God Damn You, Communication! or lack there of…

I had a horrible wicked day yesterday.

I could feel The Ambassador of Ambiguity pulling back after two weeks of constant contact, and even a dinner party. I don’t know if he realized it but dinner parties are couples town. You don’t host a dinner party together unless you’re… together. It’s a time when you meet each other’s friends. You cook in the other’s kitchen, and everyone sees you together. This last part, for girls anyway, invariably results in mountains of BFF feedback.

Like everything in his life, he goes full blast… then backs off. I understand that, yet, I also know that we are in a precarious position right now, so his pull back bothered me to say the least.
So, I go over to his place and stumble through a few painfully shortened sentences from my speech. We get to talking and this are fantastic as they always are in person.

The next day, once I woke up, had my coffee and started with my day…. I realized that I had gone to him asking for reassurance and what did I get? “I think you’re more excited about this than I am.”

Then I was pissed. I mean, I was totally enraged (in case you couldn’t tell from yesterday’s blog post). That was my perception anyway, although The Sultry School Teacher quickly corrected me saying it was hurt and disappointment really. This sent me straight in to tears and I told her it’s just easier to be mad.

I was angry, not only because he had NOT been reassuring at all… but also because I even had to ASK what he was feeling. I was pissed that he wasn’t just offering up his thoughts and feelings. I was pissed because I am feeling like I am having to pry things out of him (did this for years in my previous marriage so I am overly sensitive to it). I was mad that even after atleast being friends for 7 months I’m left wondering and guessing. Is he feeling anything or is he just all dead inside? jeez!

I stewed about it all day. I got input from friends. I am someone who will undoubtedly go my own way, but you never know when just one line from a friend might give me a new perspective.

I was trying like hell to find a reason to hang on when nearly everyone I care about was telling me to run. I stewed and stewed and got more pissed off when I didn’t hear from him all day. I felt like he hadn’t heard a fucking word I said.

He and I were supposed to go on an adventure. I thought we’d go climb this amazing tree I saw the other day. It’s an old oak in the middle of a field. Nothing around, just the tree it’s self. I told him I was off at 3 and we should go but when I hadn’t heard from him and I was so incredibly angry… I wrote it off. I made plans to eat ice cream, drink wine and watch “Friends with Benefits.”

“Why did I pick that movie?”, you might ask… Well, not only are Rom Coms my absolute favorite genre, and relationships my favorite topic in life (not counting sex) but who the hell knows… maybe I’d get one of those “ah-ha” moments from it. You may say it’s only a movie, but the truth is— screenplays are written by people, and people draw from experience… so in my mind, it started in reality at some point, and obviously went to fantasy from there. (Duhhh, I mean who organizes a flash mob for a girl in real life? no one.)

I went home from work, puttered around my house…. staring at his monterous barbeque that was still on my back porch from the party, the book he lent me, his ipod and the gigantic speakers and stereo he’d given me…. thinking if things crash now he’ll have to like come over and load up his truck. Fuck! That would be SOOO uncomfortable.

I did go by his place. I just couldn’t bring myself to call one more time and have him not answer. So, I picked up his book and ipod (the only two items left at my house that I could carry on my own) and headed over there. Not knowing what I was going to say, only that I would not be going anywhere with him and certainly not climbing any trees.

Even though his truck was there, his place was all dark. I knocked on his door, with no answer… So, I popped the ipod inside the book, then put the book in the mailbox and left.

I headed next door and talked The Sultry School Teacher’s ears off. She was wonderful and incredible… She assured me that I was not being a needy black hole and what I wanted was not unreasonable. I have to say The Sultry School Teacher is probably my most logical level headed friend, even over my guy Besties. She listened and also suggested I might not have been clear when we talked the night before.

She also said that it might not seem like it, but I am amazing because I know what I need. So many women don’t know what they need. They only know what feels right and what doesn’t. Even further, they rarely have the vocabulary to verbalize these things when they do recognize them. (Guys, that HAS to be maddening! Such is one of the reasons I have switched over and started batting for the other team! Women can be crazy emotional messes).

“You on the other hand, have pretty much given him the instruction manual” she said… and I felt a little better.

We watched the movie– which was frickin’ fantastic, by the way. Although, at the climax of the story my anger at the entire male species flared up. The School Teacher and I aren’t men bashers by any means, but if looks could kill— any one with testicles was smart to stay the hell away that day. Why is it SO fucking difficult to tell someone how you feel? Why is it so terrifying to men?

Despite Captain Amazing and The X’s advice, I was not yet ready to throw in the towel. I prayed… I even read my tarot and I keep getting the sense that there is something more here I needed to learn. There is some really important personal growth that needs to happen here, and I need to move forward even if it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

Eventually, The Ambassador did text me “Hey Girly, how was your day?” I just replied “Bad. Bad Day.” And that was it for the day.

I had a glass of rum… finished the movie and headed home. Still, not sure what I was going to do about this.

Published in: on January 11, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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9 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I still say there’s more to this journey… don’t jump ship just yet… it may not work out in the end, but there’s something more to find here… of course my hopeless romantic side has fingers crossed that he wakes up and smells the coffee before he spills it in his lap! 🙂

    • I have to disagree. You have given him more than enough time to decide what he wants.

      • I am inclined to go with this sentiment too. At some point, he’s gonna realise he can be a complete cocktard to you, and you will take it. That is when things are really gonna get bad ..

        I’m sorry this is so bad hon, look fwd to the update where you tell us you forgave all and he’s married you OR bought you a new Porsche to make up for being aforementioned cocktard..

    • Or before some pissed off girl (thats me) dumps it in his lap.

  2. I’ll just be reading from here on out. Lol.

  3. I have the solution… print out this blog… http://kennyspuathoughts.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/taking-it-slow-with-womena-deadly-mistake/ and stick it in his mailbox! LMAO… I read this one and thought of you, and your dilemma, but hey, at least it may be an insight into why he is moving at the rampant pace of a snail!

    • LOVED this post. I simply replied that my girlfriends will be here any minute to drink wine & shame the fuck out of some poor schlub! (obviously por schlub=The Ambassador of Ambiguity). & the best thing is.. It’s totally true. Thanks for the link!

      • If you were my real life friend, I’d put it up his ass for you… that way we could be sure he received the message! Have you considered a witch doctor? Love Potion #9?

      • Ha! I greatly appreciate the offer for anal insertion on my behalf.. As for love potion #9… Forget that. I will fall in love with a man who adores & values me on his own accord & never lets me wonder how he feels about me.

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