Don’t Let The Crazy Out Too Soon!

So, it is 1:25 am and I am wide awake.  It’s been a brutal day, and I spent most of it just crying my eyes out.  I am one of the fortunate singles who doesn’t spend a whole lot of time alone, since I’m usually working 12 hour shifts, or I have my kiddos with me. 

Well, recently a change in my schedule resuled in my having 3 or 4 days off each week with no kids.  This threw me right in to the lonely river, and today I felt like I was drowing. 

It’s horrible, ya know, people don’t talk about how powerful the lonliness is when you are single and you live alone.   It’s incredibly powerful and I have seen it bring even the strongest, stone cold man to his knees.

I am convinced that people were not made to be alone.  We are not creatures of isolation.  We are born into families and stay with our parents until maturity, then often on to college roommates or living in military dorms and from there, living with someone, and/or getting married.  That is U.S. society…. think about other cultures throughout the world where extended families all reside together.  There may be several generations under one roof, all caring for one another.  We were not made to be alone like this.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are some “Desperado”s out there… people that prefer thier solitude, but I think for the most part, this is NOT a natural state and my heart, mind, body, and soul are screaming out in protest.

Captain Amazing is with me on this one.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t have his little guy as often as I get my babies, so he has more alone time than I do.  Here’s how it works… you see, people who don’t live alone seem to think we are just out there livin’ it up!… So, I am going to explain what it’s really like. 

We go to work and yoga class or whatever, just like most people, but when we get home……   it’s silent.  You can only play with your dog for so long.  Then at some point, you might start to text some of your friends, or attempt to make plans to go out with the guys, or have a ladies night.  Here’s the problem, pretty much everyone you know has a family they are busy with or atleast  a wife or girlfriend so you’ll be lucky if you even recieve a reply text let alone a phone call.  If you try to nail down a time to go have a beer with girlfriend, she will inevitably have every long distance relative she ever knew coming to town to visit that day, plus soccer practice, back to school night, and that’s all AFTER she gets off work. 

It sounds ridiculous, but I am not joking… that’s how it is.  So, we end up spending a lot of time at home alone.. maybe riding the barco lounger, and watching too much TV.  It’s very isolating to look around yourself and see that everyone you know has someone, or has a family and you have nothing.. or atleast no one.  You may have a kick ass career, but a career can’t love you back.  It’s just not completely satisfying because God didn’t make us that way.  He made us so that we would gather together to provide each other with , at the very least, emotional warmth and shelter… love.

Once you look around and realize that everyone you know has these very full lives, except you– it’s drags you to a dark place and it’s hard to shake it off.  For me, Captain Amazing nailed it when he said that you have to start the day off right.  Usually us loners have projects, like a girl that Captain Amazing recently met who has an incredibly enormous house.  It’s something like five bedrooms and she’s the only one who lives there ever.  This isn’t a home really, but more a project if you ask me… as she is always working on painting this room or that room and re-doing the bathroom, etc.  Maybe your project is a car, or wood working or something.  It’s just that at some point you realize that this dating thing is frustrating as hell and you have to get on with your life until the right person comes along.  So, if you start the day off right, you are productive and may spend the day working out and ripping out old fixures in the bathroom.  You’re havin’ a great time rockin’ out with your ipod, and that’s a good day.

I would say, however, that the quest for love is kind of like being homeless.  (an extreme analogy, I know).  It’s hard to find a job when you don’t even have a place to sleep at night.  Just the same, it’s hard to keep motivated with your projects when you don’t have love in your life.

Captain Amazing and I seem to go in stages.  We’ll be like running a dating marathon for a little while.  Meeting a ton of intersting people and hoping that each one has some potential to be the one that sticks around but time and time again those hopes are dashed and it becomes exhausting.  Not only does it suck up a whole lot of energy and time, but especially for guys it can also get quite expensive.  I plug away at it for a while, and then when it’s gets to be more than I can take… I pull back and dive into my projects…

Still, the lonliness will getcha.  That’s what happened to me today.  See, I was hoping to see my MMA fighter.  He was waiting to see if he had to work a job today.  The last thing I heard was, if I don’t have to work I’ll drive out first thing in the morning.  He lives in a city an hour and a half away from me.  Well, I slept in and woke up and hadn’t heard anything.  I texted him and still nothing.  Around noon I tried to give him a call.  I realized by that point that he must have had to go to work, but I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t responding.  SO, I was starting to get a little pissed off.  It was kind of like being stood up. 

I tried and tried to just get on with my day, but it was like I had a 10,000 pound weight attached to my ass.  I just couldn’t hardly drag myself out of the house.  Then all these little things about being alone started to grind on me… like just trying to put on a damn bracelet.  Do you know how difficult it is to try and work the clasp on a bracelet all by yourself??  A little thing, I know, but when a thousand little things add up.. they get heavy.  Other little things start cropping up, like considering going to a movie by myself.. or always having to go shopping by myself, or always having to do the damn grocery shopping by myself.  It seems like I do everything alone!

It turned out that the MMA fighter had left his phone at home by accident.  He had to work at 6 am after about 5 (or less) hours of sleep, and just forgot it.  You see, the MMA fighter has a room mate though.  He also has his parents and brother living there in his city and he sees them all the time.  He doesn’t have the lonliness monster chewing on him like I do.. and Mr. Off Limits does, and Capt Amazing does.  

I live in a tiny town with a bunch of redneck closed minded people.   It’s a bitch of a place to try and make friends.  There just aren’t that many people to choose from, and once again they all have thier busy busy lives to live.  I live here hundreds of miles away from my very big, wonderful, and very close knit family…. and atleast a 40 minute to an hour drive away from my friends that have these same lonliness pains.  Can you understand why I feel so alone?

So, today was horrifyingly lonely for me.  I got to let the crazy out with Capt Amazing since he’ll love me no matter what, and he’s been my bestie for a good 4 or 5 months now.  However, with a new relationship like I seem to have with the MMA fighter… You don’t want to let the crazy out too soon, and today I was a little crazy.  I don’t want to ruin things by launching into the galaxy of the clingy & needy so when we did finally talk on the phone I tried to remain light.  

I don’t know if this is necessarily the best way to handle things, or if I just should have told him… Yo, the lonliness was eating me alive today.   Truth is, I couldn’t have really told him that because I was choking back tears every time I even got near the subject.  AND he didn’t know what to say anyway.  He was on the phone so it wasn’t as though he could put his arms around me.  His big supportive line was “don’t be upset”…  I chuckled, in my completely stuffed up from a day of bawling way, and said “oh ya, let me just switch that off.”  It doesn’t work that way. 

I have been told that I show too much of myself too soon, so I tried to remain light.  I am hoping to talk to him about it tomorrow and let him know that I want more.  I want to see my boyfriend more than once a week…. I’m willing to make the hour and a half drive to have the company, even if it’s just for a few hours… That’s just who I am so get on board, or take the next train.  That seemed to work with some of my previous relationships.. but it’s still so early that I’m not sure if that’s the way to go. 

I always get the impression that it’s best to just be your independant happy self… but is that really being who you are with this person, or is that shutting them out from really getting to know you?

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Published in: on June 18, 2011 at 1:45 am  Leave a Comment  
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