This Guy is Driving Me Crazy!

Mr. Hard Body, The frickin’ Ambassador of Ambiguity is driving me crazy! I’m SO angry right now. It seems like I have found him… I’ve found the feeling I’ve been looking for where even life’s mundane chores feel fun together. He makes me laugh, and lust, and think…. But he also makes me feel insecure.

I have been seeing Mr. Hard Body for two months now. We have seen each other SO many times. I don’t even know how many… and yet… never once has he even tried to kiss me. Now, I am a scorpio and pride myself on my sensuality. I’m someone who just oozes with it… And NOTHING? Two months and no holding hands, no kisses… nothing but a little snuggling up on the couch?

Yesterday I finally said to him “if we’re just friends, I need to know because I’m kinda crazy about you and I don’t know where you’re at. If hope you see what I see, that this could be something really great, but if not… I need to know. I’m not trying to wrestle a commitment out of you but I need to know I’m not wasting my time.”

So, first of all, he doesn’t make it easy for me. The first thing he says is “oh, are we going to have THAT conversation today?”

Then he thinks things over for a while and then says things to me like “I know this is something good or I wouldn’t be sitting here beside you” but then he also says “I’m still feeling you out. I want to learn you. I have always rushed things before. I don’t want to rush anything.” He also said “It’ll happen… one day before you know it, your clothes will be off!”

He talked quite a bit about sex, as if he thought that was what I was after. Pleasssse! I can get laid, and so could he without blinkin’ an eye. I wanted some reassurance that he’s into me and that situation is actually going somewhere… because it feels like I’m walking on a treadmill. Walking and walking and walking and not making any progress.

What the hell does that mean? I felt a little better, atleast knowing that he is interested…. but still no kisses… no holding hands.

He even knows about The Ramblin’ Man, so you would think his jelousy instinct would kick in some. I know he’s jelous because he texted me everyday I was with The Ramblin’ Man on the camping trip.

He’s still feeling me out and learning me? What the hell is he waiting for? What specifically does he need to know?? I know all I need to know, without question. Does he not feel that way? If not, maybe I should just keep walkin’.

He’s just coming out of a relationship where he got cheated on so I’m sure that’s made him skittish and slow moving. I get that, but how long am I supposed to wait?

Then this morning he posted “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes on his Facebooks. Here are the lyrics….

This is the first day of my life

I swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed

They’re spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

Now I don’t know where I am

I don’t know where I’ve been

But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know

These things take forever

I am especially slow

But I realize I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night

Just to see me in the morning

And I thought it was strange you said everything changed

You felt as if you’d just woke up

And you said “this is the first day of my life

I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you

But now I don’t care I could go anwhere with you

And I’d probably be happy

So if you want to be with me

With these things there’s no telling

We just have to wait and see

But I’d rather be working for a paycheck

Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time is different

I mean I really think you like me

At first I thought this was SO sweet. “Yours is the first face that I saw– I think I was blind before I met you” and all, but then the more I thought about it… I thought, I was trying to kind of light a fire under him and instead I get a song that says “These things take forever– I am especially slow” and “So if you want to be with me we just have to wait and see.” Damn it!!! The frickin’ Ambassador of Ambiguity!

The more I think about the situation, the more I get frustrated. Why does everything have to be so garbled and unclear? Maybe we should talk again… but uuuuuuuugh! I don’t want to. It was so awkward and I’m sure he doesn’t want to either… but things are about as clear as Georgia mud!

I think I need to set a deadlline. I realize he may slow but it doesn’t feel like we are even moving in a positive direction. Can I please see some progress!

First, let me be fair and say, I haven’t really given him any time to remedy the situation yet. This only happened yesterday and I didn’t see him today… but he did post the song on Facebook. I know I’m ranting and being impatient in this post. I just can’t explain how difficult it is to have these kinds of feelings for someone (and I’m a Scorpio… I don’t just have feelings, I have raging passionate ones) and not be able to kiss him, touch him, or hold him. I’m grinding my teeth to dust over here!

It has become very clear to me tonight though, that I can’t keep doing this. I don’t feel appreciated and wanted. I feel like he’s not attracted to me. I keep wondering if he’s just not that into me. After all, the book says in two chapter titles “he’s just not into you if he’s not dating you” and “he’s just not into you if he’s not sleeping with you.”

Maybe I just need that physical closeness to feel wanted and secure, that my feelings are reciprocated.

This is so confusing. I don’t know why. I mean, take Captain Amazing for instance. He and I have something incredible, and although (I have to admit I’m not completely sure why) he did not want to pursue a relationship, I have always known that he cares deeply for me and its attracted to me. Same with my ex the writer. Even when I knew that he was in love with someone else…. I also knew he loved me and he was attracted to me. So why is it such a big question with The Ambassador??

Maybe next time I see him I’ll just say “this is driving me crazy!” and then pull him in by his shirt and kiss him. Maybe I’ll do all that and then stop just short of touching his lips and whisper “is this ok?”

Why not, right? What could it hurt? Be bold! Truth is, either I start seeing some affection and progress or I’m going to bail– so even if he says no and decides I’m being too aggressive… It’s not the end of the world. I’ve got to get movin’ or get out of this, otherwise I’m going to really get hurt.

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Published in: on July 25, 2011 at 10:27 am  Leave a Comment  
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