Detach From The Outcome– How The Hell Do You Do That?

A phenomenon I’ve read about and one that Katherine Woodward Thomas covered in “Calling In The One” is to be removed from the outcome of the situation.  It is apparently the trick to enjoying the ride, being yourself and not getting crushed when it all falls apart.  My question is, how the hell do you do that??  This is the hardest part of the book for me, so far.  I just can’t wrap my mind around it.

I have been able to master detachment from outcome while in the early stages of dating.  When I think about that, I think about the date I had with a college professor.

He was super feminine, which I didn’t know before the date because I found him on match.com–  plus, his life was about the polar opposite of mine.  Solitary, quiet, calm.  Where as mine is big, loud, and full of life and lots of people.  We both kinda of laughed in agreement, we are NOT a match… but it was a great date.  He tried to calm me, as I talked out of my head and I drew him out from his shell.  Surprisingly, he had hilarious stories.

I can go out in to the world, meet fabulous people and enjoy myself, but once I meet someone I have great chemistry and stuff with…  How do I not care how it turns out?  I don’t think I even know how to do that!

And, if I remain detached from the outcome, don’t I miss out on all the fabulous feelings of getting excited when you’re hitting it off with someone?  If so, then I don’t think I want to play.  😦

Captain Amazing and I have had this conversation before.  We are both scorpios and passionate people, who apparently find it impossible to just not care.  Is this kind of thing just reserved for a different personality type?

Is it just a pie in the sky notion, or do people actually do this?  Is it just a way of protecting yourself from getting hurt?  I guess if you never get hopeful, you won’t be disappointed?  Is it possible to do this and still remain emotionally open?

So, what’s the trick?  How does one remain detached from the outcome while still remaining enthusiastic?  I don’t get it.

Maybe I just need to get all zen with the fact that there will be ups and downs.  It’ll be bliss, and it’ll be hurt but in the end it’ll all be ok.  What will happen will happen.

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Published in: on April 26, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (21)  
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21 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. great post…love is useless…writing is a kind of mistress and elaboration…and love is invisible…as I wrote in my post…’if I say I love you because…’there is no love in this statement…loving, like living…requires no reason…solitude is a good ground for this experience of love….the futility of love…no thinking

    • Forgive me, Walter but sometimes I just don’t understand what you are trying to convey.. Loved “loving like living requires no reason” but I don’t find love to be useless, futile or invisible.

      • I feel…I perceived…good comment, but on my post futility of love I write a little…sounds different…only…an airplane is useful for tracking bombs or food…a car is useful for tracking bombs or medicaments…a knife is useful to eat or to hurt…I ask you…what is the usefulness of love?…people are useless…people are not machines…a slave is useful…in advance I invite you to meditate a little and send me other comment…your comments are important for me…you are a sweet person…I wait for your comment…soon…sincerely….Walter

      • Once again, I disagree. Love’s job is to feed our souls. It will hold us up when we are down. It inspires us to new heights. It gives meaning and depth to our lives. No man is an island… Like it or not we need people. It is so imperative, that our soul knows it, craves it, longs for it.

        Just one example– What happens when someone gets sick? Our friends & family hold us up & care for us. One of my shift partners is in Mexico right now holding her husband’s hand while he is being treated for cancer. They paid for the trip with money from a benefit attended by family & friends showing their love & support.

        He has been sick for some time, so she is his caretaker, the family breadwinner, his emotional strength and his reason for living… Just as he was for her when she had her own medical crisis. At the core of it all, they love each other. Machines may be useful but they can’t love you back.

  2. Great blog! As Scorpio’s we tend to be very intense. It’s really hard to detach from outcomes. All or nothing, right?

    • Full throttle, all or nothing, passion & intensity! Forgive me for referencing Cougar Town on my non-goofy personal growth blog but I gottta do it… The other day the Lori character said something like “Nothing in your life will work out unless your ALL IN. Love it, live it! 😉

  3. You know, I am totally with you on this.. I have been hearing this forever – ie. Deepak, Dyer etc. If you don’t care about the outcome, why bother then? What’s the point??? I remember I wanted to get back with an ex, I was desperate… then after awhile I moved on and didn’t like him anymore and didn’t give a crap and then he wanted me back – but I didn’t want him anymore. I am at a loss as well, when you figure it out – let me know.

    • Ha! Ya, if that day ever comes maybe I’ll write a book & make millions of dollars.

  4. OOOOOH I SO have some catching up to do, lots of new posts since I was last online.. I just wanted to say hi. I’ve been in Europe after a very expensive spur of the moment “moment” .. (Yeah. I know .. more later lol) but I’m loving the look of some of your recent entries and can’t wait to absorb, read and think about them 🙂

    Back soon! x

    • Good for you for being IN THE MOMENT! Send some of that energy my way!

  5. With you on this one. I cannot see how we can detach from outcome without detaching from hope of goodness and if we are constantly without hope, then are we not also constantly hopeless… I dunno… I cannot do it either and don’t know that I want to. Detaching is easier said than done, I prefer to think of protective self measures as “healthy choices” rather than detachment. Even Buddhist friends who claim they are not attached to anything prove they are with every judgemental statement they make of others as in “I don’t do that, I am Buddhist” setting themselves apart from so many of us in this human experience whether we like it or not. It’s like “going with the flow and letting life unfold,” but that does not mean we settle for crumbs instead of the whole cake either. Nurture your dreams. Sorry I blogged on your blog, it was a good post, couldn’t help it, I relate so well with everyone telling me what to do these days … and none of them close to right for what is best for ME. 🙂

    • I’m super glad you commented like you did. It feels like a tricky situation to me too. Maybe it just comes down to just enjoying the ride on this roller coaster we call life.

  6. I haven’t read any of these books, but these women (or men if they write them, but I hope they don’t write relationship books for women) are crazy. How can you not think about the outcome?!

    • Good to know Capt Amazing and I aren’t the only ones bewildered by this stuff!

  7. All therapists, gurus, relationship experts advise “detach from the outcome,” “enjoy the experience,” “go with the flow.” For me, it’s next to impossible. Once feelings enter the picture and I like the person, forget it.

    • Seriously! How does one care & not care all at the same time?

  8. Today one of my son’s teacher’s said “Dylan definitely gets his go with the flow personality from you” and I was thinking in my head “When did I learn to do that?” I’m still not sure I know… Good luck with that one! I’m forever trying to pretend I don’t care while obsessively caring entirely too much!

    • I’m terrible at the pretending -and- it doesn’t feel good. I don’t know what to think of this one except that may e it’s ok to want it, but not NEED it? Or just having faith that no matter what happens it’ll be ok.

  9. Great post! I’ve tried to look at dating from the “live in the moment” perspective. However, when meeting someone I truly care for, I can’t help but become attached and hope for an amazing outcome. If you find the answer to this, please enlighten me. When feelings are present, how can someone not care about the future? For many, the goal of “dating” isn’t just to date around – it’s to find the one. So, how do you not focus on the outcome?!

    • I am starting to think, for me anyway, the key is to just HAVE FAITH. If I can know deep down in my core that God will handle it… No matter what, it’ll be ok. HE knows what He is doing, then it will give me SUCH freedom in my <3. I won't have to be afraid it won't work out.. HE's got it.

  10. You are beautiful. Keep your head up! You will meet the right man. “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” -Matthew 6:33 Thats what I did, and God has blessed me with a great job, and beautiful family. God will open doors for you. I’m praying for you!


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