Now Don’t You Feel Foolish???

I woke up a couple of days ago and when I saw that I still had no word from The Ambassador of Ambiguity, my blood pressure started to rise. Oooh, I got SO damn mad. I mean, really? You can’t disappear when you live around the frickin’ corner!

I have to admit I see the value in pulling a Houdini. Don’t have to explain anything or have any nervous awkward conversation. You just stop talkin’. Blow off this text, look at the caller ID before you pick up the phone…. BUT, NOT after 2 months of talking nearly everyday! For Duke I’ll add NOT after “I love you”s and NEVER if you’ve SLEPT with that person!

I was SO incredibly pissed off. I had sent a few messages and called once or twice with NO replies to anything. I had HAD it. I HATE this behavior anyway, but coming from someone who lives around the corner and I feel like I can actually do something about it (like show up at his door, give him a piece of my mind, grab him by the ear lobe and walk him around town… something like that). Is he completely loco trying this stunt when I know where he lives???

I’m not a crazy bitch. I didn’t race over there and bang his door down. I called my besties and let them calm me down and talk me out of it.

I’m SO glad they talked me out of it. I went to a church thing (I’m, sort of, an unconventional christian) and listened to the Pastor talking about Luke chapter 6… “love those that hate you” and turn the other cheek and all that. It got me thinking… This isn’t me. I’m not an angry person. I’m not someone who immediately thinks of how something affects me and no one else. I don’t do that. I try to see the world through a lens of love. I try to understand why people do what they do. I’m a helper and a caretaker.

I think sometimes.. because I have known so many men throughout my life that have treated me badly and /or abandoned me… ya know, the baggage I carry through this life…

In some situations when I “put myself out there” and let myself be vulnerable, I get all scared and worked up.. Then I start trying to reach out, grab hold and control the situation. When I start doing that I’m sure my body starts sweatin’ out desperation, like the first workout after a long night getting hammered… That yucky sweet stench starts oozing out your pores.

As Dr. Phil says I “externalize my locus of control”. Basically I hand over the remote control for my feelings and give a man the power to hurt me, and make me sad, mad or glad. Dr. Phil also says your emotions are really a productive of you internal dialogue, and I let that dialogue run rampant like a crazed child with ADD. It’s all in an attempt to avoid getting hurt. Of course, it doesn’t work… but hell, I don’t even realize when I’m doing it so what does that matter??

I had this realization during the Pastor’s sermon that was what I was doing and had done to The Ambassador. Now, don’t you feel foolish??

I was SO glad I didn’t go bitch out The Ambassador and my emotions turned from anger to sadness. He was a little ray of sunshine in my life. What’s happening? Is something really bothering him? And why on earth would I jump to the conclusion that it was me?

So, after not being able to reach him, I did stop by his house. He hugged me and swore he wasn’t trying to disappear. He showed me an amazing letter he got from work. It was just a confirmation that he was on the fast track for promotion. I was so happy for him, but he seemed SO incredibly nervous. I could only stay for a bit since I had kids in the car. So, I went on my way.

When I got home I got his reply to my last message which read “I’m sorry if I didn’t give you the space and time you needed.”

He only replied “that isn’t it at all.”

I replied “Does that mean there is something on your mind then? I really think you should talk to me about it. Preferably in the nude.”

That was, of course, my attempt to light the mood and get a laugh… Felt REALLY awkward when he ONCE AGAIN did not reply!

I am doing my best to continue just loving the people around me… including The ambassador of Ambiguity. It may not make any difference in the situation with The Ambassador, but the truth is, I feel better inside.

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Published in: on August 1, 2011 at 7:43 am  Leave a Comment  
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