Judgemental Much? And Neg, Neg, Neg

I carved out some alone time with The Mechanic finally.  With my crazy schedule, I had to take a day off to do it, but I was totally stoked since I have been feeling so connected with him.  Now it’s time to see if we can have a little fun together..  be a little inappropriate.  If we can do that, we might actually fall in love… that “can’t live with out each other” kind of love.

I earn MAD amounts of time off at this job, and I can’t always get away if my shift isn’t fully staffed but right now is perfect timing.  All the elements easily came together, and BING I was given the day off!

I was excited but sort of indecisive about it.  I found myself trying to make a plan, and nothing quite seemed right.  I finally settled on subway sandwiches at the park.  I thought we’d walk the path, and do some chatting.

So many things ran through my head.  It was a good place to go, since I probably would -not- bump in to The Ambassador.  It’s such an incredibly small town, that could happen anywhere but that park is kind of my place.  It was casual and relaxing.  Plus, I was a little concerned my stupid anxiety would kick in, and I have spent a lot of time at that park so it’s a safe place for me.

I texted the plan to The Hunky Mechanic my plan.  I had checked with him a couple of times to make sure he didn’t have plans.  Made sure he was game to come out and play.  All was good but when I texted him my plan, he called me.  He told me he had already eaten, he hates subway, he’s exhausted and his feet hurt from working all day.  He was still planning to come over but…    So, I tried to go with the flow.  “Well, what did you have in mind?” I asked.  His reply….”I don’t know.”

Finally I just said “I don’t care if we stay here and play cards, as long as we don’t get back in that routine of spending all our alone time watching TV.”  He kind of stumbled on his words then.  It was awkward.  Oh well, I figured.  I’m NOT getting back in that routine.  I don’t want to spend my life that way.

After this conversation, a bunch of memories came flooding back to me.  I remembered now, this happened three years ago.  I’d make a plan.  He’d say no.  We didn’t really have a life together.  I was tagging along in his life.  Hence the feeling of just being an ass that fit in the available seat in his truck.  Fuck.

While he and I were together, we either spent time at his house eating dinner in front of the TV or doing what he wanted to do.  We went to a party with his friends.  We went 4-wheeling in his jeep twice.  –which, if ya know me at all, you know I’m not some red neck princess.  I don’t mind doing outdoorsy stuff, but…  ugh..  Sooo not me.

I also wondered how much he wanted to come out and spent time with me.  I got the impression he’d have rather been at home sitting in his Barco lounger.  I pressed on, and shook off the analyzing.

He showed up on time, and we did go to the park and walk around.  We meandered along the path not holding hands but not connecting very well.  There were a lot of awkward silences.  The conversation was forced.  There was a lot of negative.

He was quite judgemental in watching the other people at the park and even in talking about his group of friends.  Like, his one buddy is dating this gorgeous 22-year-old girl and he remarked that he was surprised because her body type is not the type he usually goes for.  He called her “thick”.   I thought–  is he fucking kidding me?  She’s thick?  What the hell?

There also seems to be a lot of rules in The Mechanic’s world.  Rules for what to eat, what to wear…. rules, rules, rules.

I did broach some subjects I had been intending to though.  I had a few things I wanted to ask him… They were about my blog, his spirituality, what he felt his purpose in life was and about his personal bucket list.

I talked about my blog again, and he made a face.  I totally called him out on it.  “You’re making a face, what’s going on?”

Mechanic:  Nothing

Cadence:  Nooo, you made that face before when I was talking about my blog.  Are you just -not- interested?

Mechanic:  No.. I..  Maybe I just don’t know enough about it.

Cadence:  Do you know what a blog is?

Mechanic:  Yeah, like a chat board?

Cadence:  No.. it’s an online journal…  I write a story about the length of a  magazine article.  People can post comments on the article, but it’s not a chat board.

He still seemed so dismissive.  I tried to explain how it’s got me writing on a regular basis.  He might as well have rolled his eyes.  I gave up.  But I felt like asking “Who the hell do you think I am?”  That I write, and what I write about…  it an integral part of who I am.

We headed back to the car.  We drove past his a church that was all lit up and the parking lot packed.  He remarked that it was a Tuesday night.  I saw my opening and I took it.  I asked him if his parents took him to church as a kid.

No, they aren’t religious.  He is baptized catholic but that’s not what he believes.  He does believe in God but I got the impression that everything else is up in the air, even Jesus and the bible.

The thing that really struck me in the conversation was the fact that he just didn’t want to talk about it.  He said that religion and politics can be hot buttons in a relationship so he just didn’t like to talk about.

You have to talk about it!  It doesn’t mean you have to agree.  I mean, he’s allowed to have his own opinion but if a couple never talks about that sort of thing, how can you really know your partner??  Those things are core beliefs!  He seemed to agree, but the conversation ended there.

We picked up some sandwiches at the grocery store.  Noooow he was hungry.  I tried to rent a movie from the Redbox but Mr. Negative piped up that he wouldn’t make it through an entire movie.  It was like 8pm.  ugh.

It’s amazing how your level of activity can affect a relationship.  I know people who are far more active than I am.  Waking earlier and going, going, going all the time, always out and about.  Capt Amazing stayed at my house this summer so we could work on the book we’re writing…  The morning he left, he was up, packed and out the door before I had even opened my eyes.

My friend Duke did a fundraiser last year and ran some 236 miles over a course of several days, then he came home and was up staining his fence the next day!  Wow, I don’t know if I could keep up with that, but I don’t want to stay at home all the time and go to bed before 10 every night either.

We went back to my house and ate… then I finally gave in and turned on the TV.   We had pretty much run out of things to talk about.  After that chat about spirituality I figured it was pretty much a lost cause going any further with the purpose in life, or bucket list stuff.

He spent most of the time trying to brush away my very sweet little dog who -everyone- loves.  My poor little adorable chiweenie was just trying to sit on his lap… and all he did was repeatedly shove him away.

The date just did not go well.  I mean, I don’t get an evening to go and do anything with no kids in tow very often.  I had to take the day off to get it.  I would have thought we should make the most of it, but maybe he’s not a “make the most of it” kind of guy.   There wasn’t much affection, and even the conversation was awkward.  I did NOT feel connected.  We were just -not- clicking.

As he got up to go around 10:30pm, he said… “now don’t get mad.  I know you want to spend time together, and make love and all that but we’ll get there.   Don’t read too much in to it, because I am VERY interested.”

I jokingly replied “ohhhhh yeah right.”   He didn’t seem to like that much…. and honestly, in all jokes there’s a little bit of truth.  If I really think about it, I guess he doesn’t seem much interested to me and I don’t mean just sex… but in even getting to know me as a person.

AND in truth, I can’t say I’m much interested in him after today either.  I feel like I can’t talk about anything that matters to me… like my writing or my spirituality.  Those are HUGE parts of who I am.

Plus, I’m looking for The One and that means someone I can laugh with, talk to about anything, and count on.  If I can’t have those three things, I’d rather have no relationship at all.

I guess the only thing to do is pull back.  I’m certainly not going to try to -make- him interested.  I guess I’ve learned THAT lesson. There’s a little bit of sad in there…  Frustration that someone I can have a fantastic connection with can’t love me and is closed off… and a dude who is welcoming me in with open arms.. but we don’t have the emotional connection.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run in to this one or the other type of thing.

STILL, that’s like saying “it was in the last place I looked!”  Of course it was in the last place you looked.  Why would you keep looking after you found it?  So, I guess it will just keep being almost, and one or the other types of things until I meet the one, right?