How Much Is Tooo Much?

I think most people want some kind of relationship and some kind of intimacy, but how much is too much???  I think everyone has an ideal amount of intimacy, and maybe the trick is to find someone who’s ideal matches yours… at least somewhat.

I am beginning to see intimacy as a gradient scale with “superficial” on one end and “true deep, know all your secrets, accept and love you no matter what” on the other.  See, the problem with the true deep side is that you have to let them know all your secrets.  If you want to be accepted and loved even with all your flaws and quirks–  you have to let your partner see the flaws and quirks.  That’s incredibly scary, because what if he doesn’t?  What if he doesn’t accept, and love…  These kinds of questions are even harder when you don’t accept and love your own flaws and quirks.

So, what do you want?  Do you want someone who looks pretty on your arms and keeps her flaws to herself?  Do you want the deep true intimacy stuff?  Because when you sign up for the true intimacy stuff, you also get someone who calls you out on your shit.  That means, you don’t get to walk around acting like a robot, without him saying “HEY, why are you acting weird?”

See, I have found that’s where many people draw the line.  They don’t want to be pressed.  They get to that point where they are uncomfortable sharing openly and they want that to be IT.  They want to pretend that everything is ok, and there are no flaws, no ups and downs in life.

I say –To hell with pretending.  I want the real, deep, full experience.  Call me out on my shit.  I do neurotic ridiculous shit sometimes with no idea why… and try to pretend I’m not doing it.  I remember talking to Mr. Charisma and having him call me out for  backing up whenever he tried to escalate and using the mileage between us as an excuse.  He was totally right… and I got tingles.

This is one of the things that keeps me going, and even feeling ok letting go of The Ambassador—  I don’t want some superficial surface kind of interaction.  In fact, I won’t do it.  If you don’t want to hear my secrets…  If you’re too scared to share your own, or would just rather be in something with a lower level of intimacy–  Then I wish you luck finding that— with someone else!  No can do, Senior.  I’m out.

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Published in: on April 5, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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  1. My favorite ex once posed the idea of us being the “right” one for each other in terms of focus. At the time, she was having second thoughts, but I wasn’t in the right mind to see it. However, the idea was that you find some one and you back the focus off just a little bit to make sure the sharpness is genuine. Not that I think back about it, for me the focus was pretty damn sharp – 3D HD on plasma sharp. After all, she used metaphors and analogies freely and rocked to Reverend Horton Heat at the drop of a hat.
    I digress.
    The idea is that we might be afraid of letting go and allowing someone completely in. I do this all the time, apparently. STBX, Polyglot. It’s just something that I do because of *that* ex and the unfortunate comparisons I unknowingly held following relationships to. Fear of getting THAT hurt along with the fear of hurting someone else THAT much.
    Ah… it’s all a work in progress.

    • You are right… It all comes down to fear. I have been PLENTY afraid to let people in, especially over the last several years. It was so instinctual, I didn’t even realize I was doing it. Even when it was pointed out to me, I couldn’t see it.


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