Day 1 Post Break-Up

I have been going through all kinds of phases.  The night of the break up I busted in on The Sultry School Teacher and sucked down a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

She listened and just repeated her analogy that he is like a Mercedes with no engine.  The outside is amazing, but what good does it do you if you can’t drive it?  Ugh, I don’t know.  I do know I was praying for tears though.  I needed a release…  crying, screaming… whatever.. but nothing came… only slumped shoulders and sad eyes.

Today… Day 1…  A lot of thoughts floating through my head since the break up.  It kind of started with, if my needs really weren’t getting met then why am I so upset?  I mean, there wasn’t tons of hot sex that I’ll be missing.  Not to say it wasn’t good…  -when- I got it.  I need more affirmation and I really can’t be with someone I have to drag things out of…

Still, I hate to see all the laughter and connecting leave my life.  Why would he give that up?

He just wouldn’t allow himself to get excited or happy.  He’s always lit up for me, but every time I have started to see the shine in his eyes get brighter—  He turned and ran.

I need to stop becoming attached to men who are broken!

I’m sitting in a training class with 10 other dispatchers trying not to cry.  Damn tough bitches… no way am I going to let them see that.  It’s tough though…  My main tool in dealing with these kinds of situations is DISTRACTION, and there is nothing to distract me except some painfully boring monotone instructor at the front of the room.  It leaves a hell of a lot of room for my mind to wander.

They can tell I’m weird though.  One of my supervisors even asked me about it.  Man, I felt like such a twit.  I was dismissive saying “just stupid boyfriend stuff”.  Christ, what am I like 15 years old?!  All torn up about this bullshit.  Some of those women have REAL problems, like husbands with cancer and ailing parents who live with them and are requiring more and more care.

The first night, in my attempt to release myself from the jaws of anger, I got my ass to bible study.  I’m a slightly unconventional christian (obviously as I have used ass and bible study in the same sentence), but I do believe in guidance and revelation.   So, I headed over to The Pastor’s house.  He and his wife are close to my age and friends of mine, and have met John and also heard much about him.

Since they know me, they immediately asked what was up, was life driving me crazy?  “Oh, no, The Ambassador is the only one driving me crazy right now.” I replied.  Of course they raised their eyebrows as a request for me to elaborate, which I did– a little.

To my surprise The Pastor replied “Maybe he’s just an idiot.  I mean, he could be just an IDIOT.”  Any other day I would have fallen off the couch laughing so hard, but that day I just said “damaged is more like it.”

I looked around the room and there were 2 couples (of course, it figures) who had probably been married for several decades.  As we chatted a young girl walked in, and I was relieved until I saw her husband right behind her.  What is she like 20???

The Pastor introduced them and it turns out they are newlyweds just a few weeks in… married on Valentine’s Day.  Lovely.  In my head I cursed and swore if one more couple showed up I was stormin’ out of there.  OH, and did I mention the newly married guy was super hot and had the same first name as The Ambassador??  yup.

The Ambassador has a biblical name, and wouldn’t you know it, that happened to be the book in the bible we were reading from.  (more internal cursing)

I curled up on the couch and listened.  All the while thinking about how I have been SO certain that God brough The Ambassador in to my life for a reason, but bewildered as to what that reason is.

There was conversation, and in the end, the bible study lesson seemed to land on “Love one another as I have loved you.”

That’s the reason.  That’s the reason God sent him my way.  With The Ambassador’s nightmare of a childhood, and the fact that he pushes people away and lets NO ONE in…  He is left with a life in which there is NOT ONE person who tells him they love him.  NONE.  It’s not that he is some kind of asshole who doesn’t deserve to be loved… oh no, he’s amazing and warm but he doesn’t let anyone get near him emotionally.

So, somehow my challenge is to love him, but not let him hurt me.  Is that even possible?  Maybe, but certainly not easy.

I went home and messaged The Ambassador.  What it came down to was…  I care about him.  I always will.  I am not going to disappear, but at the same time– this break up was definitely right because his wishy-washy back and forth bullshit hurts me like hell.  I can deal with the hurts that naturally come in life, but I need to make sure I’m not standing down range.

Of course, he wasn’t expecting this.  He was most likely expecting me to spew some anger and verbal abuse on to him–  or desperately try to hang on with some ridiculous manipulation like “I’m pregnant”.  He’s seen all that before… and more than once.

Not this girl.  I don’t operate like that.  I told him I’m still his friend, but I won’t chase him or drag things out of him.  AND I damn sure don’t want to hear about any other girls.  I know I am unusual, and to some probably ridiculous and diluted but it’s who I am.  I always feel like a nut job revealing my inner struggles, beliefs and motivations.  I don’t know why that is.

The Ambassador made a bunch of jokes out of his nervousness, but in the end simply said “Thanks for being good to me.”

After that I went next door to pour out all the craziness in my head to The Sultry School Teacher….  surprisingly, she didn’t think it sounded so crazy.

Published in: on March 11, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (10)  
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10 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. “I hate to see all the laughter and connecting leave my life. Why would he give that up?”

    Because he’s broken and an idiot.

    Try to turn it around hon .. and love the fact that you’re losing all the confusion, the agonising over what happened, the dragging shit out of him, the LACK of connecting, the mind games he played (whether deliberate or not – they messed with you) and know it’s gone / you will not have to deal with any more ..

    Or drink more.
    Whichever works best.
    *huggles you*

    • I think I’ll do both. You are a fantastically supportive blogger friend. Thank you for that. Hugz back!

  2. It’s not crazy. You’re hurting bad right now. If he’s damaged you can’t fix him. Staying with someone damaged can make you damaged over time. Cry, write, vent, do whatever you need to do.

    • You are so right. That emotional damage is sticky.. If it’s flyin’ round in the air it’ll get on you and be a real bitch to get off!

  3. The word “Ass” is in the bible 🙂

    I am a terrible person to give any advice – about anything, especially relationships but be compassionate to yourself, and your ex.

    He may not have been capable of a relationship, and he may even be broken, but forgive him and forgive yourself.

    • Wonderful advice, and I believe this is the first time you’ve commented. Glad you did. Welcome.

      • I am in therapy enough to tell others what to do, not that I can do it myself.

        I am one of those that is probably “broken” but that does not mean I don’t want.

        Just wondering, did you have to break up? was it not possible to work on it?

      • We could have totally worked on it but he’s gotta want to as well.

  4. So sad.Now man up!!!

    My GF of almost 3 years broke up with me 3 days ago.Although I know she doesn’t really mean it,I’m treating it that way by not brooding and crying,thus making her feel like shit for dumping me.

    You need a bit of that ruggedness(although you’re a woman).

    • I do need a bit of that ruggedness. I’ve got it in there somewhere.. Just need to get in touch with it. Good advice, Kenny.

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