A Day of Tough Realizations

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I had a headache, it was too hot, and there were no messages waiting on my phone. Now, I am working a graveyard shift right now so I wake up at like 2 in the afternoon. I haven’t heard from The Red Hott Ramblin’ Man in days and days (and sorry, but if I’m sleeping with a guy– I damn well expect to hear from him more than once a week)and I had also messaged The Ambassador of Ambiguity last night about hanging out Wednesday and the message went completely unanswered. I was so angry and frustrated…. I just felt like “I frickin’ give up. I give up.”  Tough but necessary realizations.

I have been burning up some brain power trying to figure out what the hell is going on with this guy and I guess this morning I woke up with my answer… I’m back to reading “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo of Sex and the City.

I think the reason it was bothering me so much is because I knew. I knew I was really starting to like him and have feelings and he’s just not in the same place. He’s just not that into me. If he was, he wouldn’t have been able to keep his paws off me for 2 months. I wouldn’t be wondering why he didn’t get back to me about Wednesday night… He’d be ALL OVER THAT.

I always worry because I have this crazy schedule, so I’m assertive in letting guys know when I’m free, but the fact is… if he was in to me, he’d be ASKING ME “when can I see you next?”

There wouldn’t be any himmin’ and hawin’ about still feeling me out and keeping his online profile still posted as if he’s lookin’ for something better.

I had that realization this morning and it didn’t feel good. I was really unhappy about it… still am actually. I’m kinda pissed off… but what can you do? It is what it is, and if I want a man who will love me the way I want to be loved then I have to find the one who is willing to move mountains to be with me.

If you remember an earlier post called “A Long Conversation with The Duke”… My friend Duke has fallen in love with a woman in a fairly short amount of time… weeks really. She’s someone he’s known for years but just now is hitting it off with. Well, she pulled a Houdini on him and disappeared. What does Duke do? Does he just take the hint and let her go? No, he continues messaging her telling her he loves her and doesn’t want to lose her. Even more, he was thinking she’d be in Milwaukee in a few days and so he drove for 12 hours for the chance to show her he loves her and he’s IN.

He kept saying things like “maybe she’ll run to me, and NOT stab me” and “she could think it’s romantic, or she could get a restraining order. It’s a crap shoot.” And still, HE WENT.

That’s how I want to be loved. I want a man who is going to see me and say “Where have you been all my life? You are AMAZING. I know what I want and that is you.” Forget looking for something better, as far as he can see I’m the only woman in the world.

And DON’T tell me this kind of love only exists in Hollywood, because I have loved a man like that and I see Duke loving a woman that way right now. Sure it’s rare, but I’ll take being alone over being in the wrong relationship any day of the week.

So, here’s the plan. I have told The Ambassador pretty much everything he needs to know, so now the ball is in his court. He can either show me I mean something to him, or he can walk away.

I’m not going to push it. I’m going back to my personal pursuits. I’ll be working on my house, and my blog and writing a book with Captain Amazing.

I am tempted to talk to The Ambassador one more time and be much more clear…. I’d tell him “You have had enough time. You know me well enough, and if you’re still ‘feeling me out’ then you’re just not into me… If you were, nothing would stop you. You would move mountains to get to me. I wouldn’t be wondering why you didn’t respond to my message about Wednesday night because you’d be asking me when you could see me again. I wouldn’t be wondering if you are even attracted to me at all because it would be obvious. You wouldn’t be able to keep your hands off me. That’s the way I want to be loved. So, I’m going back to pursuing all my projects working on my house and stuff… and by the way, I’m going to be unavailable next week. I didn’t want you to think I disappeared on you, but my friend Dustin is coming down from Medford to stay at my house. We are going to write this book we’ve been talking about for 6 months. He’ll be here Wednesday, thursday and friday.”

Then, if The Ambassador wants to do something about it, he can. That’s up to him. Will he feel the empty space where I used to be in his life and chase me? Or will he just shrug it off? We shall see, I guess. But at least I’ll have been completely clear. I hate this cryptic bs. The Ambassador posted another Facebook message today and it said “Ever feel like your life needed a little push to accomplish your goal? That’s what good friends are for.” Now what does that mean? Is that about the talk we had the other day? Or something completely different? Does that mean I’m a “good friend”? What is the goal? To have a great relationship and love in his life… or something totally unrelated? ugh! Sometimes I hate Facebook.

Ya know… I really like the idea of just laying it all on the line, so there is no misunderstanding. I could just back off and see what happens, but I think I’d rather lay it all out on the table. Wish me luck!

Published in: on July 26, 2011 at 6:25 am  Comments (4)  
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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. The Ambassador of Ambiguity? Such an awesome nickname. Love it! Looking forward to delving deeper into your blog.

    • Thank you Monogamist… I also enjoyed your blog… as I’m sure you can tell by my many emotion charged comments. lol

  2. I’m with monogamist….these names you give people are absolutely amazing and very creative! I thought I had talent in that area….but I was wrong!

    • What a fantastic compliment!! Thank you so much!

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