I Miss Captain Amazing

Today I bought a new bikini. I haven’t worn a little bikini in something like 10 years. I had been wearing more and more coverage until I noticed the other day that was not even really wearing a swimsuit anymore. The bottom was like a skirt, and the top like a tank. The darn thing wasn’t even tight.

So, after hearing the Ramblin’ Man talk about wanting to see me in a bikini again and again… I finally said to myself… Bikinis are for CONFIDENT women. Just because I’m a little thicker than I want to be doesn’t mean I can’t wear a bikini.

I went shopping and tried on probably 20 bathing suits. I knew I had to find the right fit so I could feel comfortable and confident in it… I finally got the sizes figured out and put on a red checkered OP bikini. It was tiny, with tie strings on the sides of the bottoms and at the neck and rib cage of the top. The minute I put it on, my jaw dropped and I thought. Could it be? Did I actually find one that fits right? And then I wanted to shout it from the rooftops! I am in love with that bikini. I went home and put it back on. I didn’t want to take the damn thing off!!!

I wanted SO much to share this feeling with someone. That’s SO difficult for me because there are an awful lot of heavy women in my life. I’m scared to share it with them. I don’t want them to think I’m throwing it in their face. Plus… I don’t feel like they can understand… but Captain Amazing would have understood.

My bestie, Captain Amazing Adventurer, has completely disappeared from my life… He didn’t Houdini, I’ll give him that. He explained what is going on.

So, Captain Amazing got back together with his ex-girlfriend… The 21-year-old that works a menial job and drives him crazy (in good ways and bad, I’m sure).

What it comes down to is that he needs to be ALL IN his relationship. I guess he cut off all the girls he was friends with. He said he had to do this to be the kind of man he wants to be.

Ahhhh, to me it seems like he’s just doing what she is telling him to do. I know he loves her, and I know he doesn’t want to be alone but I miss him.

I don’t understand why we can’t be friends… I really don’t. I have dated men that were big enough to handle that. I was even willing to meet her, but no. Maybe it has to do with feelings… I just really don’t know. I only know I miss him.

I miss how his mind works. I once did something I wasn’t too proud of… and I told him. I was so embarrassed and he was also kinda shocked but he turned it around and said “that’s what I love about you… you’re not afraid to take risks!”

I miss hearing his crazy stories and being able to ask him what he thinks about whatever ridiculous situation I’m in. I miss him calling me up with a new book idea. I miss talking to him about writing a book together. I miss getting pics of his adorable angelic son.

We discussed this fairly early on in our friendship.. that it was inevitable that one of us would get in to a relationship and it would change what we had. We knew that we had something incredible and amazing. We have a rare and priceless connection… I’d even say mutual admiration and understanding.

We knew that it would inevitably change, but I NEVER thought it would disappear completely. NEVER. Especially when he’s the one that asked me… made me promise that I would ALWAYS be in his life.

Part of me says maybe I was wrong. Maybe we weren’t friends at all. I can hear the words he typed in the last email that read “I have tried to keep talking to you, and others.” OUCH others! Way to make a girl feel NOT special. Hey, I know that’s probably me being a sassy bit but I MISS HIM.

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Published in: on July 5, 2011 at 11:15 am  Leave a Comment  
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