How About The Hunky Mechanic?

So, it had been a few weeks since I booked an appointment with The Hunky Mechanic.  I had to re-schedule at one point because my daughter was sick.  I had been thinking about some things I’d like to say to him.  I know I’d been very guarded when he and I were together 3 years ago, and when we broke up, I kind of blamed him.  I said he wasn’t communicative enough.  I knew I was looking for something but I didn’t really have the vocabulary to express it, and I wasn’t seeing my part in it at the time.

Now, that I’ve had the tables turned on me, I realize I acted with The Mechanic the same way The Ambassador had been with me…  and it was painful… to not be appreciated… to fall in love with someone who will only put one foot in the door.  I decided I owed The Hunky Mechanic an apology.  He was solid.  I never had to wonder where I stood with him.  He obviously wanted to be in my life, and let it be known.  I was just too blind to see it at the time.

So, even though I know he hadn’t been angry with me, and he wasn’t expecting it…  I decided I was going to just say a few things, like “I’m sorry I blamed you”, “The truth is, I was being very guarded”, and “You were good to me”.

No ulterior motive here either.  I’m seriously not trying to get back with The Mechanic, since I still feel like I don’t know if our two personalities mesh together well.  I remember good stuff, but I also remember the feeling like “What are we like 100 years old?  Give me a break!”

Plus, I’m feeling good doing my “me” thing and trusting God to lead me through all this relationshipy stuff.  I have no intention of trying to make anything happen.

I went to the appointment and made small talk for an hour while he worked on my car.  I wanted to say my little piece but for some reason it just never felt like the right time, until I turned to walk out the door.  I stopped, turned back around, and just said “look, I’m gonna say some things and it might be awkward, but I want you to know I have no ulterior motives here..  I just think it needs to be said—”

He was kind and receptive to what I said, simply nodding his head in a knowing way and smiling.  I left and a few hours later, he text messaged me.  We had a little chat and he said something about hanging out.  I agreed.  I do know The Hunky Mechanic well enough to know, though, he’s not the type to just want to hang around and be my friend.  He’s going to want to get back together.

That freaks me out some.  You see, after having gotten emotionally smashed on through a divorce after a 10 year relationship…  I find myself absolutely terrified of making a wrong decision, and becoming trapped in a situation I don’t want to be in.  I don’t want to pick the wrong man and end up in a miserable marriage, or going through another brutal divorce.  My heart just can’t handle it.

The Hunky Mechanic freaks me out on this level, much more than most.  I figure it’s because deep down I know he’s a real threat.  We had a natural inertia when we dated before.  Things were going great, really smooth and before I knew it I was meeting the parents and spending holidays together…  going on outings with the kiddos along.  That’s where the feeling gets really intense for me, when my kids are involved and it feels like family.

With The Ambassador, I wasn’t so scared and I think it’s because deep down I could tell things would never really get serious.  He was -not- a real threat.

For today, I am taking things one step at a time.  I’m not worrying about the rest of our lives.  I refuse.  I am, however, open to the possibility that maybe The Hunky Mechanic and I can hang out with us both being less guarded, and maybe have some fun.  We’ll see.

Published in: on May 10, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. love is serendipitous one…romantic love and / or love relationship is a sentimental free way…no fear…no gain…no bargain…no property…let ne tell you…when solitude is good, marriage is good…and let me ask you about sunday mother’s day…you are a good lovely mother…more sentiment, less thinking…all the best. sincerely, Walter

    • serendipitous.. I like that.

      • thank you very much for your comment…bring me joy…happy mother’s day

  2. I think it would be good for you to notice the differences in the relationship with the Hunky mechanic when you hang out now compared to then. I think you will notice that you have grown and since you admitted feeling scared, might be ready for something real. Good for you! You have your list to refer back to so make sure you are on track. Just be aware and don’t become his ambassador. I look forward to reading about how it works out.

    • I wonder sometimes if I was scared of the commitment or if my intuition just knew he wasn’t right for me. Hmmmm

  3. Wow, we are so similar in so many respects that it haunts me how chillingly true your words resonate with me. My head hits a roadblock at the idea of meeting someone serious as the tornados of my past lurk in the background, whispering “do you really think you know better.”

    But I LOVE your reliance on “me”, and God, as well as taking it one garden at a time. Tending to the flowers you see before you. And letting some sunshine in your life. Be brave, for you remind us to do the same. Ameen. 😀


    • I def want to tend to the flowers before me… I’m sure God put them there for a reason. I have been nervous about serious relationships for quite a long time. I remember having issues with it some 15 yrs ago, although at the time I wasn’t really conscious of what was going on. I thought my nervous stomach was totally unrelated. HA! Seems laughable now.

  4. FUN is ALWAYS a good thing! 🙂

    • We shall see… The Mechanic is a pretty serious type of dude.

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