Changing Minds, Changing Worlds…

It’s amazing how people can change our minds about some of the most fundamental things.  People, or life or an event.

I recently talked to Captain Amazing, my bestie, my BFF.  He’s back with his young 21 yr old girlfriend.  There have been some issues since he’s 38 with loads of life experience and she doesn’t have any…  He, however, wants to see her grow and she seems to be doing just that. 

Things are moving along for him and we haven’t been talking as much.  He did tell me that she talked to her Dad about him and she hasn’t talked to him in two years.  He also mentioned that her friends are saying that he could be “the one” and they can see them getting married. 

Well, Captain Amazing doesn’t want to get married again, ever.  Of course, he’s about two years out of his marriage… and I wonder if there isn’t a process people go through that is very similar… like the grieving process when you lose someone.  I think you have to find someone who gives you hope again.  Maybe he has found that in her.

Last night as we spoke he mentioned a pregnancy scare.  Who has a pregnancy scare at 38?  I don’t know but I’m sure plenty have them at 21–  I certainly had at least one when I was young.  So, I asked him if he wanted to have more children and he said no.. but then hesitated and said something like “I don’t know, if I did get married again then I’d have children… ugh! I don’t know…”

I say there is nothing wrong with letting life change your mind.  It’s a beautiful thing and natural when you continue to grow.  For me, though, it’s important to keep my “eyes on the prize” and make sure I don’t fall back into a committed situation with someone just like my ex, just because I don’t want to be alone– or, for instance, because The Hunky Mechanic lives close by. 

I hope Captain Amazing feels this way too.  He seems to be taking it all in stride but to me it looks like things are really getting serious with someone he said very firmly was “not the one”.  I want him to find complete bliss, and I hope that’s evolving in his relationship.  I hope he hasn’t given up on it, and settled for what author Susan Page calls a BTN relationship.  (BTN for better than nothing)

My bestie also mentioned introducing the girlfriend to his son.  Then he stopped and said she’d have to meet his ex-wife first, before meeting his son.  I freaked out a little when he said this.  I said “What is that your ex-wife’s rule?  You are telling me after the 17 years you spent together she can’t trust you to bring someone into your sons life that won’t hurt him in anyway?  I’m sorry but if my ex told me that I’d tell him to fuck off!  It would just be his way of trying to control the situation.”

I love him but sometimes I don’t understand him.  There are times when I wonder if he doesn’t feel like he should have to work hard with the women in his life.  He’s so considerate and tries very hard not to be hurtful in anyway, and to make these women happy… but sometimes it seems to me that he picks women that will not be happy no matter what he does.  I just want to shake my head.  He’s Super Fantastic!  Why don’t they realize?  Of course, things always look different from the outside.

Captain Amazing also mentioned the girlfriend having difficulties with him “splitting his time”.  She’s apparently not scared that he’ll cheat on her, more that she’s not getting all his time.

Well, I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday,  (OK, I embarrassingly admit I’m a fan of Dr. Phil) and he had a newly wed couple on his show.  This was the same issue with the new bride.   She wanted all of her new husbands time.  He had given up judo, and lifting weights.  He had sold his horses and moved to the city.  He even makes sure to come home by 6:30 in the evening to avoid a two hour long ordeal if he doesn’t… but he’s angry, bitter and resentful that he’s had to give up all these things in his life that make him happy. 

I would hate to be in a situation like that, and I have fallen in to relationships before because I let them progress while I wasn’t paying attention… or better yet, while I ignored the path we were traveling down.  I’ve also had relationships crash for the same reason.

In the words of the infamous Dr. Phil, “relationships are managed…”  I hope Captain Amazing is managing his relationship, and I am doing my best to pay attention and manage what is going on with me too.   What else can we do but keep moving forward and hoping for the best?

… taking chances on love and praying we find what we desperately want and need.

Published in: on March 26, 2011 at 5:47 pm  Leave a Comment  
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