Are You Strong Enough?

So, I woke up this morning with that split second of peace before you remember what happened the night before. Ya know, that moment before the realization hits, and swearing ensues.

You see, last night was the end for The Ambassador and me.

I had already been over the top frustrated and given him his last hail mary. I thought he wouldn’t do anything with it, but hey, I was wrong. He finally got off the ever lovin’ fence and made a decision. He bailed.

He texted me before I got off work…

Ambassador: Sorry I’m being distant. I’ve been having a lot of thoughts this weekend. I’m not being fair to you, not taking the time to tend to your feelings, and I’m sorry.

I was still pissed and I didn’t respond to him for several hours. I’m angry that we have every opportunity in the world in front of us… We have this interaction where we can do something, or do nothing and have a great time. We laugh our asses off together, and can talk for 6 hours straight without batting an eye. We’ve managed to even get through 2 1/2 months (since we’ve been talking again) “going slow” with NO SEX. Hell, we even live in the same town, and he’s just fucking it up. It’s like he’s doing it on purpose.

I may be an emotional girl, but I am very self aware. I know what I want and what I need to be happy. It’s not that tough. I’m pretty simple and low maintenance. I just want to know I’m wanted.

I’m convinced it’s not all that much to ask for… unless you are asking someone who’s– to use Danny’s (see blog roll) words “emotionally diabled”. Danny also called him an “emotional tampon”– I just like that cuz it sounds gross and I’m still mad.

He doesn’t see how rare and precious this is, or value me, and that pisses me off. Plus, I (the girl who’s all about words) don’t know what to say to him, and I HATE that feeling.

I finally did reply and we were off to the races —

Cadence: Are you? Cuz you just keep shutting me out.

Ambassador: Yes, I’m sorry, because I’m afraid to lose our friendship if I let you in. I don’t think we will have the relationship you want. And I am wasting your time in this area. I know you aren’t stupid and you can see this. I’m not pushing this relationship because I have what I want from it. Some one to talk and dream with, to share times. I know this is not what you want to hear, but it isn’t the easiest to explain. So yes I’m sorry.

Now that I read it over… I could have taken this a number of different ways, but last night it hit me like a slap in the face.

Cadence: Well, thanks for toying with me for such a long fucking time and wow — you have SO little respect for me that you didn’t even say that to my face. I’m so incredibly angry with you right now. The gate will be unlocked tomorrow, if you could please pick up your bbq while I am at work.

(on a side note: I think I earned some personal growth points here… I got hella mad! I actually let him know I was mad, and I did it without being viscious. ya me.)

Ambassador: Thank you.

Cadence: Don’t thank me. What you did was so cowardly.

Ambassador: I knew it would come down to the bbq. It always does.

Cadence: Whatever that means. Stop trying to be funny. Just leave me alone for a while– I’m angry & hurt. Just let me be.

I texted the info to some friends, and thought over some really MEAN words swirling around in my head but I did NOT say them. That’s not me.

A glass of wine, a few random tears, and a hefty dose of Prime Time TV then I crawled in to bed.

When I woke up, and the realization set in.. My heart sank, but I am not one to wallow– I opened Plenty of Fish to poke around………… And low and behold… what do I see??? Not only has The Ambassador been online today, but he has revamped his ENTIRE profile– to include new pictures. I just rolled my eyes. He redid his entire profile BEFORE 5am!

Lately things always seem to look different in the light of day… I now see that could have been an attempt at talking things out, breaking the silence, letting me know what’s been on his mind but all I saw was “friendship” and “I don’t think we’ll have the kind of relationship you want” and “I’m wasting your time.” It’s very possible that I disregarded all the rest of it.

See– that’s why a person should NOT do this sort of thing via text message. NOT TO MENTION, The Ambassador lives SO close to my house, I can pretty much see his place from my front window. Text message? Really? Who does that?

Even still, these are not the answers my heart needs. I needed to know that I was what he wanted.. where he wanted to be.

For more info on this ultra female phenominon, check out 2. on Pensive’s blog post

Ahhhh, whatever… emotionally bankrupt, defunct, and out of order!

Guess I’m still a little mad. I think this guy has no tolerance for intimacy, and if he can’t even find the courage to walk around the corner and talk to me, then maybe he’s not strong enough to be my man.

(a note to my readers and friends… time to ratchet the blog back down to 3 days a week)

Published in: on January 23, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (11)  
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11 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I’m sorry, Cadence, that you invested so much in this guy and he let you down. It seems like there’s a HUGE lesson here. If a man doesn’t want to get in your pants right away, then red flag! Warning sign! I know it hurts, but sometime in the not-so-distant future you will be thanking your lucky stars that you dodged this bullet. He’s not worthy.

    • Oddly enough… It didn’t feel as bad as I would have expected. I’m working through it & gettin’ my mind straight, but thanks for the support, Pensive. šŸ™‚

  2. Boy, I hear you, especially the texting breakup! I wrote a blog about it not too long ago, maybe you will get a chuckle out of it. Here is the link:

  3. He did it by text because he didn’t want to see the hurt in your eyes and probly because inside he knew it was a shitty thing he’d done to you so took the ‘easy’ way out. The coward’s way out..

    Fuck. I’m so sorry hon, if I was nearby I would bring champagne, junk food .. And 500 rolls of toilet paper and we’d make sure that asswipe needed 1000 friends to clear his $#@! yard before daybreak.

    • Yes, I’m sure he didn’t want to see my reaction.. Plus, he’s dated some crazy bitches that vomited wickedness and verbal abuse all over him in the past. I understand it was easier in a way… Still, no excuse.

      & Champagne, junk food and 500 rolls of Tp sounds like a dream! Lol. Plus, it’s all wet & snowy hear right now. His place would be a giant spit ball! Haaa!

  4. Ok, the fact that he lives so close is… inexcusable, but I have to agree with LITFL – witnessing the hurt was probably the biggest reason for him doing so. (Did I mention that we are sometimes “Pathetic” in addition to “Simple”?)
    What I find irritating – from a guy’s perspective – is the profile update so quickly after the fact. Damn, guy… one, give yourself some effing time and space to reflect/regroup on your whole take on the dating thing… and two, DUMB-ASS… ya might want to ditch the profile visible to the recently pissed off so your level of cluelessness isn’t that friggin’ visible. I swear.
    Three blogs a week? Boo.

    • Well, I happen to think every person has a pathetic moment at one time or another…. And my girlfriend said it looked like he proly put that profile back up that fast cuz he -knew- I’d see it. She knows us pretty well. I think she’s right. I kinda blasted him & he -would- do that.

  5. I believe, 100% that you did the right thing here. The part about getting “hella” mad (I love that you use that word. I thought it was just a Bay Area thing) and giving him a piece of your mind was such a Right-On moment for me! You had a million justifiable reasons to be angry, and he shouldn’t get away without hearing them. Good for you!

    Now…off to find someone that you want that wants you back just as badly. I have good feelings about 2012 for you!

    • Oh, he was not going to get away without the piece of my mind. I’ve been “that girl” before… Act like you never get mad. That is def nooo bueno. It’s swallowing poison -holding that kinda thing in.

  6. Well, well, well. Do you feel the last 2 1/2 months of your life were wasted or did you have some personal growth during that time?

    • They were certainly -not- wasted. I spent time getting to know someone who is a phenominal person. Maybe he wasn’t meant to carry that romantic partner role but he still has a good heart and I’m glad to know him…

      & YES tons of learning and personal growth. I learned to be patient, to communicar better, get over some of my own insecurities. Certainly NOT a waste. šŸ™‚

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