Are You IN or Are You OUT?

ANDDDD the hot and cold act continues. Once again I had a day where The Ambassador’s words were sinking in. Last night, AGAIN, he said to me… “I go back and forth on you.”

I swear to God, if I hear that one more fucking time, I’m going to blow a gasket. Do you know how that kind of thing makes a woman feel? How about “not good enough” for starters.

I’m pissed off, once again, hurt, and sorely disappointed. I am a gorgeous, successful, passionate woman.

I’m flexible and caring when with a partner. How can I be right in front of his face and he doesn’t even see it? OR doesn’t appreciate it.

I stayed away all day. He texted me but I “one word”ed him until at one point he said someone called him at work, and he thought it might have been The Sneaky Bitch, but it wasn’t. “How do you know?” I asked. He replied “I asked her.”

Great. He’s still talking to her… after everything she did. She hacked in to all his email. (BTW, men put up with this trash WAY too often. I’d NEVER let that fly. I’d go ballistic.) She even threatened to start trouble for him at work. —This was all after he broke it off with her because, from the sounds of it, she was trying to manipulate him in to getting her pregnant! (I realllly want to have another baby. Of course, I’m on the pill. Oh you don’t have to use that condom, babe… yaaa right.)

Ah well, it’s his life.

Anyway, back to my frustrations…

After ALL this time… after 8 months we have known each other… two months since we started talking again– some days it still feels like he’s got only one foot IN the door. I meant that the way it sounded too. One foot barely in the door. NOT one foot out the door, because that would mean most of him was IN. NOPE.

I’m not sure why or what’s on his mind, and I shouldn’t have to wonder. There should be NO QUESTION in my mind as to whether or not he cares about me.. or whether or not he’s in to me.

Today I had a drink in the middle of the day. It calmed me some. Nothing like feeling drunk at 3 in the afternoon. lol.

I don’t feel like talking to him. I feel like I’ve talked this thing to death. Don’t want to talk to my friends about it, because they have heard all this bullshit already. What more is there to say?

I don’t want to turn on the god damn stereo he gave me. I don’t want to see him or have anything to do with him.

Maybe it’s not a communication issue… maybe it’s a matter of energy. As Danny put it to me “the energy is off”… aint that the truth?! I don’t know if he’s not sharing, or it’s just not there.

At this point, for whatever reason, he’s just not all in. I can feel that. I’m starting to think that will never change… and/ or I just don’t want to wait around anymore. I’m tired of feeling not good enough. I’m tired of not being adored, lusted after, and chased. My head hurts. I’m tired of crying.

Looking at photos of The Young Firefighter on Facebook today. He’s madly in love. He’s engaged actually, to a girl who’s very pretty, kinda big and a raging bitch.

I’ll tell you… I met him when he was like 20 years old. I remember many times thinking about all he didn’t know (he’s 11 yrs younger than me)… but he KNOWS how to love. He knows how to open his heart and let someone in. He’s a risk taker, maybe that’s why. He’s not scared to put himself out there.

I’m happy for him…. He looks like he’s in total bliss, but I SO want that kind of love. It’s palpable. You can see it in their eyes just looking at a photo. You can feel it just being in the same room.

Then I remember it was no picnic for him either. He was staying at my house for a while. He had to come back to town to take care of some legal matters… and we talked extensively about her. She was the same way… holding off, keeping him at arms length, not letting him in. (Although she was brutal and verbally abusive about it… I didn’t call her a raging bitch for no reason)

I guess she finally surrendered, so apparently it can happen. I guess?? Idk… my heart feels achy. Maybe he does not have the ability to surrender.

I remember feeling like this with my ex-husband. All my feminine wiles did not work. It didn’t matter what I did… at the end, he was never emotionally present. Not emotionally invested at all.

Seriously, at this point he should well know. The Reluctant Monogamist and I discussed this– and she’s right. It has been ENOUGH time for him to swallow that fear or resolve whatever is getting in the way and move forward— or just stop fucking TOYING with me. This is no game of cat and mouse. My patience has run the hell out. Do you want me or not? Are you in or are you out?

With all the talking about this bullshit, I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. Even still, I realize I need to communicate some way, at some point.

I think I’m just going to fold up in to my own life, atleast for today. Keep this to myself for now… Try not to obsess. I need distraction. Maybe I’ll drink some more rum and paint my bathroom.

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Published in: on January 18, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (7)  
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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I think you might be getting close to your make-or-break moment. I usually give these dudes 2 months tops. You’ve given him 8. If he can’t see by now how lucky he is to have a chance with you, well I can’t really put into words how big of an idiot he really is.

    • I think we are getting close to the make or break moment. 8 months yes, but there was a 3 month pause. I’m also frustrated that he can’t see wats right on front of him.

  2. *holds you*

    • ur a great supporter.. šŸ™‚ many many thanks, dear

  3. …not worth…eh, you already know my feelings on the subject.

    I will add that my gay-day is going off like crazy from here.

    • That should say, ‘gay-dar’

      • ahh good to see you, Blaze. Thnx for the info but I grew up with a guy bestie who is gay. My gay-dar is hella tuned in & not setting off any alarms. I’m sure we’re straight land. Lol


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