Hope Resurrected

The day after my day of rage, and girl time with The Sultry School Teacher. I’m a little calmer now. I call up Mr. X, who seems more open to understanding why I am not yet ready to throw in the towel with The Ambassador, and talk him out of his head.

He was so good to work through all this with me. I try to -both sides- of every situation. Whatever is happening, there are two people there and I am no innocent party. I strive to see what my part is in it all. The value in this is that I can change ME. I have control of me. So, if I can see what I’m doing wrong… I can fix it.

I finally figured out that I needed to talk to The Ambassador. He’s a good man and certainly worth hanging on to… but have to get this communication thing figured out or it’ll wreck it.

Usually, I’m a runner. Things get tough or scary and I’m not happy… I’ll run. When The X and I were together, I did it on a regular basis. He just happens to be much more persistant than most so he could keep reeling me back in, until we both finally saw the writing on the wall. (Great friends, terrible match as lovers).

I want to change that. How will I ever have a relationship that lasts for any length of time, if I keep running. The key to NOT running away? It’s not being afraid to communicate.

Communication is hard for me. It’s brutal. I’ve been through so much, and so many situations where the other person has reacted negatively, even hurt and scarred me with his words that– I admit it, I’m scared.

Often times, I don’t want to talk about it because I’m paralyzed by fear of what he might say or do. I realized that a lack of communication is what I was so angry with The Ambassador over, when, hell, I’m no expert. I became certain that I wasn’t clear when I talked to him a few days ago.

Herein lies the personal growth that I knew I needed so much… What was being told to me in prayer and by tarot. I felt like “I get it now. I get it!”

The X helped me put some words and a non-confrontational approach together, and encourage me to do it NOW. Talk to him NOW… as soon as possible, before something happens and you two are pulled apart.

Not only would that be bad because the romance would be ruined, but also, I wouldn’t have the chance to experience the personal growth that will come with communicating my feelings to him. I hated that thought and The X made a very good point in saying “if you don’t go through this now… and experience that growth, learn what you need to– then chances are you are going to have to learn it in another relationship anyway.” And he is SO right. I’m sure if I don’t tackle this hurdle, it’ll just keep coming back around and being a problem. So… hold on tight, here we gooooooo!

I immediately texted The Sultry School Teacher and asked her to watch the kids for a couple hours. Then I messaged The Ambassador — after a few pleasantries I said “I have a few things on my mind.

Can you make time for me please?”

He was very good about it and replied promptly. He was to come by my place.

As soon as I opened the door and saw his face, felt his energy… everything felt ok. Better than ok, it felt amazing.

He was just off work and stood there smiling and eyes shining in his dress pants and white collared shirt. I let him in, hugged him and proceeded to get him fed. We chatted as I pulled some left overs out of the fridge and reheated them.

Oddly enough, he was talking about hirings at work. He was talking about his boss having hired a bunch of re-treads that have worked there before. He is generally not a fan of this practice, however… his feelings on that are changing and he said “I believe in change. I do. I believe in it. I have to… look how far I’ve come.”

That spoke right to my soul. He’s so open and willing… unlike all the men I have known. From there we moved on and he asked why my day was so bad yesterday.

“I was SO mad at you yesterday” I said, “I was SOOOOO mad. See, it felt great hanging out the night before but once I got up and started my day the next morning.. I realized I had come to you for reassurance and I got ‘I think you’re more excited about this than I am.”

He makes kind of shocked face… “Oh my God I ruined your day.” We laughed together and I told him it was like the time at work when he’d gone to his boss for reassurance and the guy just basicly said “man up!”

I went on to tell him that he is good at showing… I can see him investing in this, but I need to hear it too. I’m all about the words. I may need it more than most people, but I know myself well. I need the show and the tell, and I mean all the time.

When you said that I felt like “what… have you got -nothing- going on in there? I mean, we’ve known each other for 7 months now. I’d like to say we are atleast close friends by now, and you’ve got nothin’?”

“Oh no, I’ve got emotions” he replied. “I talk about you all the time. I knew you were mad. I talked to Ginny about you all day at work today. I go back and forth… Is she the one? When I found my book and my ipod in the mailbox, I though ‘uuuhhh ohhh’ and I just crawled in to bed and pulled the blankets over my head. See that’s what I’ll do. I’m used to losing people. I’ll just crawl in to bed and get in to a space where I tell myself ‘You deserve this. You deserve this. ‘

And I thought about my barbeque. I thought about just telling you to keep it. You were sending me a message when you left those things in my mailbox. If you would have returned my barbeque (I mentioned The Schoolteacher offered to help me drop it off with her van. I said NO.) I’d have just thought you didn’t want to talk to me anymore.”

We laughed all along the way… This was by far THE best experience I have ever had communicating with a partner. He was SO open and receptive. He was so willingly to hear me out and share also what he needed so we could get to a place where I wasn’t uncomfortable and HE wasn’t uncomfortable either.

My feelings completely flip flopped. The day before I was probably 80/20… thinking it most likely would NOT work out… He completely turned that around, and I started thinking that even more important than communication running smoothly was having such a receptive caring partner. Sharing your feelings is going to be necessary at some point in any relationship. It’s going to be scary and the only way to grow through it is to breach the subject… Go at it, and with such a willing soul on the other end, eventually it won’t be so terrifying anymore.

I was scared of how he might react and what he might say… He was scared too. He has dated some scary emotional women. They would certainly manipulate him.. shut him up by being vicisous to him. Before long he learns to just keep quiet. I have had the same kind of experiences with former partners. It sure as hell can make a person gun shy.

What it comes down to is… I’m learning him and vice versa. I’ve learned that the initial conversation on relationship topics can feel threatening to him, so he gets defensive. The second time around has proven to be recieved much better.

Also, I’ve got to be careful not to take the pull back so personally. It’s like every thing he does in life.. Full blast, pull back. I’m also learning it’s ok to go over there and pull him out of his hiding place. That feels somewhat like chasing to me (and I hate that feeling), but I can reframe that. If I look at all my relationships in life, they are all that way. Sometimes I reach out more, sometimes the other person does more of the reaching out. I’ve got to stop keeping score, and feeling like it means he doesn’t want me around.

For him… I’ve got to climb out of my safe place more often too. He knows what we are like at home. He needs to know how we are out there, in the world. Not easy, but I can do it and he’s certainly worth the effort.

Published in: on January 12, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..

  2. Sorry. I’m not convinced. I can’t imagine having to constantly “pull” someone out of themselves to make them participate in a relationship with me. Both have to give.

    • Yes true.. If I end up having to pull him out more than once in a blue moon- it’ll never work but once in a while.. Even I need a friend to pull me to my feet once in a while.

      • I think we all worry that it seems to be more than once in a blue moon, and this is the fledgling relationship stage – when it’s all meant to be quite lovely .. not this .. hard..

        Of course, we only get excerpts of the goings on which may not help his cause lol ..

        At the end of the day tho, hon – you’re the one living it, if it feels worthy of you keeping on with it – do it 🙂

  3. Yes, I agree things could be lovely… Ughhh, how I want the loveliness. I think now I’m at wait and see with The Ambassador.

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