Walk The Walk

I was out walking with The Ambassador the other day…  The experience was just like many others we have had.  He invited me, and then when I got to his apartment, he had forgotten.  That kind of bullshit frustrates me to no end.  I am a big believer in….  if it’s important to you, you’ll remember.

We talked for a while.  I told him my dog had a seizure the night before, and as he does on the very rare occasion, he shared too.  I finally found out the horrible story of how he’d lost his absolutely most beloved dog.

We sat on the couch and talked…  He reached his foot over and to brush against mine.  I immediately called him out… “What are you doing?  You wanna touch me, don’t you?”  He laughed and confessed.

The Ambassador insisted on jumping in the shower before we got to walking, and he made NO motion to shield himself.   He stripped down in front of me without even blinking.

I watched… of course I watched.  I talked to him through the curtain as he showered.  He even shook his stick at me.  (WHY do men do that??  I guess they know how sexy it is.  —insert sarcastic eye roll here)

As we walked and talked, I continued to make connections between things he was saying and our relationship OR relationships in general.  I guess I was feeling a little obsessive.  He joked at me about it.

I don’t understand this man.  We talked about phallic shapes, and I was further baffled.  I can barely get my hands on the real thing when we were going out, and now he’ll talk about it and point out penis shaped objects all day long.

He continued blabbing out information that began to drive me bonkers.  Things like the fact that he had been haunted by wonderings of whether he would spend his entire life alone… no kids, and NO woman.  I shook my head.  I couldn’t let that one lie…  I just said “You have all of that right in front of you.  You just have to stop pushing it away.”

He talked about the house we had looked at just before the massive relationship decline.  It was a fabulous incredible house, and I had apparently showed a dash too much enthusiasm about it.  My enthusiasm made him light up, and grab all over me the minutes we were alone.  ooooh scary!

Same thought with the house so I didn’t repeat myself.  He could have it, all he had to do was walk down that road.  He has the job, the credit score, and the money.

What it comes down to is we live the lives we have created.  We think about the paths before us.  We choose which path to walk, and the every step or mis-step creates the life you’re living.

We continued on and he mentioned thoughts of grabbing me while I was watching him undress and fucking my brains out.  His actual words were “I wondered if I could have…”

“You could have.” I said.  He looked at me with wide eyes, completely shocked.  Just like everything thing else.  Could have.

Published in: on March 27, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (26)  
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26 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Good for you for telling him like it is! All he is wanting out of life is just in front of him. Lord knows why he is so afraid to grab it. But luckily that’s not your problem. It’s for him to figure out.

    • Yes… SO incredibly true. Even he has said it “You’re everything I want.” At least he is aware and becoming conscious. Too many people in life just walking around ignoring their neurosis or responsiblity in situations. The part I love is that once we see our part, we can change it if we choose to.

  2. Every time I open your blog, I wait to hear you say “he busted through the door after all”… dang it, why can’t that be the happy ending I keep reading for? Silly silly man, he is holding up a perfectly good fairy tale!

    • FOR REAL! He certainly is holding up a fairytale! AND a very sexy and amazing one at that! What really mystifies me is that he repeatedly tells me it’s what he wants!!!!

      **sigh** I guess I’ll just have to quote someone about that. “There is a wide chasm between knowing what you want and being ready to recieve it.” –Katherine Woodward Thomas

  3. “You have all of that right in front of you.  You just have to stop pushing it away.” What was his response?
    Very, very good post. Full of possibilities and/or missed opportunities. Had this conversation a month ago, and things are better friendship wise, but the chance was missed…on both parts.

    • The Ambassador had -nothing- to say for he -knows- this.

      Sorry to hear you had a missed opportunity but I believe in second chances. 😉

      • “-Nothing- to say” is “nothing to gain”, really. Someone could *know* they are making a huge-ish mistake, but to continue down that path in the full glare of reality barreling down on them… well then they deserve to be relationship road kill.
        Clean the mess, see if the steering shimmies, and lament the poor varmint as you go on to better and better things.
        …but then again, I’m a cynic. Haha

      • Ha! Relationship road kill! Love that phrase!

  4. He tells you what he wants but then when you relax and / or start to actually think it may be ok, he damn well takes it away ..

    I think this man is an asshole.

    Sorry hon, I wanted to like him, I really did but it seems to me he’s just f@cking with you. And that annoys me. Lots..!

    Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s sincere and I don’t think he’d mess with you on purpose .. that doesn’t excuse it tho.

    It’s like child abuse.. at some point, someone has to stand up and go “no, ya know what – I am not going to hit MY kid even tho I was beaten as a child”!

    His actions distress and confuse you and that aint OK.

    Rrrrrrr ok rant over, I’m all stressed out and taking it out on your blog *hides*

    • Yes, he -does- yank the rug out from under me. It’s gettin’ damn old too.

  5. I don’t understand these men. What do they think we are going to put a collar around their necks and castorate them for all eternity?
    As for this one – Like my best-gf says to me (about my former holy grail)”he needs to shit or get off the pot.”

    • I have heard that phrase related to him so many times! He’s definitely on his own program but I guess we all have to operate at our own pace. All I can do is decide my own path.

  6. As I read this blog, I see a man that has everything in a friend but the romantic feelings. He is waiting for someone “like you” to come along that he has “romantic feeling” for. We can never blame anyone for staying around someone that gives them the world…. but we can blame ourselves for expecting it in return. You should crave him as long as your taste buds will allow; you shouldn’t move forward until you’re done because the next man doesn’t deserve him lingering in your heart. Just a heads up…. He seems to be a self-loather and you a nurturer, but he will drain you because you can’t force him to love himself and you’ll be taking care of both of y’all for the rest of your life (like he’s a bartender or cashier)!!!!

    • I can see the romantic feelings there and the fear… I appreciate the suggestion to not move forward until my heart is done & you are correct about the nuturer/ self loather. As much as I try to make him feel loved, he’ll never feel it until he loves himself.

      • Don’t ever get caught in the potential of a partner. Murders have potential but that doesn’t change the fact that they don’t stop killing. Remember a home should be built by two contractors that want the same design…. Not by yourself waiting for someone to knock on your door. I am a nurturer too but I understand that our best partner will also be a nurturer. Though we get passion from help others, we shouldn’t get married to that passion. Love will come in the form of someone that looks in your eyes and see themselves. Romance will come from someone motivated by your smiles. What he sees in you is a great friend that he can possible settle for because he fears no one will love him to way you do. He will always need until he finds someone he truly wants. I don’t know you to say you deserve better (could be a heartbreak) but I know if you feel you deserve better you may have to deal with the realization that he isn’t it. You don’t need to feel need to be loved…. Love comes from being wanted for a lifetime!!!!

      • I really love what you wrote about finding another nurturer and the idea of building a house together of the same design. I’m sure that’s true. The Ambassador does have a nuturing heart but he has a block when it comes to receiving.

        I must say, I find it maddening that you propose to know how he feels about me. I have walked beside him, laughed with him, laid in his arms and looked in to his eyes. I know there is more there than simply the warmth of friendship there & I am not a woman anyone “settles” for.

        I am also not someone who needs to be needed. This man -needs- nothing from me. He has his life neatly arranged and operates just fine on his own. He continues to reach out to me because his heart drives him too. He craves the soulful connection we have, but as we get closer, the fear of losing that incredible connection becomes overwhelming and he slams the door. It’s a discouraging cycle and I can’t wait around forever for him to unlock that door & keep it open.

  7. I feel for you. There’s nothing worse than loving someone who is wrong for you. It’s easy to say “walk the walk right out of his life,” but it’s nearly impossible to do. My fingers are crossed that your relationship moves one way or the other, because sitting in limbo is the worst!

    • Yes.. Limbo, pergatory– half way between heaven and hell. My bestie tells me all the time “He’s not right for you” but I see all this potential juuuust barely out of reach.

      • Sorry if I maddened you…. the picture you painted shows a man that’s uncertain about being with a woman giving him her all!!!! I’m sure he is established but emotionally he isn’t. You’re waiting to open this door in him yet you’re flexing all your muscles and the door budges a little and closes back; what would you tell someone that is trying to force open a door that should be wide open for them? We all have pasts of disappointment but compatible/happiness is based on being with someone that is looking forward to a positive future. I want you to be happy because everyone deserves to be….and if he keeps chasing his tail in your presence you’ll always be fighting for his attention!!!!

      • I appreciate your comments.. It’s just hard not to be hopeful that he’ll finally dislodge his damn foot from behind the door & let me in. He doesn’t help the situation either because everytime I turn to go, he opens the door just enough to peek his head out and beckon me towards him.

        I’ve never had so much laughter in a relationship. Our connection is intoxicating. & I don’t mind working through stuff with someone but this is getting ridculous.

      • Why does it have to be a commitment or nothing, why can’t he remain your friend that you can laugh and enjoy his company? Sometimes life brings someone along to revive our hearts and show us what we have been missing….maybe he serves as a gateway to your true paradise (someone else). You may have to stop and make a list of what is important to you because if spend time with him trumps commitment than use all your life to enjoy him company without the title. If being in a commit relationship is a strong desire then go out and get what you deserve. I am sure he is intoxicated by your present as well (that’s why he keeps coming back) but I am sure he doesn’t want to destroy what y’all have by being your daily life partner. He either believe he does have the ability to sustain a healthy relationship (which we all do) or y’all are truly at different places and he loves you as a friend and doesn’t want to lose that. Bottom line is you can’t blame him for want to be in your presence without wanting more because he is give you what he has to offer right now…you have to make the decision on whether or not you’re going to buy it!!!! (we’re becoming PenPals hahahaha)

      • Brash, you ask some good questions. I do have a couple close friends that I met on dating sites, we weren’t a match but they enrich my life so much. I am trying to get my heart aligned with the friend thing when it comes to The Ambassador but it’s proving to be incredibly difficult. There’s just so much there beyond the friendship feelings.

        Capt. Amazing is with out question one of my best friends but I don’t remember having this kind of issue with him. It wasn’t gut wrenching. The friendship thing I’d what felt most right for us.

        I guess the difference with The Ambassador is the push-pull scenario. Idk. I’m praying & writing & trying to come to terms with things… Hasn’t really happened yet tho.

      • I have great relationships with all my exes…. At times emotions cloud the friendship but I remind them that friendship comes first. I am a big believer in keeping people around that know you the best. I don’t understand why people, who had peaceful breakup don’t remain friend. Love and relationships are my topics and my life. I live with my exes, we are best friends, and I am dating. The emotions can be stressful but the love for one another always prevails. Dating is hard when you’re loyal to someone you have been intimate with, but I am very upfront about my situation and let them know she isn’t going anywhere. I mention this to say, that relationships comes with a lot of different obstacles you always have to understand if you’re built for the course. The tug and pull has to do with ego’s not love. If you love the chase, he is the man for you, but if you want a person that reciprocates your passion you have to set that as your standard to finding that man. Love is a lifestyle that most misconstrue as an idea!!!! AB (AmazinglyBrash) You can keep living the dream or you can wake up to a reality!!!!

      • You have a great point in IF I were someone who loved to chase. IF!

  8. So are you guys still together, or what’s happening here?

    • Nope, we broke up. He initiated the break up talk, then asked me to go for a walk. I agree, thinking maybe he wanted to talk to me or had changed his mind or something… But NOPE. Just like so many times before when I thought something would happen, and nothing really did.

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