Hanging Out With The Hunky Mechanic

I mentioned in a previous post that I brought the Charger in to see the mechanic and get some regular maintenance done.  While I was there, The Hunky Mechanic and I talked and later he texted me suggesting that we hang out at some point.

I agreed but seriously have no direction intention of getting back together with him.  The Mechanic and I dated some three years ago.  Although I have come to realize he was always very good to me, and welcomed me in to his life with open arms while I was preoccupied and being guarded…  I still have some real concerns about our compatibility.  Things were smooth with him, almost too smooth.  So much so that it left me thinking things like “What are we like 100 years old?” and “No one wants to be June and Ward Cleaver.”  Plus, I’m still working through a bunch of personal growth stuff.

Still, I agreed that we could hang out some time.  We texted on a fairly superficial level for a couple of days, and then I felt driven to invite him over to see my new house and have dinner.  I ignored the feeling for hours, but when the words still didn’t disappear from my mind..  I finally gave in and texted him inviting him over the next day.

Like the good partner he is, he offered to cook up some ribs to bring over.  He put in plenty of effort to have them ready when he got there at 6 so the kids wouldn’t have to wait for dinner.

The next day I went about my business, cleaning up the house, taking my daughter to her volunteer orientation and going to little league.

I had such an odd experience at little league.  I’ve never thoroughly enjoyed little league, but I love my son so I go to see him.  Still, I hate to be there.  It’s usually freezing cold and I’m forced in to the stands with a bunch of other parents I’m not so crazy about, including my ex’s girlfriend.

Plus then I’m left staring on to the field to watch the game.  I also end up watching my ex as he is the team’s coach.  Then I’m left with a chaotic emotional inner dialogue exploring my feelings about the other parents, the girlfriend, the ex.  I don’t find it to be a real positive experience, but I love my kid so I go anyway.

That day as I walked around the field and sat in the bleachers watching the game, I damn near had a panic attack when it crossed my mind that The Hunky Mechanic would probably really enjoy this.   Along with that thought came a bunch of others…  What people would be thinking or saying as I walked in with him hand in hand.  He would be the second man in the last six years that I would have brought to my son’s games.

The first was Mr. X, who is still in my life… and everyone pretty much knows that.  It’s a small town, everyone pretty much knows everything about your life.  I think they find it odd and don’t understand what my relationship is with him.  At least that’s how I interpret is when their comments and questions make their way back to me through the rumor mill.

I was also freaked out thinking what that would mean.  Remember, I’ve said that’s when things really freak me out because it feels so serious–  when my kids are involved.

I managed to talk myself down, and quiet my neurotic mind so I could go about my day.  I’m getting ahead of myself, I thought.  We were just going to hang out and see what happens.  I’m not getting back together with him, and it’s definitely not like we’re getting married or anything.  Honestly, I don’t know why I get so freaked out sometimes.

He came over and had dinner with us.  The kids were there with me, but they know him and spent time around him when we dated 3 years ago.

We stayed in kitchen together cooking and preparing dinner.  While we were doing that he kept talking like we are getting back together, saying things like that I’ll be cooking more because cooking together is fun.  He doled out a couple pats to my ass as we moved around the kitchen working harmoniously together.  That was nice.  I’m a very tactile person but the thought that it would lead to a committed relationship still kinda freaked me out.

After dinner he helped me clean up the kitchen and we even washed all the dishes together.  He even got me laughing pretty good telling me about the time he backed only halfway out of his garage and then closed the garage thinking he was out.  As the door came down and hit the truck, he panicked and backed up more, scraping the door all along the roof of the truck.  Then, he realized that was not helping so he pulled forward with the garage door crashing all around him.

I found this story incredibly hilarious, especially considering he is a mechanic.  If a regular person would have done it, it’d have been bad— but for him?  Haaaa!  If his buddies found out, he’d never live it down.

There were also awkward unsatisfying moments, like when I mentioned this blog.  I asked him if I had told him about it, and talked about how it has over 28,000 hits and is followed by readers in some 7 different countries internationally.

He seemed…  disinterested.  It was like he checked out when I started talking about it.  Uhhhh, ok.  This blog is very important to me.  Not only is the writing a launch pad for getting my book done and published, but also the topic of the blog is one of the closest things to my heart.

Then we sat around the living room and watch Dolphin Tale.  (GREAT family movie, btw).  I sat next to him and he commented about how irritated I was getting around the DVD player freezing in spots.  It didn’t even phase him.

He reached over and held my hand as we sat on the couch.  He took his hat off and rested his head on my shoulder.  It occurred to me that this was happening right in front of my children, who really didn’t even care.  They love him, and were so mad at me when I broke up with him three years ago.

In the midst of this, I had some anxiety.  It all felt very domestic and serious.  I retreated to the bathroom to just BREATHE.  It was so uncomfortable, I even thought for a split second..  “Why am I doing this?” and I mean all the personal growth, all the stretching.  “Maybe I should just live my life inside my little bubble so I don’t have to go through this anxiety all the time.”  I considered telling him I wasn’t feeling well and he had to go…  Then I just though, “NO I’m not doin’ that.”  I took another deep breath and then headed back in to the living room.

He stayed til the end of the movie.  The kids were starting to get restless and he was yawning.  He put all the leftovers in to the fridge and I walked him out to his truck.  We stopped on the porch and he turned to me and asked “So, are you feeling better about this?”

I looked down sheepishly with my hands stuffed in my pockets and mumbled a “ya”.  (HA..  well, that was a lie!)  Then he looked in to my eyes and said “let’s really try this time.”  I nodded and he  leaned in and kissed me.  Nothing passionate, just nice.

He pulled back to look at me, then leaned in again–  I cleared my mind and let myself relax into it (although my hands were still in my pockets) as he kissed me again…  a little better that time, more tender.  It felt really good.  Somehow comfortable and exciting all in one.

Once he was gone, my mind of course wanted to dissect the whole experience.  I tried not to get discouraged as I thought about our discourse being slightly awkward.  I thought about how I’d attempted to be playful with him while we were in the kitchen, flicking some water on the back of his neck while he wasn’t looking.  He made a joking protest about it but didn’t play back.

I tried to reframe my thinking and concentrate on what is there, instead of what isn’t.  Still, I was ambivalent.  This feeling continued for almost a week, but I haven’t given up and today we had a pretty fabulous talk on the phone.   We laughed, and I felt connected to him.  I felt understood and appreciated.  For once, I didn’t want to get off the phone.  I did though… and off to work I went.

Published in: on May 13, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Another well written post!

    Sometimes it is good to give in to magic or nature and let the witch’s do it’s magic. I over analyze things to death and wish I could have someone turn it off with just a simple gesture.

    • Ya, in this case though, I don’t think I am over analyzing. Just don’t want to get drawn in to a situation that’s not right for me.

  2. Sounds like there might be some potential there. Good for you.

    • I don’t know. I am still VERY skeptical.

      • Don’t kill the messenger before he/she arrives.

      • Trying to be open but still -aware- & listen to my intuition.

  3. It’s really tough, but I stick to Robin Norwood’s advice in “Women who love too much” who states the question is not about whether you stay or go, but what makes you healthy. As you continue to explore the latter, as the former can be perplexing, you’ll get a better sense of what’s right for you. Your intuition will guide you beyond the surface of what looks right, and deep into what feels right, which often, can be quite different when are are more honest with ourselves. The question is not so much about perfection from either parties, but how do you feel about him. It’s not enough to be pursued so much as asking yourself what is it exactly are you looking for. Hope you have as much faith in yourself as we ALL do in your self-discovery. 😀


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