Gimme The Goods

I have to send out a note to my readers. This involvement with The Ambassador of Ambiguity has been quite an inner struggle for me. The thing is, even with so many around me (friends and readers) thinking he is a lost cause and he’s just not that into me… I keep hanging on. Don’t think your comments don’t affect me. They do. I pay attention, but I have always been the type to go my own way.

I’m sure you all think I’m a fool for love, or just a fool, which is true some ways. Still, I ask you to please consider that you are only getting piece by piece information. You’re only recieving those items that have been sifted through the strainer and remain to nibble at my brain.

I realize I may have neglected to include all kinds of good stuff that has tumbled out of his mouth along the way… Here are just a few…
I talk about you all the time.
I talked to Ginny about you all day.
(On me being what he calls “mature”) …it’s crazy attractive.
You’re so fucking hot.
You’re all tits and ass today.
You look amazing.
I’m tired of people being seasons in my life.
I want to build a history together.
I want to hold you and talk to you.
If we wait, it’ll mean more. It’ll be more than just sex.
You are in a whole different category than any of the women I’ve ever dated. That’s why I am so adamant about this going slow thing. I badly don’t want to mess this up.
I want to grow together.
I want to get to the point where I can say “I can’t be without her.”
I want more than that. I want the whole thing… the whole life, the house, the family.

Although this going slow stuff… this going painfully, gut wrenchingly slow is brutal at times, I want to be different from all the rest. I want to be “kissed by a man who means it” (Thanks, T), and I have told The Ambassador before… If I’m not “the whole package” for you, then be on your way. Maybe he needs time to get there, or maybe he never will… For now, I’m going to hang in there, and let him lead the dance… after all, the dances I’ve been doing over the last several years haven’t worked out so well, so why not try this?

The Sultry School Teacher has been the most clear minded friend to me. Because she’s a woman, she is not restrained by an inborn need to protect me. She’s also the one who has spent absolutely the most time around The Ambassador and I together. She tells me it was never a question in her mind whether or not The Ambassador of Ambiguity cared. Seeing us together, feeling that, she knows we have something incredible… It’s just ironing out the kinks that’s hard.

I try not to get too holy roller on this blog, but the fact is, I am a spiritual woman. Sure, I am quite an unconventional christian with my tarot cards, and beliefs of past lives, etc… but I do believe.
I know God is with me on this journey. I know he sent The Ambassador in to my life for a reason. It may be that there are things that we need to learn from each other. It may be that he is the partner I have been praying for– and while he’s processing and molding during his own personal growth, I am learning to be patient, have faith and realize that not every action or reaction is directly about me. Only time will tell.

This morning he posted a link to the movie “Courageous” on his Facebook with an in depth remark culminating in “If ever given the opportunity, I will!” He’s been talking about marriage lately. Asking me what I think about with regard to that. Tears filled my eyes as I watched the trailer, and I thanked God for sending a man like that into my life. For a moment, I thought “maybe he is the one.” Just like on so many other days when I thought for a moment that maybe I should run.

I pray. I pray all the time, and I know I’m not finished here yet. There’s more I need to experience with him, and he’s too good to let go without a fight. Somethings are worth fighting for, and waiting for… (of course my fight is a slightly crazed internal struggle. lol)

Keep in mind that even though we talk about sex and dates and my naughty lace and high heel clad morning routines– My path is just as I titled this blog. I’m not looking to get laid. I’m not looking for some kind of affair, or out there like a teenage girl trying to find a boyfriend… I am searching for a soul mate.

That means learning to open my heart again after having the shit kicked out of me by love. It means re-learning all the bad habits we (The Ambassador & I) have developed in previous relationships. It means tearing down the walls that years of child abuse, addiction, toxic people and later troubled romantic relationships have built, and sharing our lives with one another… forging a true and intimate emotional connection.

I want something that is going to last. I want to look at my past relationships and do things differently this time around. Through all this, not only am I mission bound, but I am experiencing miles and miles of personal growth along the way.

So, stay with me readers. I know my growing pains can be frustrating and irritating, but it’s deep stuff. It’s raw and it’s real. We are complicated humans with fears, and scars, and lessons learned (good and bad) from every experience we’ve had.

Some of you may still be thinking I’m a fool… He’s just not that into me and I need to move on. You may be right, but I’ll know when it’s time to go. I may look back on this experience in the future and realize that I chased him when he was never fully on board, but I am willing to take that chance. I am going to walk the path God is showing me, and at some point I know I’ll find what I need.

Published in: on January 2, 2012 at 12:10 pm  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Ya ya.. Open that heart. 🙂 We all get kicked in the heart from time to time, some of us more than others, but I think that only makes the heart stronger and prepares you so you can meet that kickass person one day, when finally your heart is strong enough.

    Keep the faith. You’ll find the one. But don’t forget to enjoy the process of finding him.

    God Bless and Cheers.

    • Thanks for the feedback. I’m keepin’ the faith!

  2. Hmmmmm….I might have to send an email. My curandero is pinging here after trying to catch up with you and dude.

    Now I think I get why you liked Deti’s most recent post so much.

  3. Good post. Even though I’m not a religious fanatic, I understand from where you are coming and agree on most parts.

    • Nice… nice comment Blaze.. Thank you!

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