Thoughts On My Own Availability

I went by The Hunky Mechanic’s shop today to make an appointment for whatever maintenance that might be of use to my sexy Dodge Charger.  I know she is in need of a tire rotation and alignment at the very least.  I am aiming to be more congruent and to care better for the things and people I so greatly value in my life.

It was an odd thing.  I have been tossing around this task for days, maybe weeks.  I have known the Charger needed some maintenance, and now is the time to do it.  I have driven past the road to his shop time and time again, but something told me not to go in…  until today.  I’m not sure why today.  I only know that I was listening to my intuition, and timing is everything.

It was a good day to see an old boyfriend as I was primped, poured in to a short skirt, and propped up by my sultry black knee-high boots.  Generally an outfit like this makes me feel super confident and powerful, but today has been painted by emotions that surprised me.  So, today I am thoughtful.  Confident yes, but genuinely introspective.

I stepped through the door and waited for him to appear.  I didn’t feel the nervousness I have in the past.  With no chemical help at all, I was completely at peace which I believe is because I was totally detached from the outcome.  I wanted nothing from him.  I wasn’t hoping for attention.  I wasn’t thinking he’d call me at a later time…  I was simply visiting a man I shared time with, and trusted to work on my car without lying, cheating, or fucking it up.  He strolled in casually and said “Hi” with a smile.

His brownish red goatee was peppered with grey.  He looked good, but curiously older.  He also seemed comfortable and at peace.

For once he was able to say that he’s been busy and the shop is doing well.  We went on chatting and he shared what has been filling his time.  No mention of a woman.  My words were similar… work.  kids.

The Hunky Mechanic is… well, solid.  He’s steadfast.  He has the ability to commit and has done so with many things in his life, despite the fact that he has never had children.  He’s committed to his work, his group of friends, his family, his place on the board for our little town’s race track.

When The Hunky Mechanic and I were together, things were moving right along.   At three months we started to say the “I love you”s.  We shared our nights together when I didn’t have the children.  I met his parents and friends.  He met my children.  We have hot incredible sex and almost never argued.

What struck me most today is that he asked me to move towards being more of a part of his life.  He asked me to leave some things at his house…  Toothbrush, hairdryer, clothes.. whatever I wanted, but I never did.  Three or four days a week I hauled whatever I needed in an overnight bag.  We never stayed overnight at my place.  He invited me to leave some toys for the kids at his place, and even made plans to arrange his second bedroom for them to stay over with me at some point.  Honestly, it wasn’t long after that, that I bailed.

This realization nearly brought me to tears today.  After all the time with The Ambassador, hoping and praying for him to welcome me in fully, which he never did…  I thought about how I had been fully invited in to this wonderful man’s world and I ran.

I was scared.  I’ll admit that.  I was scared to mess up his tidy little world.  I was afraid to let myself be vulnerable with him.  I was scared because I didn’t know if that was what I wanted.  I didn’t know if he was what I wanted.  He’s not playful.  He doesn’t make me throw my head back and laugh.  He’s quiet and keeps his emotions and thoughts to himself.  He’s the strong silent type.

The Hunky Mechanic has traveled a little bit.  As a younger man he was a firefighter, and hot shot at that.  He traveled all over assisting other departments with enormous out of control fires… but he has never lived outside this county in all his 45 years.  Not only is that very difficult for my adventurous spirit to fathom, but does that mean I would be further stuck here?

My ex husband is the strong silent type and solid, very similar to The Hunky Mechanic— and stubborn and immovable.  I was always expected to be the one to follow him.  He was in charge of our life.  That was the unspoken agreement we had.  Well, I don’t want that.   I want a partnership.  That means both people flex for each other… not one doing all the flexing to foster the others life and dreams.  This isn’t the 1950s.

When he first told me he loved me, he said he had not said that to anyone in -seven- years.  Seven years!  That’s an incredibly long time.  It’s not like there hadn’t been women.  There had…  Even after all this time and a second try, I still don’t know why me.  Why me?

The kind of extraordinary love I seek is once where I never have to wonder “why me?”  I need someone to share his details.  To share his thoughts, fears, and his excitement.  I didn’t feel we had a soulful connection.  Although… there was an unspoken easiness between us.  There was a palpable feeling, and I saw the evidence as tears welling up in his eyes when we broke up.

The book I’m reading, “Calling in The One”, the author talks about the people in our lives being a mirror of what’s deep inside ourselves.  So—  once again I find myself turning my eyes back to me.

My mind flip-flops again, and I wonder… for all those things I wanted to know and wanted to hear from him…  Did I ask?  Did I share my own?  Did I ever tell him -why- I loved him?

I didn’t tell him I was scared.  I didn’t tell him it grated on me that he expected me not to remain friends with any ex-boyfriends.  I just attempted to live up to the expectation.

I never confessed my anger that he initially refused to go to a work Christmas party with me because I had been sharing my work frustrations with him and he was pissed at those people.  If we didn’t have a soulful connection, how much of that was me?  A relationship is a two way street.

In that situation was I the only who could not surrender?  Was I the one who couldn’t let myself get excited about this terrific man?  Or maybe it just wasn’t what I wanted.

I could have asked him “why me?”.  I’m sure he’d have answered anything I asked him.

Isn’t there an old song about that too?  “Darlin’ if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me.”

Published in: on April 15, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (12)  
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12 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I really love this one! Thank For Sharing!

    • Hey thanks! I do believe this is the first time you’ve commented… Glaaad to have ya! 🙂

      • Yes! it the first time…I like your writes a lot!!!

      • Thanks a zillion, Lovely… I’l have to check yours out!

  2. I have zero ability to comment or say anything about dating, relationships, men; pretty much anything grown up, but I want to let you know I enjoy your writing.

    I don’t always keep track of the nicknames (You need a roster page!) but you write so well.

    • Thanks for the compliments… Roster page is in my “To-do” list. I’m terrible with “To-do” list though. :-/

  3. Great post! It’s real, the complexities of learning about others is more about seeing more of ourselves, even the parts we don’t want to admit. This is a really great post of how far you are coming along in your readings and understanding of how each lesson is a reflection of who you are in some profound way. Keep on digging 😀


    • Thanks Pink. It’s funny how true it is & yet my first instinct is to say “Am NOT!” Oh, he’s emotionally unavailable? Well, maybe you are emotionally unavailable… “Nuh uh!”

      If I can stop being defensive in my own inner dialogue, I can make some good progress. Lol

  4. “The book I’m reading, “Calling in The One”, the author talks about the people in our lives being a mirror of what’s deep inside ourselves. So— once again I find myself turning my eyes back to me.”

    That’s a frightening observation!!! Sadly, there may be truth to this.

    • Haaa! It IS frightening & when I read your comment, I immediately though “didn’t write a post titled something like ‘Am I dating psychopaths?'” oh no! What I have found for me is that, although I do have some emotional unavailability, it’s not nearly to the degree the men I’ve dated have it. They may be reflecting something back at me but in me it’s subtle… In them, not so much…

  5. It’s great that you can see beyond just today with someone. You have enough experience in life to start connecting the dots.

    • Thanks for the compliment… Sometimes it feels that way, other times I still feel lost.

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