It’s All in the Details

About four years now dating on-line, and one thing I have learned is that you can’t tell a thing until you meet in PERSON.  Although this has been demonstrated to me many times, it apparently has NOT completely set in yet.

Mr. Toxic Tattoo is the guy I refered to in my blog “Don’t Jam Up My In-box” who lives 4 hours away.  So, not too long ago, I had THE absolute worst day.  The whole week was horrible and on the worst day, I had finally HAD IT.  I got in the car and drove out of here.  4 hrs to his town, even though I knew I’d have to turn around and leave at like noon the next day.  I needed the drive to clear my head.  I needed to have a new adventure, and I needed to find out if there was anything to this feeling of connection I got just looking at his profile.  I also needed to feel the warmth of trees and green around me, and since he lives in a forested area, not flat and dry like where I’m at– I figured it was perfect.

As I made plans, I started to feel skeptical.  He didn’t seem to want to talk on the phone, only text.  We had texted about sex before, but at one point, he said “you want me wearing nothing but a smile?”  I replied “hit the brakes, Casanova, I haven’t even heard your voice yet.”  I wasn’t clear enough though. 

I booked a hotel room because I knew I wouldn’t be there until like AM, and made the mistake of telling him where it was.  He then assumes that he’s invited to go there first and wait for me.  Damn dude. 

Still, I’m moving quick making plans, packing a bag, getting gas, and at the same time all these curious details about him are flying through my head.  I’m pretty much ignoring them and just trying to get the hell out of my house.

I make the drive, which is somewhat scary at times.  I was driving winding roads in the dark and cold.  Not only did I not leave until late but the drive ended up taking about 45 minutes longer than I anticipated and I was beat by the time I got there.   I figured he’d be asleep or we’d stay up talking for a little while… until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.  Here is what actually happened…

He opened the door and stood there in his jeans and tattoos.  He had a little less hair than I expected, and a little bit of a speech impediment.  Well, I don’t know if I’d call it an impediment but there was something odd about the way he talked, like his teeth were getting in the way or something. 

He didn’t say much but took my coat and hung it up.  There were candles lit, and I thought, “uh oh”.  As I put my bags down he got close to me and touched me… laid soft kisses on the back of my neck, then took me in his arms and kissed me.  We looked into each other’s eyes, exhaled, and swayed to the soulful rock playing on the radio. 

After weeks of fighting life, with seemingly every corner of my world being in turmoil, I finally just closed my eyes and stopped fighting.  I felt his kisses.  I ran my hands over his shoulders and down his back.  I took a deep breath and then surrendered.  I melted into his kisses and raised my arms as he started to peel off my clothes.

We spent hours rolling around and I managed to clear my mind.  I was relaxed at times, and aggressive at times and it was physically a very satisfying experience…  but when the deed was done, it was awkward and I felt like I was with a stranger.

I hate that feeling!  I have done this kind of thing before but not since I was about 19 years old.  I now remember why I don’t do this anymore.  I hate that hollow feeling, and the feeling of having been so incredibly intimate with a stranger.

In the light of day we walked down to breakfast together, without holding hands.  In fact, he seemed to be about two steps ahead of me.  How’s that for a gentleman?  Ha!

We sat down to breakfast and I noticed the tattoos on his knuckles..  One said FITE and the other said FUCK.  He laughed when he saw me staring and said “which one do you want to do?”  I was speechless,  I mean I couldn’t even answer.  I’m a single Mom, and my children are old enough to read.  How am I supposed to explain something like that to them?  This could never be a relationship.  Besides, what kind of person tattoos that on their knuckles were everyone on the planet can see it?

As he talked, I realized that he didn’t have his own place.  When he did have a place apparently he rented a room.  He did whatever odd jobs to get by, and was NOT a tattoo artist with his own business as he said on his profile.  He did a hell of a job making it sound like he had a little studio with some business partners.  Nope!  Apparently he built his profile to depict he wanted to be and not who he actually was.  His other tattoos were things like “born to lose”, half naked women, and violence.  He had no credit card, or even bank card.  He said he was switching banks and didn’t have his new card yet.  SURE!

We headed back up to the room and I searched my mind to figure how I could get out of there the fastest.   I puttered around moving things here and there trying to find the words.  I even sneaked some text messages out to Captain Amazing… which only served to worry him, I’m sure.

And then………..  the coup de gras.  He was heading for the shower and I saw it.  Holy SHIT, he’s got a tattoo on his dick!  I’m not kidding!  There was a skull and crossbones tattooed right on the head of his penis!  How did I not see this last night??????

I could NOT resist asking him about it.   I choked on my words, but I had to say something.  I’m sure he could tell my eyes were about to jump out of their sockets!   “That had to hurt like holy hell!”  He remarked that all his tattoos hurt.  I was like “nice try smooth operator but that’s your family jewels, it had to hurt worse than all the rest” and despite my persistence he wouldn’t admit it was anything different or more painful than the other tattoos.  

He also began talking about satanism (Christian IS listed on my profile) and how it was better than Christianity.  He claimed that Catholic nuns had buried aborted babies underneath the floor of the Vatican and all manner of ridiculous things as I darted in and out of the bathroom packing.

He got in the shower, I packed up and the minute he came out I said goodbye.  He knew I was headed for this particular grove of trees, and was planning to go with me.  “Oh I was going to go alone.  I want to get all zen with the environment, ya know.”

My excuse worked, and I bolted.. leaving the hotel wondering if he even had a car.  In fact, after driving to the grove,  I saw a hitchhiker as I entered the freeway and thought it might be him.  It wasn’t, Thank God.

Meanwhile, Captain Amazing is sending text after text in a worried frenzy… talking about how I need to get tested, among other things…   He damn near gave me a panic attack!

Then the regret set in……  Oh my God, what did I do?  Why did I DO that?  That was really a bad choice.  I shouldn’t have told him where the hotel was.  I should have been clearer that I had no intention of sleeping with him the first time I saw him.  I should have just stayed home…  and on and on I went to kick and beat myself up.  I never should have put myself in that position. 

My Bestie knows me all too well though, and talked me down.  “Don’t beat yourself up” he said.  “You lead with your heart, and you’re not afraid to take chances.”  He lifted my spirits quite a bit but it was still a bad decision and I drove home for over four hours with my teeth clenched like a pitt bull.

See, after all the talking and texting and emailing…  I didn’t get the details and they are SO important.  Details like the way he talks, and walks and moves.  Details like what he actually has tattooed on his skin.   Details can make all the difference.

Published in: on March 19, 2011 at 1:34 am  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Don’t beat yourself up about it too much. Live and learn. Better luck next time.

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