The Current State of My Affairs

Right now I’m crushing on The Ambassador of Ambiguity BIG time. Because of this I haven’t thought much about the others..

There was a sales guy that I had one date with and was supposed to drive the hour and a half to where he lives to see him. Even before I bumped in to The Ambassador again, I had pretty much decided that I didn’t want to put that much work in to it. That’s about twice as much effort as I am willing to make.

I went on vacation and told him I’d come down after I got home…. I texted him once during my trip and haven’t heard from him since. You’d think he’d be on the phone like –Yo, when am I going to see you again?!! but nope, not a word. In situations like this I am always very aware that I am participating in letting this thing slip away, and I always wonder what’s on the guy’s mind.

Then there’s The Psych student. I was really enjoying him but he just started to fizzle out. He drifted away and I refuse to chase him (or anyone for that matter). Wonder what’s up with him. I think he’s the stick his head in the sand type… I’m sure something is going on with him. I’m also sure he wouldn’t tell me what it was, even if I directly asked.

The Collector… Well, he called me when he was making the 6 hour drive south to take his engineering exam. We chatted for like 2 hours, which is great on a trip like that… It really burns up the time. Then, the next week when I was plugging along on my 12 hour trek on the road to see family, I called him. He didn’t pick up. Left a voicemail. He didn’t call back. Little irritation on my part.

He posted like 5 word bullshit comments that didn’t really mean anything on my Facebook- a few times but that’s it. Ugh, MORE irritation, especially since he preaches about how he tries to put in as much effort as the other person… blah blah blah. Really doesn’t matter, because I don’t have that connection with him. If I wanted to be a moron, I could probably push it and manufacture some sort of relationship there, but I’m not that girl.

It all seems to be sort of falling in to place for something to happen with The Ambassador… BUT– (christ, why is there always a but??) I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. Now, a couple of days should be no big deal but it’s got me a bit rattled because The Ambassador tends to stick his head in the sand also (but at least with him I can pry it out of him). From my previous experience with him I have learned that if something is bothering him, instead of talking about it, he’ll ignore it and drift away.

I could guess all day and night what might be floating around in that head of his… Maybe he’s scared he’ll get stuck in this podunk town if he starts something up with me… Or maybe he doesn’t feel the way I do. Maybe he started talking to The Sneaky Bitch again. Maybe he’s over thinking the entire situation trying to decided if he wants to go there with me. Maybe maybe maybe.

At this point… My state of “affairs” is looking pretty freakin’ lame. The feeling I’ve been looking for… That playful, happy feeling… The feeling of being my best self with a person and there are no huge deal breakers.. I have found it in The Ambassador—and no way am I going to just watch him standing there in front of me and do nothing about it! It’s been a long time for me to first, figure out what I’m looking for, and second to actually find it.

So, I’m not going to over think it or get nervous or whatever.. I want to be IN it. IN this feeling, surrounded and caressed by it– like slowly moving my body immersed in a bed of raw silk.

I don’t care if he’s going to put in for a transfer and move. I don’t care if he’s nervous, or unsure… as long as he’s not foolin’ around with The Sneaky Bitch, or repulsed at the idea of physical contact with me (and come one, who would be? Pah-lease!) then I’m going for it!

(Smooches to Jordan for this line I sorta stole from his blog­- thenatureofmygame.net) I’m going to stop worrying about spilling my chardonnay… STAND UP AND ENJOY THE MUSIC!

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Published in: on December 18, 2011 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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