Looking for Someone, Not Necessarily “The One”?

Sometimes I meet people who seem to be just looking for someone- anyone really, not actually “the one”. Some will even go so far as to say out loud “There’s no one out there. Just get what you can get!”

I am not that person… well, not anymore. I’m sure I have been at times over the last 4 1/2 yrs since my divorce. It was just a matter of how much I was willing to put up with. I was lucky for the most part. I did manage to spend a couple of years with people I truly valued. Men who stirred my soul, at least for a time. That was just happenstance. I was out looking… prowling even. I don’t know what made me that way, except that maybe I’m used to being a part of a couple.

Ever since the 9th grade, I’ve been the girl in a relationship. The girl holding hands walking through the halls. The girl who was a part of Cadence & Nick, or Darren & Cadence. I was that girl who had her picture with her guy printed in the year book and part of the video at graduation. I was the one who had a guy writing poetry dedicated to her and printed in the school’s writer’s publication.

It never occurred to me that I was “that girl” until today. I was talking to The Psych student on the phone as he described how he never thought much about girls when he was young. He generally had a girl around him, and when she left, there was always another. No big deal. He was a boy, doing boy things. The girls just seemed to be around and he never gave much thought to it.

I was struck because that is pretty much opposite of how I was. He never had thoughts of giving a girl a promise ring or any shit like that. I had the promise ring by junior year in high school.

Now, I had some time just when I’d entered the military when I was footloose and fancy free, and picking out a new playmate for the week. That didn’t last long, though, about three months. Then I moved to a different base and I was right back in Couple’s Town.

The Psych student talked about where he is these days. He’s open to something meaningful, but mostly just trying to be happy… meet people and spend time with people who don’t hate him. (I can tell you that’s quite a gift after a brutal divorce.)

I realize that is the same place I claim to be these days. Just doing my thing and talking to people. Spending time, and trying not to over think anything or manipulate any situations. It’ll happen when it happens… but I tell ya, a few sultry kisses and I’m right back to fantasizing about coupledom. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I do that? At this point, the repeated disappointments of my incessant hoping are just about more than I can stomach… and yet… There I go envisioning hand-holding walks in the park. I still want it.

Searching for your soul mate, or even a soul mate (depending on your opinion in that particular debate) can be incredibly frustrating because if you think about it, dating is bound to fail. It’s set up to fail over and over again, until you find that one you’re going to share time with. Until then, every situation is bound to crash and burn. That’s just how the game is played.

I’ll tell you another thing The Psych student said that has been on my mind today. He was telling me that his invitation for me to stay at his place was not his attempt to try to screw me. I laughed and said “I know. I know what that looks like!”

He went on to say that he could certainly get laid if that’s all he wanted to do. He could walk down to any bar near his town and get one of those little college girls to go home with him. That’s available to him, should he choose to do so…(Thank God I’m not the only one with uber logical thoughts about sex like that) but he prefers to get to know a woman first… have a little human interaction before he starts doing sex stuff with them.

He’s very liaise faire. He looks at the sex stuff like “Hey, no expectations. Let’s just have some beers and see if things get crazy.” He then said something that surprised me a little. He said that attitude seems to make things happen a lot faster than chomping on the bit like a 15-year-old boy. I can understand that since women generally have an ingrained need to win a man over. That’s why if you pay no attention to her, she’ll generally come your way.

I’ll bet this is true for relationships too. If you look at it with the “Hey, no expectations” attitude, things probably move a lot faster than they would if you were “looking”. The problem is, some of us… like me and certainly Captain Amazing as well, just can’t bring ourselves to that place where we just don’t care. Sure, we may get there at times after being so frustrated with the whole damn dating process that we’ve got steam coming out our ears but it doesn’t last long.

We can operate like it doesn’t really matter, and even control our inner dialogue, repeatedly telling ourselves not to care about it… but I don’t think we ever truly arrive at that place where we truly don’t care.

Here’s the beauty of easy come easy go… When you actually don’t have some hope or attachment to whether or not a situation works out, it is much easier to be yourself. You’re not constantly thinking about what he or she hopes you’ll say or what will move this situation along. You’re just being you, and that’s beautiful.

So, I’m going to keep on being happy and content with where I am and what I’m doing… I’m not giving up, but I can’t lie. I’m keepin’ my eyes peeled for “the one”. That’s just part of how I see the world. Now, I have to make sure I stay close enough to the realm of not caring to be just be myself.

Published in: on November 10, 2011 at 9:00 am  Comments (5)  
Tags: , , , ,

The URI to TrackBack this entry is: https://search4asoulmate.wordpress.com/2011/11/10/looking-for-someone-not-necessarily-the-one/trackback/

RSS feed for comments on this post.

5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Cadence, thanks for this well-written post. I found it interesting and heartfelt. I can’t relate because dating for me was never the laid back easy come easy go thing. My dating life was like this: ———. Flatline nothing. I never developed a taste for alcohol which put me on the outs in college. Don’t follow sports or religion and those too keep me an outsider. Not pay attention and wait for someone to come my way? Not in my life. That’d be like trying to build a multinational corporation by running a lemonade stand.

    I’m not sure why you castigate yourself for wanting a partner. We’re primates, intensely social animals, of course we want partners. I post a lot of entries about seeking love. Seems that not wanting a partner would be a little weird. In my post “More About Love” I quote Buscaglia’s book:

    “Something that a lovely, wise 81-year-old woman shared at a seminar once has stayed with me over the years. In being asked what her needs were in this latter stage of life, she said very simply, “All I need and ever needed was someone to love and someone to love me. Nothing’s changed.”

    Seems natural to me. Hope this helps.

    • Ahhh, I love the 81 year old woman! What a fantastic reply. Thank you. It let me into some scrumptious introspection.

      I have been marinating over why I reprimand myself for wanting a partner. I don’t think I even realized I was sort of beating myself up over wanting a partner. I guess after hearing so many people tell me to stop looking and then it will appear… or even the same message with religious flavor. A former shift partner said something to me like “turn your heart to the Lord….’ blah blah blah.. Which made me want to scratch this poor sweet religious woman’s eyes out. OR telling me I’m too picky, or that I care too much.

      I think it may also be that —- this is my kryptonite. I think about how much easier it would be on my heart if I just didn’t care. There would be so much less hurt and disappointment. I must admit though, I am an intense, passionate and emotional woman. If I’m not caring than I’m not living. You are right.. to want a partner is natural and it’s just who I am -in all my glory 😉

  2. You are wonderful as a passionate person and don’t need to change a thing. All that, “If I find someone great, if not great – whatever” that so many people claim, no wonder divorce is so common.

    I once heard someone say the only reason one should even consider getting married is if you absolutely positively cannot live without that person. (I think it was Bill Cosby on an NPR show decades ago – these things stick with me.) By today’s standards that would seem hopelessly needy. Again, no wonder divorce is so high. If everyone is so damned independent, who in the partnership will have the motivation to put up with the challenges of a shared life? In truth BOTH partners have to have the desire.

    I encourage you to check out the art of intimacy and love blog on my blogroll. It is a very thorough look at relationships and, here’s the cool part, it’s a mature blending of the work/effort a relationship takes AND the passion, love and romance part.

    • Relationships, not just romantic ones, are very important to me. I guess the feeling of wishing I didn’t care so much is just an attempt at keeping myself safe from hurt.

  3. I was just milling around on your site and I did check out The Art of Intimacy as well. Plus, I ordered a couple of Buscaglia’s books.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: