The Word of The Day is — SURRENDER

While I try not to put too much religious or spiritual stuff on this blog, it is certainly a part of who I am and my search for a soul mate.  Today I had the most spiritual day of my life and I am feeling compelled to share.

I have something called a “God Can”.  It’s something I heard about while attending Al-Anon, as I was in the midst of dating a raging alcoholic and trying to deal with that.

When it was explained to me in Al-Anon, I was told to write down those things that are weighing on you.  You write down these concerns and give them to God.  The can is a symbol, or ritual if you will, of doing just that.  The Al-Anon peeps said not to open the can, as those of us who find ourselves in relationships with alcoholics are often ramapant control freaks and don’t need to be checking up on God and making sure he’s getting it done.

In continuing my personal growth work and reading “Calling in The One”, I came upon a section where the author describes a “God Box”.  (I still like “God Can” better.  It serves to remind me, like a mantra, that whatever is going on in life, God can take care of it.  God can do it.  Even if you can’t —  God can.)  It’s basically the same idea as the “God Can” but I mention it because at one point the author suggested that it’s no cardinal sin to open the can and take a look…  So that’s what I did.

I had written down some concerns to put in the can…   Things related to The Ambassador, my personal growth, my finances.  As I removed the lid from my tin vintage Quaker Oats can replica, I paused…  I stared down in to the folded papers, and thought about the book.  With very little internal struggle (it simply felt right) I reached down and started to unfold the papers and read them one by one.  Concerns, stresses, and frustrations of nearly 4 years were hidden away in there, and when I pulled them out I was showered with blessings.  If you really want to see God working in your life, look in that God Can.

I was overwhelmed with emotion looking at each piece of paper and realizing that God had not only answered my prayers in all manner of different ways…  setting my heart right with a certain situation, improving my interactions with my ex-husband, increasing my appreciation for my wonderful children, even in finding a better job but he had done so in grand fashion.

The job one was big because when I read the note, I realized I had given it to God having no prospects on the horizon.  I simply said “God, I don’t know how you’re going to do it, but I need a better job.  I need health insurance, and….” etc.  At no point did I mention the agency I work for, or even a specific career field I had been considering.  I was willing to go where ever God took me.  I only knew I needed a better job.

There was much thankfulness in that can and in my heart as I was powerfully aware that not only had God answered my prayers but he had done so in an enormous way.  He had given to me more abundantly than I could have ever imagined.  Not only did I find a better job, but one that I deeply love.  It’s not just a job, but a career  and in a field I hope to stay until until the end of my days.  He did provide the health insurance I had asked for… not just insurance, but better than I’d had before (when I was married) along with a whole host of other benefits.  It wasn’t easy but He carried me along through the training to finally be released, despite others working against me.  In that, I was left with the conviction that–  if God’s going to get it done, no one is going to stand in the way.

I also had the realization that I have been struggling against what he’s trying to do in my life right now, and in struggling…  in wishing something or someone was different than what it or he actually is, I am missing out on the joy of what IS there.

In my life this struggling results in high levels of anxiety.  The anxiety sends waves of panic, and ripples all through out many areas of my life.  It’s not just the hoping or wanting for something to be different than it is, but also worrying about what will happen.  Life is not a straight arrow, there are curves in the road, and worrying about those curves can send my panic lever straight in to overdrive.  At that point, all I can see is the panic.  All my energies are spent managing that, instead of allowing me to be present and enjoy.

During this type of meditation, solitude, simmering- whatever you’d like to call it -I often have words float in to my head.  It can be described as intuition, messages from your higher self, or even messages from God, which is what I believe.  As I sat there reading, praying, and crying, I was told I needed to pray about this anxiety with my Pastor.  I resolved to do just that and went about my day.

Sunday came and I had to draaag my ass out of bed, since I’ve been consciously adjusting myself preparing to work graveyard shifts.  I spoke to the pastor as soon as I walked in the door and told him I’d like to pray together after the service.

The service was good and I was able to draw from it, but mostly I was having a spiritual experience in my own head.  As I attempted to organize my thoughts… take the cloud of words, worries and concerns, and shrink them down in to a neat little package so I didn’t end up babbling on to the pastor for hours and not making sense.  While I was in this mode, my heart listened to God tell me how to express it.

After the service the pastor called his wife up to the front, and asked that those who had spoken to him earlier come forward to pray.  This was a beautiful occurence, because in many churches he’d have called a bunch of dudes up to the front to pray with him, but he didn’t.  He called for his partner.  I loved that.

I was the first in line.  The pastor and his wife are both friends of mine.  They are close in age to where I am.  In fact, the pastor himself being just 2 years older.  I have been in their home, and spent time hiking and talking with the pastor’s wife in the past.

I hugged her, as the pastor gathered some chairs together.  I sat and expressed my concerns.  I told them about the God can, and how I had realized that my personal energy was out of wack.  I’ve got the “doing” down pat.  I am an active person and have no problem reading, writing, praying, working on a problem, but on the flip side, I have an incredibly difficult time surrendering.  I need to get my heart right.  I need balance.  Because I am having trouble surrendering to the work God is doing in my life (and in me), I can not enjoy the blessings he’s giving me.

They each put a hand on me and we bowed our heads to pray.  When the pastor spoke, I was truly awestruck.  He prayed for me, mentioning the situation with The Ambassador.  Later I asked him “How did you know?” I hadn’t mentioned anything about The Ambassador that day.   I have talked to them about The Ambassador of Ambiguity on several occasions, in fact they have met him.  I even told them about the most recent break up, but that was weeks ago and I very well could have been on to something or someone totally different by now.  The pastor didn’t reply, but I’m sure if he had, he’d have just said “God told me.”

The pastor prayed that my mistrust of men would be healed.  In my God can I had asked for this same thing and God has brought me a long way in that but apparently the work is not finished….  and finally the pastor mentioned my bumps and bruises along the way.

Although, I consider them friends, they don’t know the kind of life I’ve lived.  They know somethings, but the bumps and bruises are so much more than they know.

The pastor also prayed that I would be able to trust the Lord with the parts of my life that I have not yet surrendered to him, and I thought about that.  He’s right… in most of my life, I have given it to God..  in my career and my home, and those parts are rolling along smoothly.  But when it comes to my relationships I’ve not completely given that over.  In fact, I truly believe The Ambassador is the first man God has brought in to my life at my request, but after that it seems I stopped asking for his guidance.

From there I headed to the park for a walking meditation.  God’s words poured in to my head.  He explained so many things about this situation and the men in my life.  One of the first things I was told was that he has instilled a trinity in my life to heal my mistrust of men.  By this, I mean men that are in my life on a daily basis.  It’s Mr. X, Captain Amazing, and The Ambassador.

While I have learned much from others in my life, these three are by far some of the most important and they had to be men.  Even further, while they all have many terrific qualities, each of them brings one special quality to the table.

With Mr. X it’s reliability.  He’s solid as a rock.  I know he’ll always be in my life, and where ever he is, even if he’s 3500 miles away, if I need him he’ll  move mountains to get there or send someone in his stead.  In fact, he’s this way with everyone in his life.

Captain Amazing brings total acceptance.  I’m not sure why but Captain Amazing truly sees me.  He knows me, and knows my heart.  Sometimes he sees me clearer than I see myself.  Maybe it’s because we are similar in that way, but for whatever reason he sees me.  There is something about him that allows me to show him parts of myself that at times, I’m not real proud of… and from him I get total acceptance.  I believe this is just part of his core.  He accepts people for who they are, and loves them in his way.

Finally, and this last one for me is the most important.  The Ambassador of Ambiguity brings gentleness.  It’s something that’s hard to put my finger on.  He’s not always the most considerate person in the world, as he gets all wrapped up in his own head, but there is a gentleness about him.  He’s in my life, in part, to show me that men can be gentle with my heart.  I’m sure this one is incredibly important to me because I’ve been through much abuse as a child and been hurt a lot in my own adult relationships too.

I have often heard The Ambassador talk about himself as being sensitive… TOO sensitive, he says, but today the Lord told me — this is not some burden he’s been saddled with.  It’s a beautiful gift and so rare.

During my “conversation” with God, I was also told that when I see these three qualities come together, I’ll know he’s “the one”.  It’s funny.  I was very aware of the fact that the Lord didn’t say when you meet him you’ll see the qualities.  I often wonder if “the one” God is preparing for me is someone already in my life, or someone I have yet to meet.  He said “when you see these qualities come together.”

“I am doing a work in you,” were also words that came in to my head during this walking meditation.  I was told he’s doing work in The Ambassador too, and he brought us in to each others lives to help one another…  to prepare each other for what comes next.  I don’t know what that means exactly, but for me I believe it means my extraordinary relationship.  For The Ambassador it seems to be something related to him being in this space between where he came from and who he will become.

I was comforted, and told it’s ok to be in the in between space with The Ambassador…. as we’re friends but there’s more than that in the feelings. (Not just for me, but for him too)  It’s ok to have these romantic feelings about him, but that doesn’t mean that I should stop seeing other people.

The Lord is doing a work in me, and it’s important that it get done so that when my extraordinary love does arrive, I won’t mess it up.  This gave me an audible laugh…. like “oh, you know me so well.”

My last question in conversation with the Lord was whether or not to share all this with The Ambassador.  I don’t share a lot of spiritual stuff.  I find it a –highly– personal experience.  I’m very careful who I share it with.  Plus, I had a step-dad, an abuser, who used the church to justify his horrendous actions and I don’t want to be seen as that kind of person… a religious person, as opposed to spiritual.  I don’t want to be pegged or pigeon holed, or scorned and lectured for my more unconventional beliefs.

The answer to my question was not just yes, but oddly specific.  I am to share this information with The Ambassador tomorrow.  We are to go walking on the same path at the park where I was today and I’m to share it with him then.

Throughout the day, I have given every little thing to the Lord.  Every time I ask myself a question that requires a decision, even something as simple as what to eat for breakfast… I stop and listen first, then follow what the Lord is telling me.  I am hoping that in working that muscle, I’ll find the key to being able to surrender the relationships part of my life to God too.

Now, readers, if you respond to this post (and you are welcome to do so) please be gentle with your words— as this is a tender part of myself I’ve shared, and it wasn’t easy to do.  Thanks for reading……  -Cadence

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Published in: on April 19, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (21)  
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21 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. WOW! Cadence you just brought tears to my eyes. I think partly because I too think of myself as spiritual, but I also struggle so deeply with surrendering. I’m such a control freak. The abuse I went through as a kid rears its ugly head at me so often, that I just have never been able to turn it all over. I completely believe in your conversation with God, and can’t wait to see where this journey goes next. Reading your blog always makes me feel like I’m catching up with an old friend, even though I have never known you personally, I can relate to so much of what you say… prayers to you for your walk in the park with the Ambassador!

    • Thanks so much, honey. I think abuse as a kid contributes to my control freakness too… Like control=security but that’s probably not really true. Just screws me out of being in the moment. I’m so glad you can identify. You feel like an old friend to me too.

  2. Oh Cadence….that was just beautiful. I am so glad you have given your life over to God. You will reap eternal rewards. I am anxious to hear how it goes with the Ambassador. Good luck.

    • I gave my life to God more than 6 years ago.. I’m just having a hard time releasing my death grip on the romantic relationships part of it. It hasn’t done me any good holding out though.. So, wish me luck!

  3. Reblogged this on Pink Ninjabi and commented:
    An amazing post that truly resonates deeply with me, and helps me heal as I sit here, afraid to face the world with all my anxieties of it. It reminds me to go with the flow, and to know wherever you go, God is with you. Ameen. And oh yeah, He’s got your back. 😀

  4. Your blog is medicine to my soul as I sit here in anxiety from the bites of life. I love your anecdotes of how much healing each person provides, the role they play, and how much more you deserve in the peace that can be found to have it all within one person. Above all, this post is amazing because of the reminder to surrender to God, and not to people’s whims. That no matter how much people try to torture us, in my case, workplace bullying, God is greater, and there IS a place where I can be happier, just like I was three years ago.

    With much love,

    Pink.

    • Awww I’m medicine. Wow… I’m honored. I’ve been the vitim of workplace bullying too, and it was one of the most excrutiating experiences. Prayers for you! Karmic Diva just re-posted a GREAT post about female bullies… You should check it out.

      • Woo! I’ll have to check that out, now that WP showed me lovely comments like yours! Yes, it’s sooo excruciating. Like I thought death would be easier, but then I realize, these biotches aren’t worth it. 😀

        Pink.

  5. your writing is a good surprise…love is the only way I experience…my love useless…the futility of love…I pray…I play blues…I’m just a writer…I write with few words on my blog…no image…only words…and as Pink wrote…reading your writing is being a friend…I hope…Walter

  6. Just to let you know how much I adore your writing, I have nominated you for the Reader Appreciation Award! http://wp.me/p1ex8U-Wn. Hope it warms your heart as your blog warms mine. 😀

    Pink.

    • Muchas Gracia, Seniorita!

      • De nada, Bella! 😀

        Pink.

      • Cadence…you write very well…writing is a mistress for me…and a need…keep writing!

      • I hope she sees your lovely comment! Feel free to follow her blog directly, and I’m sure she appreciates the support! 😀

        Pink.

      • I hope…your support is important for me

      • Absolutely! 😀

        Pink.

      • I saw the comment. Thanks a zillion. I do appreciate very much appreciate the support you guys.

    • Many thanks Ninjabi. I so much appreciate your support!

      • Absolutely, support always there for you! 😀

        Pink.

  7. Faith and healing go together. Great post.


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