A Sad Day in the Search for a Soul Mate

Today is a low day and those are bound to come.  Days where you feel very alone in a society built on couples.  You have to be careful on these days because if you’re not, the lonely will getcha and eat up more of your time than you’d like it to.

It’s one of those days when you start questioning if it’s all worth it.  What am I doing wrong?  What’s wrong with me?  How the hell did this happen?

Our lives all have inertia..  They roll until something stops them, or gets in it’s path and forces it to change direction.  For me, the change in direction is usually a painful experience.

I have to lick my wounds a little and then decide what direction I want to move in, gather myself up and start walking down that path.  Right now, I’m in the “licking my wounds” place.

I can tell you what I don’t want.  I don’t want to be one of the women I work with who are all alone and have totally given up on love.  More than that, they don’t want it, can’t use it, have no use for it, no thank you!  I don’t want to be like that. 

Some how I have recently become “that other girl”.  I have gotten myself into a situation two or three times in a row now where I am the friend.  The one they never want to lose.  The one they can talk about anything with.  The one they want to strip down and do dirty things with, and also the one that takes a back seat to the woman that was in their life before.  How did I get here?  I don’t want to be “that other girl” either. 

Most recently Captain Amazing and I have gotten rather close.  We talk and text everyday and handle each other always with love and acceptance.  We even woke up together on Valentines Day.  That was a wonderful experience, on a day I thought I would be all alone.  He is my best friend, but I have to admit that feelings have started to grow.  This is a tricky situation because it makes the “full disclosure” we’ve had feel  uncomfortable.  He sees his ex-girlfriend and instead of texting me with excitement that she was coming over…  He says nothing until the next day and when he does tell me, it’s awkward.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the awkwardness works both ways.  I had a nice chat with Mr. Cool a few days ago and I didn’t mention that.  He sent me an email when he was back in town and I didn’t tell Captain Amazing about that until the next day.  So, it’s a mutual feeling really.

This means, we have sort of lost the feeling of being free to tell each other anything without fear of hurting  feelings, and yet I don’t think we’ve really gained anything in return… 

I knew he was with her last night.  His ex.  That’s the only time he doesn’t text me because the phone was a problem with them before.  So, when I didn’t hear from him after like 6:30 last night– I knew.  However, I decided not to think about it.

This morning I get the call.  They talked again.  She’s been dating someone else and he’s laid his heart on the line and she has told him no… but then she comes around and starts texting him or has a drink with him and there are feelings.  He says he wants her back, she thinks about it and then she says no.  It’s an excruciating push-pull that has happened a couple times now.  Still, he wants her.  He loves her.

I know this.  More than anything, I want him to be happy.  I can’t help but wondering though, what is it about her that has him so entranced??  This is not a question I would ask him because I don’t know if I could bear to hear him sing her praises.  Still, I wonder.  She’s none of the things he says he wants, except young.  She has not done anything with her life.  She doesn’t fully appreciate him.  I highly doubt she wants the type of relationship he says he wants.  So, what is it?

Is it simply how she makes him feel?  How he feels when they are together?  Is it a lighter path to tread, going back to a relationship that already was, instead of building one from scratch?  Had he built a vision of how their relationship would be that’s just as beautiful as the vision he sees when he’s on his own dreaming of his ideal?  I wonder…

I suppose, what it comes right down to… all these thoughts that are haunting me on this low day, is perception.  It’s all in the way that you look at things.  If I see myself as “that other girl,” the one who takes a backseat, and all that.. then I am.  Or I could choose to see it a different way, in a more positive light.  Like…  maybe…  There is a reason for everything, and fate or God or the Universe has something ahead for me.  (Which, in my current state of mind sounds very lame.) 

Changing your perception is far easier said than done, and often times our feelings are not cooperative.  I know mine certainly aren’t cooperating at this very moment.  I’m still in a sort of dark contemplative mood.  It’s all part of the journey though.  It’s all part of being “out there”, letting people in, and really living life… and I’ll take the hurt and the risk over the safety of sitting at home alone -any day of the week and twice on Sunday!