Long Talk With The Duke

So, I have this friend I call The Duke. It’s an old nickname, don’t ask me why. He’s a great guy. Incredibly active and in shape. He’s a sentimental guy with depth and passion. I can’t say enough good things about him.

I remember when I first met him. He was dating a friend of mine but the other girls and I all thought he was so dreamy. I remember like three of us girls standing around watching him do the rowing machine in the gym. I think we were counting strokes or something but it was all bullshit.. We were just watchin’ Duke.

A year or so after that I had lost touch with my friend, and Duke had stopped dating her. He and I had a great weekend together. I was just going to see him because he was a friend. I honestly didn’t expect anything to happen. In fact, I was supposed to stay at a nearby hotel but once I got to his place he said they were all sold out. Hmmmm.

So this friend of mine… it was so funny. It was almost like having a crush on your best friend’s big brother. He was a little older than me, smart, charming and handsome. I really couldn’t even imagine him being attracted to me. (even though I was seriously lookin’ hott those days). Anyway, I went to visit and he took me out to dinner at this great Rustic place overlooking the ocean. The front door of the restaurant was literally about 10 feet away from the sandy beach. I got a chance to put on heels and an elegant, kinda sexy dress. As we sat down to dinner Duke talked about wines and we watched out the window as a random dude stood on top of his beat up blue van and made giant human size bubbles in front of the sunset.

Then we walked on the beach. I carried my heels in one hand and held his arm with the other. We talked about some things we had each struggled with over the last year. It really was a wonderful night, and I think we ended up makin’ out a bit but then stopping and just being close to each other.

Thanks for the miracles of Facebook, Duke found me recently. He’s married now, over 10 years with a very successful career and a baby that took a really long time to conceive. From the moment I started talking to him, I knew he had something he wanted to talk to me about. I couldn’t figure out why he seemed so determined, even with the extreme time difference, to talk to me. We are both busy professionals.

We chatted several times and now that it’s been a few weeks, he finally came out with it. Although he’s still married and loves his wife… he’s not IN LOVE with her. In fact, he’s madly passionately in love with another woman.

This other woman is across the country and I don’t believe they’ve done anything physical. Duke has too much respect for his wife to sneak around on her and this new thing was completely unexpected.

He’s now trying to weigh the consequences of leaving his wife and child. It’s either that or live his life without passion… emotional or physical. (She’s apparently never been very sexual)

Although I tried to give him input, I think he’s already made up his mind. He said he sees his life now as having one woman he had his child with, and then a different woman he’ll spend the rest of his life with.

I suppose somewhere in there he must feel like he married the wrong person. I said to him that things weren’t so incredibly complicated when we were young. I never thought this much when I was 20. I never thought about what kind of partner this person would be when times got tough. I never wondered how he would react if one of us got sick. Would he be positive and optimistic? Would he be active and fun? Would he be willing to make whatever efforts it took to keep us going great and not just blah good?

I stressed how difficult and brutal a divorce will be. I stressed that this new relationship may not be everything he hoped it would be and then he’ll already have ruined his marriage.

He and I see the world kind of like this quote I’ve seen before “Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with and love shouldn’t be one of them.”

I can’t say that I blame him. I don’t want to live my life blah blah blah without passion either. That would be just boring and no fun at all… and how miserable would that be to have the object of your affection available and in love with you too but you feel you are in such a quandary ou just don’t know what to do? That’s like torture.

However, what a terrible position he’s in. If he leaves he’ll trade everything he has, and for what? Passion, excitement, energy? Well, he’ll get it but I can guarantee it won’t all be good.

He mentioned that he wanted to handle things carefully so his wife won’t go “nuclear”. Nuclear is a good word for it.

The reason I really wrote this particular post is that I was so taken aback at the thought that Duke had possibly even sought me out to talk to me about this. The fact that we haven’t talked in over 12 years and yet he felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it. That just took my breath away. But, *sarcastic sigh* that’s my relationship super power for you. Nonjudgmental listener than can make you so comfortable you completely spill the beans!

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Published in: on July 11, 2011 at 9:36 am  Leave a Comment  
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