Cadence Defrosted

I’m not sure if I let you readers know but I recently stopped taking my anti-depressant. I had started up needing a kick in the pants and found that it also managed to keep me sane during my grueling miserable training (courtesy of The Heinous Bitch).

Over the last year I have been struggling to keep my weight at a level that doesn’t drive me to self-destruction every time I pass a mirror. I have been trying (an exercise in complete futility) to shed an unwanted 10 lbs.

While spending time with my family about a week and a half ago, I realized the Pritiq was at fault for this weight issue. I had also noticed a difference in myself around my family. I generally come alive around them. I’m more funny, witty, and playful– caused by being surrounded by roomfulls of people who know all my secrets and think I’m fabulous. (These traits are not brought on by excessive drinking and other forms of debauchery, I swear!)

So, this time I was kickin’ it with my family and just feeling blah. I started to realize I’d been this way over the last year… just uuuuber mellow. This is not who I am. I was born with fire in my belly. I am sassy and independent… a strong, take no prisoners kinda gal. I realized curbing the anti-depressant would revive my personality and re-ignite the fire in my belly.

Sure enough… The defrost is complete. Helloooo emotions! You have returned. It’s nice to see you, now don’t cause me any trouble. YA RIGHT!

I spent last night being nearly strangled by a knot of pent-up emotion in my chest… which oozed out slowly in the form of tears. Stiff drink in my favorite fancy wine glass and I felt a little better.

You see, I was having a fantastic day with my kiddos. We raked a giant pile of leaves, taller than my 9-year-old… then jumped and flipped in it… took pictures. Hung out with The Sultry School Teacher, laughing and enjoying being near another soul who understands me.

At one point I brought up Facebook on my phone to look at the fab fall pics I had downloaded when what do I see? The Stupid Wine Girl having tagged The Collector in a trashy photo post of “Stud Undies”. I was shocked. I’m not shocked all that easily, but I took in a breath and had a real hard time letting it out again.

“Oh hell no, that’s it!” I said. I’ve been contemplating kicking The Collector off my Facebook for some time, and in fact not seeing him again… but every time I talk to him, he’s so damn charming! So, I composed a little message that said “Sorry babe but despite how sexy, funny, and smart you are… after the ‘stud undies’ I don’t want to look anymore. I’m taking you off my friend’s list.”

When I saw the post, I figured The Collector had no idea that trashy girl had put it up there and he wouldn’t like it. Still, she always posts stuff on his profile. Hell, I can’t look at ONE post without seeing her saying some flirtatious shit that quietly lets the world know she’s fucking him. I don’t need that bullshit.

I also feel like a flaming idiot, whose hair is on fire but she doesn’t know. What a moron I was to keep hanging around after he basically picked up that girl while we were on a trip together. Of course, she was the one falling all over him and when she found out he’s an engineer she turned it in to a work thing and bam, she had his card.

However, the gritty honest truth is– I can make excuses, call it work and dress it up however I want but it’s still totally disrespectful. You really think it’s a legitimate professional contact? (which is was NOT of course) Then call her on Monday! You know the name of the god damn winery! Show me a little respect.

I should have made a fuss but I didn’t, mostly because I didn’t think he’d go there. She’s irritating and trashy, not to mention NOT all that attractive.

Well, shame on me for not having a fit over it because not too much later I learned he’d been screwing her. Even then I didn’t have a fit. I was being cool and confident. Logical and all. He’d made no promises. I was in no way under the impression that we were exclusive, so what right did I have to give him hell about it?

THEN, he told me he’d stopped having sex with her. She freaked out, but he’d decided she was getting too attached too fast. I told him “Thank God because I HATE her!”

“Really?” he asked.

“Ya, I mean, I get it that we are not exclusive or anything but I didn’t like her from the very start. She was hitting on you like crazy when I was right there. Plus, she’s someone I’ve actually met so it’s different from thinking about you seeing other girls. AND she’s irritating and she’s getting her sticky gross ‘I wanna be his girlfriend’ vibe all over your Facebook page.”

I also mentioned his talent for adding new Facebook friends constantly who all seem to be attractive single women. I told him one day I’ll just have had enough and delete him from my Facebook. I said it in a playful manner but I was serious none the less.

So, after seeing her posting I felt so humiliated and pissed off at myself. What the hell am I doing still hanging around this guy? He rarely calls me, and after emailing and talking, dates every so often and 2 trips over nearly a year– He still doesn’t know me at all.

Hell, I should have bailed when I found out he was seeing her. I mean, who DOES that? Picks up a chick while on a trip with another woman? How could I not have bounced? Have I no dignity at all? AND I completely believe with every fiber of my being that we teach people how to treat us… and what did I do but just make it seem like it was ok?

I only have so much cool in my reserves and, my cool fuckin’ ran out. Then, he has the nerve to email me back saying “ok, I just found that bullshit… frankly I seriously hope you are kidding and took the time to figure out that I didn’t put that up and were just pulling my leg. Wow now I’m all upset at you for jumping to pissing on my parade instead of taking a second for the benefit of the doubt. I thought you knew me better than that.”

Are you fucking kidding me??? He’s trying to turn that around and be upset with me? I don’t think so, and after I made an effort to complement him — let him know I just don’t want to see her trash anymore! It’s only Facebook, Big Guy. So, I took a breath and simply replied “I figured she put it up there and you didn’t know but I just don’t need to see that kinda stuff. Feeling more emotional today than logical.”

No reply… so after an hour or so I texted him something similar. He doesn’t have a smart phone so I thought I’d let him know in case he wasn’t in front of his computer.

Well, apparently he didn’t really give a shit. No reply at all. Now it’s the next day and I am thinking fate intervened. I’ve got to be more specific when I pray for something! I prayed for God to resolve this but I didn’t expect to feel like I had my knees smashed by the baseball bat of fate. Wow, couldn’t it have been more subtle?

The answer to that is– NO. If it were more subtle, I could ignore it like I’ve been doing.

I really think that pill had something to do with how I have been handling this situation. I feel like I’ve been having an internal conversation between myself and the watered down version of me. It’s like I am defrosting and coming out of a fog to look around and see parts of my life in shambles like rubble where a building used to be.

“Oh my God. What have you been doing?!” I ask the watered down version of myself. “What the hell was I thinking leaving you in charge?!! Shit, now I have to clean up this mess.”

Today I am trying to wash off the stench of self loathing… I let myself sit, have a drink, cry a little and feel so disgusted with myself that I wanted to vomit.. but only for a few hours last night. Now it’s time to pick myself up, dust off and keep on keepin’ on. Lyrics from an incredible Saving Jane song, Better Day–

It’s gonna be a better day.
I think I’m gonna be ok.
I’ve got a little air to breath.
That’s alright with me.
I’ve got a little light to shine.
You can’t take what’s mine.
I’ve been down so low.
No where but up to go.
So go ahead bring on the rain.
It’s gonna be a better day!
lala la la la la, lala la la la la

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Published in: on December 26, 2011 at 9:00 am  Comments (2)  
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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Defrosted is a good thing….


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