Calling All Freaks

At first coming off the fence with The Ambassador was a relief. FINALLY dude made a decision, even if it wasn’t what I had hoped for.. I realize it was for the best. I re-opened my match and plenty of freaks profiles.

It didn’t take long for me to remember what a bitch it is out there. Ugh! Men can be SO clueless and rude. They’ll message you even when you are clearly NOT a match. Even when my profile states “public safety dispatcher” and he has a conviction for assault on a peace officer. (Although, at least the felon was attractive, and sweet after I told him no dice. Kudos for that.)

All too often, men don’t read the profiles. That’s one conclusion I’ve come to… THEN when I (as politely as I possibly can) thank said idiots for the message but point out that we are not a match— they often feel compelled to come back with the last word. And it’s usually not a very nice one. Rude.

Men will even message you when your profile says “works out 3­­-5x a week” and he gravely overwieght. Clueless.

Here are some of the winners I’ve come across. We’ll start with The Correctional Officer. Kudos for realizing we are in the same field. That could be good, but yikes on the “about me” section. What was this guy thinking?

I want to find that special women (was this purposely pluralized? lol) that wants to have more kids get married spend just not right now maybe later (huh?) I will spend the rest of our lives together (YOU will?), loves to work out, sports, and nascar. I love hip hop, techno, rap, and 80’s music, and am a hope less romantic. I am very straight forward, and very aggressive always says what is on my mind. (The poor grammer is killing me!) I still dont know what I really want, I know that I just want to make you mine (translation: The conquest is all I want). I will tell you what you want to hear to get what I want (watch out, I lie to get laid!). I am wanting to settle down with that special women (again plural?) if she is out there.

Then there was the guy with a picture of himself standing NEAR Adam Sandler as his main pic. No explaination on his profile. That can’t be good.

Then there was a cyclist (sorry boyz– NOT a sexy hobby in my book) who’s pic reminds me of Mark Walberg. Points there, because I lust over Marky Mark on a regular basis, but oddly enough, there are NO smiling pics of him. Not one. Not even close. Also, he’s a gemini and I have TERRIBLE luck with Geminis. The Ambassador is a gemini and so is my ex-husband. I should really leave those guys alone. His message to me went something like this:

Your comment about two people together against the world really resonates with
me. its been a long time since I’ve thought about that. Id love to learn
more about you. I dont get on here all the time, so you’re welcome to call
or text me if you like. (530)521-8959

I’m sorry, that message SHOUTS “relationships are not important to me”– and also apparently I have permission to contact him. Whatever.

Then there was some 20 yr old kid who IMd me on match asking if I would consider FWB. I was like “Nope. I’m a LTR girl”

Now I can see the value of FWB if you both realize that person is not the one, but you are attacted to each other, familiar and have some trust– but I can’t say that I believe it ever really works. You know, someone starts to get feelings and someone gets hurt. Whatever…. But THIS guy? We are not even friends… He’s stranger danger, dude. He might as well have just said “Are you DTF?”

Out of curiosity I asked him what he thought about the theory that FWB never works and he said “well, it works if you don’t spend time together.” —- See, then how can you be FRIENDS? That’s just a stranger hook-up. PLUS, I need some 20 year old kid like I need a hole in the head.

Next there was a 20 something who emailed me and said “hey, feel free to check out my profile.” DUH, really? I hadn’t thought of that. Where am I, anyway? Oh ya.. online dating site. Dork. Here’s the kicker though.. When I went to his profile, it was almost completely blank. Nearly every single question said “I’ll tell ya later”.

I couldn’t just let that one lie, and messaged him “sparse profile.” He replied “ask me anything you want and I’ll tell you.” No dude… that’s not how this works. What the hell?

There was a dude who’s profile called him “Kissy-fur”. Yuck. For some reason that just blasts the word “gross” in to my head.

There was a guy I sent a wink to on match… He simply winked back. I’m not playin’. If a girl eyes you in a bar, you don’t just eye her back. Step up and go talk to her. Let me spell this out for you, winky guy. Online dating translation= send her a message.

Then there was a very attractive guy who messaged me on plenty of freaks. Still, as we exchanged a few messages… He just kept sending the word “niceeeeeeeee”. I thought wtf? So, I asked him. His reply “I could use other words but I choose that one. Niceeeeeee”

**angry frustrated sigh** Seriously? What are you, some kind of ridiculous frat boy? Are you completely stoned out of your gord? Is there even a brain inside that skull rattling around? Of course, I didn’t say this to the poor brainless guy. I’m not mean to people like that… I just didn’t reply anymore. **eye roll**

As most of these nuts arrived in my inbox through Plenty of Freaks… I hid the profile again. I think I’ve had my fill of freaks for the time being.

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Published in: on January 26, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (12)  
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12 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I think you may be a bit hasty in dismissing cycling guy – just because he says he doesn’t jump on match all the time. I don’t think that is saying “not interested in a relationship.” We all get burned out from constantly checking match all the time.

    Just keep repeating to yourself – online dating is a numbers game. Over and over. Keep on digging and congratulations on getting back out there!

    • You are probably right– I’m being hasty. I guess I’m feeling kinda cynical at the moment. Lol

  2. You just left me rolling! Reminded me of years ago, my daughter and my niece made a little spoof video for YouTube, back when they loved Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears… now you gotta know that my Blondie was still a preteen in these days, but if this doesn’t make you laugh, nothing will! http://youtu.be/aR-6xiw4sI4

    • You are O-U-T… Lol. Loved the look on the one girl’s face at the end of the clip.. Hahahaha.. Ya, I’m all full of pre-teen attitude right now. Ha!

      • The one with the laptop was my daughter, and the other was my niece… I thought it was quite clever for their age… Poor Billy Bob, he just doesn’t stand a chance with these girls! 🙂

  3. Your comment about two people together against the world really resonates with me. its been a long time since I’ve thought about that. Id love to learn more about you. I dont get on here all the time, so you’re welcome to call or text me if you like. (530)521-8959

    Oh I thought his message was actually quite nice and the sort I would send ($#@! now I wonder what men think of mine hahah) cos I sometimes see someone I think ‘wow they’re awesome’, but if I know I won’t be on the website again in ages I really wanna let them know I’m keen ..

    Never given out my phone number in message 1 tho, that is kinda random / brave .. maybe he has a date phone!??

    • I’m now thinking my reaction proly has much more to do with where I’m at, than it does with his message. I have to admit, tho, after the debacle with The Ambassador– I don’t want to be the one punchin’ in the guys digits for the first phone call.

  4. Mr. Correctional Officer sounds like a scammer to me. Typically their grammar is atrocious and after first contact they profess to love you forever. In my area they are all from “Alton, Illinois” not sure why, but they are so stupid it’s on every profile. They steal someone’s picture who has black hair and brown eyes, and their profile says they have blond hair and blue eyes. Sometimes when I’m in a mood, I like to screw around with them and get their hopes up and then they ask for money. That’s when I blow the whistle on them.

    We should trade Match.com war stories sometime, lol

    • Maybe scammer, maybe MORON… Lol. No way to tell.

  5. I worry about pics with no smiles with teeth showing. Generally means bad and/or NO teeth.

    • OMG, I never even thought about the teeth!

  6. Just out of curiosity, I checked out POF and have come to the conclusion that it matters not where you are or what you are looking for, the crazies are out in droves… but the more bothersome part of it all is how unimaginative some profiles are. And what is with the all caps?? Quit yelling at me.
    Now that I think of it, I’ll browse the “men seeking women”… I feel a review coming on.


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