He Wants To Have His Cake and Eat It Too

This may be the frickin' funniest cake I've ever seen.

What a horrific day.  I was feeling all together unproductive and cranky as hell.  As I sat curled up on my couch watching my own dvr created Sex in the City marathon, my daughter wandered in to the room.  She caught a glimpse of the Carrie Bradshaw vomiting on a beach in The Hamptons.  My girl, in all her innocence, was curious as to why she was throwing up the contents of her stomach on to the sand.  I gingerly explained that it is possible to become so incredibly distraught that you actually vomit.  And then it happened to me…

In the spirit of a break-up, I had been backing up off messaging The Ambassador.  He’d gone out-of-town this past weekend and instead of driving myself crazy wondering who’d he’d gone to see and what he was doing…  I let it lie.  Didn’t think about it.

Of course, it didn’t work since The Ambassador is full of shit and has no reason, except his own fear of intimacy, to have broken up with me…. SO he started reaching out.  Yesterday was particularly disturbing.

I confessed my crankiness and the fact that I was going to draaaaag my grumpy ass out to a play with my girlfriend and hope I’d be glad I’d done it.  He asked why wouldn’t I be glad, and then he persisted with this…

Ambassador :  What if the male star of the show, tall, athletic build, beautiful to gaze at, steps forth off the stage, & wins you over?

Cadence:  What kind of fantasy world do you live in?

Ambassador:  Hold on, I didn’t finish.  Steps forth with a rose, reaches down and sucks your face for like five minutes…

Cadence:  It would be ridiculous since I don’t know that person at all.  For that kind of romantic gesture to mean anything, you have to know the person.

All I could think was, unless The Ambassador intends to show up at this play with a rose (he’d just described himself anyway), he’d better shut the fuck up.  Of course, I didn’t say that.  I did, however, decide to lay it on the line as he continued…

Ambassador:  But you really liked this play…

Cadence:  I don’t know if you are trying to encourage me to move on, or hoping I’ll say I’m still thinking about you.  I’m still thinking about you.

For some reason, it was painful to fess up to that.  With his same self-absorbed, one-sided style– he replied…

Ambassador:  Just wondering

Just wondering?!  What the fuck is this guy doing?!  This was a bitch TWO fold… not only did he once again NOT reciprocate and fess up to thinking about me too, which leaves me floating out there all vulnerable like but also raked a sharp object across the raw emotions that have been taunting me with questions like “Will I ever have the kind of relationship I’m looking for?  Is it just some kind of unrealistic dream?

As I twisted in my own skin, I forwarded the messages to Captain Amazing.  “Who IS this guy?” he asked, and then said “He wants his cake… He is a manipulator and that’s what drives this relationship for him.  I’m sorry  😦 ”

I stated my opinion that he was far too self involved to run a manipulation on anyone.  All he can see is what he feels in the  moment, with no consideration for how his actions might affect the other person.

Later, in speaking to The School Teacher, she used the same phrase “he wants to have his cake and eat it too.”

I thought about it…  What is it some kind of ego boost for him?  He wants to have me waiting in the wings.  Well, he doesn’t get it.  He doesn’t get to have me hanging around, not moving on, just being in love with him while he refuses to reciprocate.

“What you need here is some boundaries” the School Teacher preached in all her wisdom.  No sarcasm…She’s wise, and an amazing friend, not to mention totally right.

“He needs to either be a grown up and deal with the scary stuff, or leave it alone.  It’s not fair what he’s doing to you.  He’s messing with you.  It’s not fair.  He can’t just expect you to stick around because he wants you but he’s not ready for you.  That’s bullshit.”

She also reminded me that I don’t have to be friends with him right away.  I shook my head.  You see, it’s just not that simple.  What I have with The Ambassador is a rare thing.  When we are together, it effortless to connect with him.  We “get” each other.  It’s very much rooted in friendship.  I’ve many times heard the suggestion “never date someone you wouldn’t be friends with.”  I believe I’ve mastered that at this point.

The Ambassador is my friend.  It’s not a matter of trying to become his friend but instead stop being anything more than that.  Guess I’d better set some limits.  I think a serious talk is in order…

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Published in: on April 1, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (18)  
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  1. Have any of your friends made you countable for your actions. It’s not him that’s the problem because he is being who he’s known to be…. It’s you expect him to be something different. Your friend placing the blame on him doesn’t help you….it just make you want to defend him because you know it’s more you. It’s you that is accepting less than you believe you deserve, It’s you creating the illusion of a man that would open up, and it’s you that spends all your emotion and not gaining enough emotion in return. You can call him a coward for not just telling you that he is never going to be with you but I am sure he doesn’t feel that way. I sure someday he won’t mine and other days he would, making his emotions not consistent enough to commit to you. Would you want a man to commit half his heart to you? You love him because he wouldn’t commit to you unless he was certain, where others would and still act single. To blame him for your emotions is unfair because he is the man you fell in love with; you are the one who changed the idea of the type of man you should fall in love with and now you’re trying to change the man!!!! P.S. you should always be honest with your heart regardless if you’re getting their heart back in return. He may be fishing for your heart but you should always let him know he has it until it gets away!!!!

    • My friends do talk to me about my behavior. As I mentioned, The School Teacher telling me I need to put some boundaries in place.

      Of course, some friends are better about this than others. It all depends on where we are with our own personal growth and development lies.

      I know I am struggling against how things are & this is preventing me from experiencing the joys of what is… I am just finding it difficult to let go of that at this point.

      • Its not about letting go as much as its about finding your worth. Your life is passing and your spending time wishing in hope instead of living in it….Our heart do have a mind of their own but when its destroying our class it starts to fail us. I do believe in the heart but i believe truly love is when that heart and the mind is on the same page. We live in a society with so many ideas of how to achieved a meaningful relationship but ultimately it boils down to how much we are willing to endure in a relationship. Once we stop believing in its existence than it becomes exist….love this man with all your heart but don’t lose your mind in the process. He is only responsible for what he is getting you….you decide if its enough.

      • For me it’s a lot about letting go… My spirtual balance is out of wack. I am burning too much time and energy trying to go, do, fix, read, write… do, do, do… and the side of my spirit that needs to just BE, can’t these days. Letting go is important. It’s acceptance. It’s my ability to see things as they are, and stop trying to change or fix them. Stop hoping it’s different from what it actually is.

        Loved your lines about losing your mind and deciding if it’s enough.

  2. That IS a freakin’ hilarious cake 🙂

    Good luck with the serious talk, and hope it works, you certainly don’t need to have your emotions continuously yanked on!

  3. You are nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award. Congratulations. See my page for details.

  4. This is incredible draining for you. No wonder you feel like you have to empty your stomach on the preverbial sands.

  5. Having the courage to confess your feelings, then having that someone not reciprocate anything, or at least comment – is the worst! He reminds me of my last bf, when I told him I missed him (after not seing him for 2 weeks) – “uhhhuhh.” What a kick in the stomach. They are so NOT emotionally mature enough to have a serious relationship

  6. Finding our mate is why we live…..take control of your journey!!!! remember love is your gift and the pain that you’re feeling is also a gift because there are people that don’t allow themselves close enough to fail at it. The feeling of love is greater than the pain of losing it, risk it all!!!!

    • I certainly agree we must risk it all & love the idea that finding our mate is why we live but I think I’m kinda heavy on the control side, as I have been trying to control things I have no power over… Like when someone refuses to open his heart to me.

      • Controlling the journey means understanding your not in control. All you can deal with is what you give not what you receive. Love is a faith; we put out all we are and expect to get back all they are. Do we deserve it all, yes, but when we settle for less that’s what we will get. I love your blog title “search for a soul mate” because its the key to finding one. Don’t stop the search by buying into the belief that your soul mate won’t come with open arms!!!!

      • Idk, that first line sounds like back pedaling to me. Lol. For me it’s more like the serenity prayer grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference.

      • I only know one way to pedal a bike and that’s forward…. if you caught me in something i have know problem saying “your right” and learning from my mistake!!!! HAHAHAHA, All the things i have learned from making mistakes…. dont worry you will have your chance to challenge me but this blog is all about you, so we’re all coming together trying to challenge you on your mistakes!!!! Your vulnerability is great and refreshing…..

      • I share my story in order to be connected to a community of writers, let them know they aren’t alone & maybe inspire them toward personal growth in some way, as I stumble through mine. I do -not- put my vulnerabilities up on wordpress so people can pick them apart and challenge me on all my mistakes. While I do appreciate kind, honest feedback, I am a conscious person. I don’t need others to point out percieved mistakes.. I am living this journey & am very aware when something doesn’t feel right.

  7. Mistake does have a negative connotation so I should have used trials…. My comment wasn’t an attempt to belittle your work but to make you laugh while praising it. Guess it was humor going bad. I don’t look at your vulnerability as a weakness but a strength…. And the refreshing part was because I see that you use yourself as inspiration to encourage other to be open. Trust me I am not “full of shit” if I wanted to attack you I am very straight and blunt!!!! I like your blog…. So don’t feel the need to protect yourself from me; I am an ally.


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