Now What the Hell is Going On?

It seems to never end with this guy… Of course, I may be letting my nervousness and total lack of patience get the best of me, but still.

I was supposed to hang out with The Ambassador last week but he bailed. I figured– no big deal.. it happens. We both work super long shifts and I don’t know what is going on with him right now but something is definitely on his mind.

Then, we are chatting on the phone and he starts telling me about some girl he saw while he was shopping for shoes. He said he normally would have flirted his ass off with her but right now he just doesn’t care. He’s just yakking away completely oblivious… It probably never occured to him that I was uncomfortable hearing about this girl he talked to.

So, I’m like “ok, that was a really wierd line of conversation for me.”

“Really? Why?” he asked.

I probably talked at about warp speed right then because I don’t even remember all the things I said. I was still being sweet and giggly, but I certainly remember saying “Well, we had that talk and what am I, invisible?”

He replies “No, you’re not invisible. Are you not dating anyone else?”

I was exasperated at this point “NO, I’m not dating anyone else! I have this mad crush and I’m hoping something is going to happen there!”

“Ahh, am I your mad crush?” I could HEAR him smiling. Ooooh, what a smart ass.

I just shook my head. After we got off the phone I slowly realized more and more that I was totally unhappy with that conversation. I am starting to feel like I am chasing after him and we all know how I feel about that!

With my rebellious nature, I’ll just saunter off in the oposite direction while offering a solo finger salute. I HATE that feeling. I am not wired to hunt, but instead to be the hunted. Plus, WHY am I feeling this way? Apparently, I thought, he’s just not that in to me.

So fine.. I pull back some and try to get my head right with it. He comes by with his buddy on a week or so ago and notices my frosty exterior but not before he’s given his buddy the complete tour of my house. He bragged and squawked about all my handy work on the house. Whatever dude.

When it was time to be on his way, he had to -ask me- to walk him to the door. That never happens. I’m super spunky and friendly, especially when people are in my home. I’m also a hugger. I hug almost everyone, or atleast shake hands. I’m tactile like that, and lately I’ve been lavishly lingering in The Ambassador’s arms… but that day I didn’t even lean in to get a hug until he asked.

I shrugged off the visit and after a couple days my head felt right. He’s a remarkable person and he is my friend.

I hadn’t heard from him so I shot him an email. “Whatcha doin’?”

He replied “Just wondering if you still like me. I haven’t heard from you and I remember our last conversation. It wasn’t the best.”

I pretty much shined him on saying “oh stop. I’ll always like you” and told him I’d been kicking it at the hospital with a sick girlfriend for a couple days hassling the lazy ass nursing staff.

I didn’t feel like getting into it and explaining everything. I’ve done enough of that with him. Plus, what would be the point? It would just get me all hopeful thinking that he gave a crap.

Then he tried to call. I couldn’t pick up since I was at work.

Eventually, when we realized our schedules were condusive he said “Well, we should make some time together. I would really like that.”

The fuck?? That sounded kind of intimate. It wasn’t his usual “let’s hang out”. Listen here Mr. Ambassador, you must have fallen and bumped your head. Are we back there again? Even after all the uncomfortable and very straight forward talking and repeated absense of any action on your part?

I agreed to see him. I tell myself I’m probably reading too much into it. I’m going to see him Tuesday night.

Then, I put up a FB status that says “Feels good to get my mind workin’, emotions humming, and creative juices flowing!” and he comments “Yeah. Now let’s go build a fire! Woooo hooooo!”

Now I know it’s not just me. One of my guy friends commented “Game on!” and a girlfriend replied “Love it!” and they both called me to get the scoop. As usual, I have no juicy details to report.

I have to admit though.. I thought about my online profile. The Ambassador and I met on Plenty of Freaks and my profile headline or whatever said “Love is friendship on fire!”

Next I ask him what he’s up to and he emails me back “Just wasting the night. No coffee all day (he’s a huge coffee addict), music vibrating the room, warm blanket, thinking about Tuesday….”

I’m telling the guy friend (same dude mentioned in the above paragraph) about it and he swears there is no-other-possible-way to interpret that. He is convinced Tuesday night is THE night… and then he taunted me and said things like you guys are gonna “get it on”. He’s gonna “jump your bones”. Do the “horizontal mambo”. He’s gonna be “the mack daddy” and any number of embarrassing (for him, not me) ridiculous old school phrases.

I laughed and got off the phone. That was last night. Tonight is tuesday and I am still not convinced. He’s been quiet for the last few days. Ya know, he could be thinking about Tuesday and planning on how he’s going to let me down easy. Which would still be fine with me– atleast I’d know where I stand. I wouldn’t be in limbo anymore. Fuck limbo, dude, it sucks.

I can’t even enjoy the attention because I’m terrified to get my hopes up. It’s just ridiculous. I have no idea what he’s thinking, but I know what I’m thinking. As terrific as he is.. if tonight goes by with no moves… He’s OFF the fucking potentials list.

If I just go over and come home UNkissed again, then I am DONE. I’ll kick it with him as a friend maybe but he’ll have ruined his chances of romance with me. I would be as convinced as a snake handlin’ pentacostal that he will never do anything but jerk me around– and off to match I’ll go.

Did I mention that when I was gettin my head straight coming to terms with “he’s just not that into me”– I reactivated my profile? Yep… and one of the guys that messaged me made me “WOW”

Published in: on January 1, 2012 at 9:00 am  Comments (3)  
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3 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. WOW.

    just wow. Lol. I don’t know where to begin.

    • Ya, the push pull is driving me a little batty.

  2. So it continues…

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