What About Me???

I am in such an odd space today.  I was at this place where I had decided I was just going to love him.  Just keep loving The Ambassador… hang in there, be as open as I can (which is more open than I have been since I have been worried I’d scare his skittish ass away)and plant roots like an oak.  Trust in the power of personal growth, or fate, or God.

The Ambassador and I had lunch the other day and touched on some subjects.  He confessed to having SO many fears.  He admitted that my theories about him craving intimacy but also being terrified of it were correct.  I told him I didn’t know what else to do with myself except to keep loving him.  He responded favorably with sweetness and some affection.

He opened the door to the truck for me and pulled the seat belt… something he never did when we were trying to be “just friends”…  He made some remark about my epic rack, and confessed he’s -always- thinking about my boobs.  Then he joked that I was a cheap date, since I hadn’t eaten when we went to lunch.  (Already ate before he called.)

I was feeling like we are right on the verge of breaking through The Ambassador’s intimacy wall, and when that happens it’ll be like a dam breaking.  A sudden rush of emotion and it will be incredible.

Then yesterday I didn’t hear from him until late…   He said he wanted to hear from me before he slept.  I replied “Muah!” and he just said “thanks”.  Classic Ambassador style.

My bestie, Captain Amazing, is convinced The Ambassador isn’t right for me.  He’s said this many times, and I’m sure it’s because he knows I’m not getting my needs met.  He also knows I’m fabulous and deserve to have a man who makes more of an effort to win my affections.

His position is that The Ambassador has a hell of a lot of personal growth work to do, and he’d have to make a lot of big changes to be right for me.  I maintain, he simply needs to take the wall down and all will be right with the world.

When I told Captain Amazing about last nights texts.  The conversation went like this:

Capt Amazing:  “What a dick.  I’m sorry, but that was a power move.”

Cadence:  “I hadn’t thought about it like that, but it doesn’t really bother me.”

Capt Amazing:  “How can it NOT when you crave words of affirmation?”

Cadence:  “I’m secure enough.  After 10 months of doing this dance, I know he has strong feelings.  & I know he’s working through all kinds of fears of intimacy.  I understand it.  When get anxious, I try to control things too.”

After this little text conversation I got in the bath and thought about it.  I thought… I don’t know if I know how to love him any other way.  He is my friend, and a very close one at that, but there’s just MORE there.  There just is.  I could try to move on, but I don’t want to.

Today, after once again not hearing from him all day…  I started to think, well, what about me?  I need more attention & appreciation & sex.  Yes, I need lots and lots of sex.  lol.

Seriously though,  I need to have someone respond to me in a way that leaves me with NO question that’s he’s hella interested.  I am an amazing, passionate, incredibly understanding, successful, sexy woman and damn it, I want to be adored!  To use a cheesy quote from Sex in The City “I am someone who is looking for love.  Real love.  Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live without each other love.”

Wow, maybe I was wrong about what I told Captain Amazing.  Maybe it does -bother me-.

As the day went on with still no word from The King of Wishy-Washy, Mr. Mixed Messages, The Infamous Ambassador of Ambiguity….  I could feel my heart starting to let go.

He zipped me a couple texts after work.  He’d had a meeting he was proud of.  Cool… I had a day of pure insanity at work.  It was so madly busy, there was no way to keep up.  I had officers popping up on my radio like crazy, with no pre-alerts and talking all over each other.  There were sometimes three units at a time trying to blab at me.  All the while, the fucking phone is ringing, and I am trying to update the computer in the midst of the commotion.   There were people coming in to dispatch trying to talk to me, and other officers who KNEW there were several incidents working that were completely overwhelming the airwaves.  What the hell is wrong with those guys?!!

I mentioned to him that it was finally slowing but I had been drowning in incidents and arrests and was feeling super over stimulated.  Then, he messaged me this (saying nothing about the day I’d had, btw) ”

I think I’m going to let myself go, with the ideas of me on the back burner until I can feel my emotions take hold, reminding me of who I forgot when I decided to stand up.”

What the hell does that mean?  It sounds important.  It sounds deep.  I finally got a break and called him…  He didn’t answer.  I texted back “I’m intruiged but I didn’t fully understand the text message.  I called but you didn’t pick up.”

No reply.

I’ve decided to shrug it off, thinking he may have fallen asleep.  I’ll see him tomorrow anyway, he asked me to go walking with him.

Now it’s midnight.  I’m off work and tryin to unwind so I can sleep.  As I sit out on my back porch smoking and looking up at the stars, I realize I’m through the roughest part of the break up.  That last text message could have meant anything.  If he says he wants to get back together tomorrow, do I even want to go there?  I know it’ll put me right back writhing in pain again if he persists with this push pull scenario and bails again.  Do I want to start over?

I don’t mind taking a risk for love, but I want to atleast feel like I have a chance at winning.  What’s a girl to do?

I had been thinking I have more to learn in this situation… Like for instance WHY I am trying so fucking hard with a guy that’s not reciprocating as much as I’d like…. or like how to be fully open and honest about what I’m feeling without letting the other person’s possible reaction scare me out of it.  Maybe I should see this through.

Riddle me this Readers, if you find yourself staring down a problem (or personal growth issue, whatever) and you try to dodge it…  don’t face it and work through it—  doesn’t it just come back around again with a vengence???

Published in: on March 20, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (12)  
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12 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. In response to your question…YES! In my experience, relationships serve to teach us about ourselves. We keep getting the same lessons handed to us until we learn what we need to about us and move on. It sounds like you are gettting there. I keep repeating the same phrase to myself over and over….Never be someone’s option, be their priority! Good luck…:)

    • Yup, I’m getting there… It’s proving to be kind of a hard lesson.

  2. nice! keep writing 🙂

  3. Yes! It comes back with a wrath like no other. Then you are exponentially pissed – 1) for finally having to deal with it and 2) for NOT dealing with it before and having one less thing to stress over.

    I can’t remember if this is me repeating myself or not, but it just might be the thrill of the chase for Mr. Wishy-washy. He *knows* he has you, therefore it becomes less of a pursuit than a cat with its paw on the tail of the mouse he is tormenting.
    This is coming from someone who *was* where he is with the Polyglot. I couldn’t commit, I essentially wasted her time (actually, she *knew* what she was getting into… sorta), but she had the faith that I would come around. I did, but not on HER timeline, and even if I did… there would have been that question in my head of whether or not it was all genuine on my part….

    • Great response… I am working through a bunch of thoughts these days but I just have a feeling there is going to be something else.

  4. You’re not ready to let him go yet. You still see him, text him, talk to him and wait for him to call. You’re not out of it, you’re in it. You’re totally available to him for his emotional needs but like you said…what about you? Only you can answer that question and consequences may be painful. It’s not easy and I feel for you.

    • Very true, Diva. Even though we had the break-up talk, my heart has not let go yet. I’m working through my feelings about it. There are times when it’s very very obvious how available I am for him, and just how UNAVAILABLE he is to me— and ughhhh that turns my stomach. I need to process it all. I need for my heart to catch up with my head. I know I deserve better, and I want much more out of a partner… Now if my heart could only catch up.

  5. Yes, it keeps coming back until you deal. You know, my husband and I honestly did that dance for over a year. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, told me to give up. 17 years later, I’m glad I was too hard headed. I just knew there was something between us… But I finally had to ignore him for to get him to come around. I started answering only half of his calls… To be perfectly honest, I kept asking myself the same questions you’re facing and I finally decided to close the door because the wishy washy stuff was becoming too painful. I think it scared him, because he came busting through that door! I think you may be right, there might be a journey still there. So if your gut tells you not to bail just yet, listen to yourself. But my husband once told me when we were dating that the person who craves the least amount of attention gets to have all the power. So I decided to make him think I didn’t need his attention, even though, secretly, I did. It worked, and to this day when we start to get out of sorts, I just back up and turn those tables again and it always helps restore us! Hang in there…

    • That’s a beautiful story, sweetie.. I love that you said he came busting through that door! For me, though, I can’t just keep hanging for someone who withholds. It’s too painful. I don’t see King Wishy-Washy busting through any doors. Maybe he’s just not “that guy”. We def have an incredible connection but I am too valuable to put on a shelf & only tend to when he feels like it. Ya, I think there’s is something more to learn but I have a sneaking suspicion that it won’t be pretty.

  6. You are a busy, capable woman with a full life and lots of love to give. You don’t need a project. You need someone who will come to the table as your equal and be able to give you what you need in return for what you can give him. Loving someone unconditionally who may not be capable of giving you the same measure of love is something you do for your children. Not a partner. Just my opinion, of course.

    • Well, I think I’m in love with your opinion on this one. You are absolutely right. Now to figure out how to tattoo those first 3 lines on my heart.

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