The Highly Sensitive Person in Love

In my attempt to wrap my head around this whole situation, (being dumped with a host of positive sentiments and no valid negative reason), I bought a book.  Actually, I bought a bunch of books, but I had one shipped overnight.  It’s “The Highly Sensitive Person in Love” by Elaine Aron, phd.

I saw “The Highly Sensitive Person” mentioned on Danny’s site (see blog roll) and when I went to look for it, I found this one…  Her second book and more focused on relationships, rather than a broad view of how being highly sensitive affects all aspects of your life.  Of course, I chose the relationship book.  I suspect anyone who knows me, or reads my blog would NOT be surprised.

I began reading, which has proven difficult since my brains are like scrambled eggs thanks to this break up thing.  Turns out, it’s a fantastic book and is helping me understand– myself and The Ambassador better.

I am a highly sensitive person, but a sensation seeker at the same time.  This means I constantly have one foot on the gas, and one on the break.  I am easily bored, and easily overwhelmed at the same time.

The Ambassador, I’d guess, is a highly sensitive person but much more to the extreme and more introverted than I.

I have always thought The Ambassador to have a very low tolerance for intimacy, which is why he takes things slow… and that means dragging, painfully slow.  BUT in this process, we have managed to get pretty close.  I am certain, at this point, that getting so close became overwhelming for him and he ran.  I understand it.  Not that it didn’t hurt.  It hurt like hell.  I -hate- that he does that, but I do understand.

For me, when I get overstimulated by whatever it may be, I tend to want to run back home to my safe place and hide inside.  Even if it’s a pleasant situation, like the dinner party we had, I can still become overwhelmed and need to withdraw.  So, I get it.

For me, I tend to be very aware of how I put hings out there…  How I say things, how I act.  I realize that little differences can cause something to be absorbed in a completely off kilter way.  I am aware of this and try very hard to send messages out in the way I want them to be absorbed.

I’ve also learned that I tend to be kinda secretive about my feelings.  I’m so aware of the variety of reactions I might get, that sometimes I’ll just keep it to myself.  My tendency to do this is especially strong with The Ambassador because he’s skittish.  I need to stop that.

As far as The Ambassador goes… I think because of his sensitivity and his uber harsh back ground… He has a very intense fear of intimacy.  He craves emotional closeness, but fears it at the same time.  This makes for one hell of an inner struggle.

I’m not sure where I’m going or what I shall do with this information.  For some reason, trying to understand why things happen comforts me.

The fact is, I still need and deserve a partner who is committed and attentive… not constantly withdrawing and withholding.   The Ambassador doesn’t seem to have changed his mind either…. but somethings telling me to keep on loving him.  Maybe this isn’t done yet.  Maybe both of us have more to learn.

Published in: on March 18, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Sorry you’re going through this tough time Cadence, but kudos for trying to stay positive! With that outlook, you will get what you need and deserve sooner or later 🙂

    • Thank you, Ben. I’m sure I will get it but most likely -not- from The Ambassador… Still, something tels me there are more lessons coming my way… And it might not be pleasant. Wish I had some body armor right about now. Lol

  2. I am one of those highly sensitive people myself, and one of my children is one too… it sucks! LOL

    • I see it differently… I live with PASSION & I believe it is truly the only way to live.

      • I can see your point, I just spent so many years as a total crybaby! 🙂

      • I understand. I have certainly had plenty of tears but when the pendulum swings, the bliss is magical. I’m glad I don’t live in the ho-hum in the middle.

  3. unfortunately the cost of high sensitivity and childhood abuse in men is withholding, controlling and no ability to be intimate….tending towards narcissicm which is a tough nut to crack… is exhausting. I know as I am currently in this situation and it has been painful…..i am trying to let go because i know it is draining me and yes, i deserve more….but , being an empath i also recognize i am attracted to these dysfunctional types like a magnet

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