Cleaning Out My Closets

I feel like there has been sooo much going on with my personal growth that I can hardly keep up with blogging about it.

First, I started seeing a therapist again.  I have done this many times throughout my life, but I hadn’t intended to do it this time.  I was plugging along with all my books and activities, thinking I didn’t need to see anyone… but I’m impatient so I figured if a therapist could help me move things along I’d considerate.

I was led right past the same office several times before I finally surrendered to what God was trying to tell me.

The office belongs to a local therapist who was my all time favorite college instructor some  13 years ago.  He’s a great man… wise, kind, funny.  He uses all kinds of techniques like hypnotherapy, and EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprogramming).  We had an amazing first session and I came out of there feeling like a million bucks… the second session, however, was a bit more difficult.

He started out handing me a print out of Survival Shift… which is pretty much just a collection of behaviors and emotions that happen after a big shock or change in your life, like a divorce, loss of job, loss of a loved one.   He suggested maybe I hadn’t finished working through my divorce yet.

I was bewildered.  Are you kidding me?  It-has-been-six-years!  I spoke up and told him I didn’t think that was quite right…  He said ok, and we moved on.

At one point he asked me where I am today, and I told him I had been thinking about The Ambassador.  As we talked more, I started to cry.  We did a guided meditation exercise, and then the tears really spilled out.

It turns out that my very intuitive therapist knew there was something going on… some sort of transition, he had just misjudged it as left overs from the divorce.  Nope, The Ambassador.  A whole lot of stuff about him that I have been trying not to feel.

We talked about how often I do that… just stuff it down or distract myself from the uncomfortable feelings.  It’s not good.  Apparently the proper and appropriate thing to do is to just be in it… Get really really horribly sad.  So, I let go of the holding it in, and ya know what?  It actually wasn’t that bad.

I was shocked, however, when my therapist said I could be in this “survival shift” mode for  1-3 years.  I said “A year?!!!  For a relationship that didn’t even last that long?”

“Ya, but there were a lot of feelings there” he said.

Uggghhh, whatever.  I have NO INTENTION of mourning this relationship for a year!  *Snort*  I’ll be getting on with my life now, thank you very much.

At least, these were my initial thoughts… but the truth is, I have a ton of anxiety, which may be caused by my never completely working through things.  I’m still dragging around all kinds of garbage because I never fully got rid of it.

Mostly I just ignored the hurt feelings.  I dove right in to the next relationship to try to distract myself.  I never sat still and did the work, felt the hurt.  That kind of thing may very well be greatly contributing to the anxiety I’m struggling with today.

I was cleaning out my garage this past weekend and I decided that I deal with my emotional baggage in much the same way as I do emotional.  I’ll reluctantly clean out the closet so it looks nice on the surface, but the junk is still there.

I’ll pack the junk up in a box.  Then it’ll sit in the hallway for a while.  Then I’ll move it out to the garage  where I don’t have to look at it everyday.  It will sit there for years and years while every time I peak at it, I’ll have an inner struggle as to why it’s there, and whether or not I may need it in the future.  I do not have an easy time letting go.

In fact, it turns out there is so much crap in my garage that I don’t even know what I have.  I’m not even sure what’s in there that I want to keep and what needs to go.  I dove back through boxes repeatedly looking for a dress I thought I might still have.  It wasn’t there and I just wasted my time.

I have even found that many times it’s easier to buy new than it is to dig through there, so I end up with more and more stuff.  Emotionally that’s a lot of crap to drag around and I think creates huge amounts of fear that manifest themselves in the forms of anxiety and relationship dysfunction.

This week my therapist used a post hypnotic suggestion to relieve some of my anxiety.  It was easy and natural.  I got in to a relaxed meditative type state, and he simply said things like “these racing thoughts are not healthy for you” and it seems to have helped.

We talked about me being open, and saying what I’m feeling and thinking.  We talked about trusting my intuition.  I have been making a very conscious effort to do those things this week.

For instance, when my ex-husband texted me and casually asked about The Mechanic…  I put it all out there instead of being evasive and vague.  I’m talking to The Mechanic at this point.  He’s a really great guy but I don’t think he’s right for me, and I still miss The Ambassador.

I have been letting myself feel bad about losing him, which has surprisingly helped me to start feeling better and more detached from him, although I’m still not ready to let go completely.

This attachment my heart still has to him may be painful but it’s the only connection I have left.  I have been reading “The Soul Mate Secret” by Arielle Ford and there are a couple of detachment visualizations I could do but I haven’t done them.  Instead, I’ve given myself permission to mourn for as long as it takes.

I’m feeling more confident each day, but there are ups and downs.  I want to enjoy my life and trust God to bring home my soul mate.  I’m doing my best to enjoy the journey & savor the waiting while he’s on his way.

Published in: on May 24, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (17)  
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17 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. life may be a beautiful struggle…living is a loving free movement…a true therapy is a rare one…a miracle…a psychoanalytic travel is a beatiful miracle

    • Thanks for your thoughts, Walter.

      • I feel psychoanalysis a very single experience…I had the experienece…let me tell you that I like very much your writng…you share living…you are a good person…sincerely…and i know how difficult is well being…

  2. When you said “seeing a therapist”,I thought you mean doing/dating a therapist lol.I was ready to give you all the accolades in the world for snagging your therapist.

    • Ha!! No… Although I did date one once. He was bat shit crazy!

      • Haha… usually are… 🙂

  3. Awesome post, and I totally get it. I find that when we aren’t trying so hard, somehow, things work out the way they were meant to. So instead of angst, just acknowledge where you’re at now, this grace you need to give yourself to enjoy where you are, knowing, confident, that you will be where you are meant to be next. 😀

    • yes.. My soul has been so out of balance with the GO and DO something about it thing that I have not made time to just BE. Well, here I am just being.

      • Yup! You go girl! I mean, you BE girl! I was fighting mine for the longest months, and then I realized, why not just enjoy it. I mean, feelings are what they are, and it’s a reflection of how deep YOU are, regardless of the results. So know that having to dig so deep into you, means the same level of patience as you figure your way into new tunnels. Personally for me, I was always looking for the next best thing, but in doing that, I forgot to enjoy what is best right now. Everything happens for a reason, and our reasoning tends to forget that what is happening is everything as it should be, right now. I’ll BE with you as I’m in a situation myself where I’m taking FOREVER to get over someone whom I had deeper feelings than I imagined possible, which is also taking the longest to get over too. We should start a club. 😀


      • We shal start a club.. Me + you sister! Our feelings are certainly a reflection of our depth. Love that.

      • Dat’s right! Woo! With lots of sushi, er, whatever food you like. And tea! Mmm..


  4. Life is a beautiful struggle. I love that! And I love every thing you post. Thank you!


    • Thank you so much! I believe this is the first time you’ve commented– I hope you keep doing it!

  5. I think you just did yourself the best of all favors by just slowing down and letting yourself really get through the emotions. There’s no way you’re over The Ambassador yet, and the Mechanic won’t be able to fix that. A heart is much more complex than a car! 🙂

    • I didn’t expect he would fix. Was just trying to get on with my life but I can’t keep shoving baggage to the side. It’s not good for me. 😦

      • I was just being metaphorical! LOL But you’re exactly right, it’s not good for you. My thoughts are with you on this journey. Always! 🙂

      • yes, I know it was a metaphore but it’s actually very insightful. The more I think about it, the more I see truth in it. I spent much time throughout my life running to the next relationship. Maybe I was trying to fix my broken heart, or atleast take the sting away. Glad I screwed my head on straight this time… & thanks for being with me Tiff. Your support is something I really really value. **hugs**

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