Disappointment Like a Wave

I’m sitting at my desk feeling a wave of disappointment wash over me and settle. If I let the thoughts take over, there might be tears.

It’s been a few days since the big reveal (Of feelings, I mean… you dirty dirty minds!) and things are humming along nicely. Spent time hanging out with The Ambassador last night. For hours we listened to gorgeous slow alternative stuff and talked. I massaged his body, his hands, his feet, legs, back… and just as has happened before, there are a few things that wormed their way in to my head and are left floating around in there today.

He sees me as some kind of goody 2 shoes. In fact, he’s used that phrase. Goody Goody, Good Girl. I don’t know what exactly it means to him, but to me it = boring… The oposite of exciting. The anti-sexy. —and I am NOT the frickin’ anti-sexy.

It occured to me that, in comparison to the last two girls he has dated, maybe I am a goody goody. One was a cheater, a tramp and a drunk while the next one was sneaky, crazy jelous and hella manipulative.

Asking what it meant to him didn’t occur to me at the time.

So, now it’s bothering me. That and the fact that he keeps talking about me being a good decision. I don’t want to be just a decision. I don’t want to be the one that makes sense. I don’t want the logical girl that he THOUGHT he should date. I want him to feel it… I want him to want it, and want me…. and maybe he does. I don’t know. I do know I feel his energy pulling back again, though.
Maybe I’m just over analyzing…. BUT, at the same time, if I feel a shift in the relationship, in the energy and in the ebb and flow– What am I supposed to do? Ignore it and hope for the best? That hardly seems like a good idea.

The disappointment came when I was talking with a friend, and he said he’s only known me a couple weeks and maybe he knows me better than The Ambassador does. Could that be true? Then he said “Hey, if you want a fixer upper– have fun.”
That struck me. It struck me like punch in the gut knocking the wind out of me. How many times have I said I am looking for a partner, not a project? Yet, maybe my friend is right. There in lies my disappointment. (and to all you who are thinking I’m a complete putz for just now realizing this… I know!)

I don’t know how to absorb this really. Part of me asks, aren’t we all fixer uppers in one way or another? I’mcertainly no stinkin’ relationship expert. What am I supposed to learn from this? Then there is… What the hell– Should I go?

I don’t want to go. That’s definately not the right answer, every cell in my body is telling me NOT to bail. So, I shall stay. I’ll pray, and not panic and see what happens. Still, I’m a little sad today.

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Published in: on February 7, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Hrm. Is there even a section at Lowe’s or Home Depot for “Man Kit – some assembly required”?

    I think – at least from a guy’s perspective – that women are only bad decisions in hindsight. Lemme clarify – once the relationship is over, then can it be referred to as a good or bad choice. On the front side of it, it really isn’t a choice – there’s too many years of conditioning working against the rational parts of the brain. I’m not saying that we are programmed to go forth an’ multiply like bunnies with nary a thought to the consequences… well ok, SOME people do, but that’s not the point. We ARE, however, faced with the difficult momentum of when someone enters our lives, the idea of “them” becomes like mental kudzu… all over the friggin’ place and hard to completely eradicate. Yes, they may be damaging to our calm, but they nevertheless become part of our daily thoughts either positive or negative.
    The question is – do you prune the kudzu into a manageable part of the scenery or does it overtake and collapse the structure?

    “Good choice”?
    Hrm…

    • A pruning I will go! & in truth.. We are still learning each other. Plus, Blondie is right.. He certainly -means- it as a compliment. It’s just my own baggage.

  2. When I read that the Ambassador had FINALLY had a breakthrough and realized what a bonehead he was being, my first thought was “Hell, it’s about time!”

    I’m happy for you, truly happy! I’m also very scared for you too. I don’t trust this guy as far as I can throw him! You deserve someone that will fully open up to you. And this taking things slow bullshit? This guy seems emotionally unavailable. Make sure you are getting 100% of his heart. If he wont’ give it to you now, after all this time, after his declaration of feelings for you, you will never get it.

    And these crazy bitches – they never had his heart. They gave off enough drama and bullshit that he didn’t have the time or energy to really do the emotional work of establishing a true connection. THAT is why he was attracted to them. You have your shit together. You are drama free. There is no distraction. He will now have to do the work or lose you.

    • He’s doing fantastic opeing up, actually… This post is so much about being in my own head. The more I think about it, the more I see my own emotional overreaction. Good thing I work this stuff out in my blog instead of blowing up my relationship cuz… Big surprises… Sometimes I’m just wrong.

  3. Good girl, not running .. it’s hard to go against that instinct, I know ..

    Have you ever thought that maybe a relationship IS a project?

    One works at a relationship, one works on a project – if they want it to succeed. One has a desired goal / end state when embarking on a relationship. Very much the same applies to projects.

    So what if it’s the P word vs the R word .. that should have no bearing on the fact you and he are finally starting to make progress..

    Sit tight, try to breathe and don’t give up!

    • I LOVE your comment and have been mulling over how to reply. You are right.. One works at a relationship must like a project and seriously– P word or -R- word.. What does it really matter? That’s just semantiics. THANK U

      • You’re welcome ms goody two shoes
        *grins*

  4. He probably thinks its a compliment to call you a good choice. Hmmm… I identify with this one too much…. My husband once told me I was too classy to go to the party my girl friends were having. I was offended, because I wanted to go and have fun. I wasn’t planning on buying everything on display, but hey, I can laugh it up with best of them! Sometimes I still feel pouty inside when he says “that’s not your kind of bar” or “you don’t do those kinds of things” but finally I am seeing that for him, that’s a big compliment. He thinks of me of someone who sets the bar higher. I don’t really deserve all that credit, but it’s not really bad. I’m wondering if this has you down because it’s different and uncomfortable? But if you always do what you’ve always done, won’t you always get what you always got? Maybe being out of the comfort zone is a plus…. I can’t promise you that, but there’s my silver lining.

    • You are probably right with ur silver lining but it makes me feel like he doesn’t *know* me… Just has some picture in his head of me & it’s the UNsexy Miss Goody 2 Shoes. :-/


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