Just a Taste… the single life with and without someone

Here I was, doing just fine working, taking care of my kids, excercising nearly every day, sleeping well, stretching out on the bed and not bothered by sleeping alone anymore… and then BAM.  I decide to jump back in to the dating scene and screw it all up. 

Well, that’s debatable whether I screwed it up or not.  However, I can tell you that I am sitting here alone at 11 o’clock at night sipping rum from my favorite wine glass, my phone is quiet and I’m blogging about it.

I was perfectly happy in my little solo routine, but I see these women at work that have just completely given up and I don’t want to be “that girl”… So, I decided to not just LIVE the single life but be single with a vengence.  I don’t know if that’s working out so well.

In a way, it has been fantastic.  I’ve met some incredible out of the box people, and yet, I sit here alone having shed more tears in the last couple weeks than I have in, let’s just say a long time.

I met a man I had instant incredible fireworks with.  What an amazing and rare experience!  Most people are lucky if this happens to them even once in a lifetime.  My Mother swears it’s never happened to her.

It’s what Shakespeare wrote about, it’s Romeo and Juliette…   It’s the stuff they write songs and poetry about, but then again they also write songs and poetry about pain.  I’ll tell you, Mr. Cool is not sleeping alone tonight.  You see, as it turns out Mr. Cool had some unfinished business and she’s in his arms tonight.

So, I fall down, and my bestie, Captain Amazing picks me up.  We start talking and spending time more, feelings grow, and once again unfinished business.  His heart still belongs to his ex-girlfriend and now he has her back.  He’s not sleeping alone tonight either.  I’m glad he’s happy, but at the same time I’m jelous.  I wish I had what they have.  I miss him so much, as he’s been busy romancing his girl and despite our continued friendship there are many text messages now that go unanswered.   Especially on nights like tonight when I need the rum, he’s busy and I miss him.

How did I get here??  When did I become “the friend”?  When did it begin to be that the men that want me are the ones that aren’t what I want or sometimes are even close to unhinged?  Have I crossed some imaginary age limit??  Am I too self sufficient, not needy enough?  Maybe I am not available enough… because I will say that the two women near them tonight are women who seem to need to be taken care of, in one way or another, and don’t have the responsibilities that I have.  When did that become a desirable quality?  Or has it always been that way?

I don’t know. 

I want my life to be an exciting adventure full of intruiging people, places and experiences and being “single with a vengence” is giving me that but I am alone and I feel more lonely now than I did before.

Why is it that when we get just a taste it makes the wanting return?  Why can’t I just be content with my personal pursuits and still be “in the game”?  Is it that it had been such a long time since I had a man in my life that I had, sort of, forgotten what I was missing? 

I am not sure, and this blog certainly has more questions than answers but the rum is kicking in.. finally and maybe now I’ll be able to sleep.

Published in: on February 22, 2011 at 7:34 am  Leave a Comment  
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