Don’t Tell Anyone About It!, The Hag and other haters when your life is going good

Mr. Cool recently told me “if your life is going good, don’t tell anyone about it!”  It was kind of a joke, but not exactly.

Have you ever encountered the type of people who hate optimistic, attractive, happy people?  I work with people like that, and I tell you, my fantastic fun dating life paints a big red bullseye on my forehead.

As they go home to fight with their verbally abusive, angry, controlling husbands, or to play servant to their unsuccessful adult children who still live at home they think about me and probably plot the most satisfying ways to take me out!

I have embarked on a new career and it is NOT a career for sissies!  Going to work there is like a game of Survivor, only there’s no million dollar prize at the end and it’s not easy to vote people off.  At least on survivor you can get rid of some of those assholes if you play your cards right.  Not so at my work.  Once they have been there for a good decade (and there are a lot of them who have) they are pretty well cemented to those chairs.  It would take an act of congress or a horrific crime on their part to have them removed.

Still, like Survivor, we have alliances that move and change or you might think someone is your ally when really they are NOT.  They definitely aren’t.  Of course, you never find this out until you’ve gotten burned a time or two.

I’m sure every cut throat office is like this and in every such office there is “The Hag”.  The Hag is usually and older, fatter, miserably unhappy woman with power and control issues. 

The Hag at my office is about 6 feet tall, built like a bumpy amazon with a hideous ogre like face (and I don’t mean cute and green with pinchable cheeks like the Shrek we all love).   She also wears a permanent tattooed scowl.  Her hair is thin and greasy, her clothing old and ill fitting.  She’s a three time divorcée with bi-polar tendencies.  She is either light and buttery, or crisp and burnt.  Not that it matters which disposition she displays, because the light and buttery days are only an attempt to cover up her true bitter awful taste.

Our Hag has been trying to get promoted for over a decade with no success.  Despite passing all the required tests, she has been denied time and time again.  The Hag has even been pulled into the big bosses office when she transfered to this location and told that no one, but no one wanted her here.  The Hag, however, thrives on the misery of others so this meeting only served to expand her horribly inflated ego.

The Hag is, of course, overweight.  Her knees are bad, so she hobbles slightly bent over when she walks around doing her dirty work.  The Hag has been here longer than anyone else, because like the naked fat guy that once took the prize on Survivor, she’s the sneakiest sleaziest bastard around.

My trouble with The Hag started just recently.  I managed to go nearly a year without getting involved in the game, however The Hag has now decided that my trainer pissed her off by “picking on” a completely inept co-worker that she has taken under her wing, so now she is going to lay the hammer down on me.

She has started an “I hate the FNG” (that’s fucking new girl) campaign just for me.  She is sure to spend time in the office yammering on to her best friend, a morbidly obese woman with a severe addiction to fast food.

Ms. Morbidly Obese is the mouth of all madness for the office and so passes along the contempt to those in her work area and on it rolls like a wave. 

It’s an odd thing how The Hag can pick a person out of a crowd for such juvenile reasons, or even no reason at all and still manage this campaign.  Even someone like me who is a non-judgmental social chameleon with the ability to see good in just about anyone. 

Here is how her campaign works:

Task #1  Openly show your anger and disdain for the target.

Task#2  Perk up so the target thinks you’ve gotten over your ridiculous petty issues and gets more comfortable around you. 

Task #3  Keep track of any and all possible infractions made by the target.

Task#4  Report any and all supposed infractions to the supervisor in such a way as she is forced to “spank” the target.

Task #5  Bask in the glory after the target gets bitched out by her supervisor.

Task#6  At this time practice free reign over your target showering her with golden snide remarks and such as to make the target completely uncomfortable, and if she is successful, even bring her to tears.

Task#7  Attempt to make the target fear for her job, even though The Hag has absolutely no authority over the target what so ever.

Task#8  Continue the campaign among fellow co-workers in an attempt to make the target a social outcast, giving The Hag a sick feeling of superiority.

Here’s the problem, no matter what the sad miserable 50 something Hag does or says, she can’t break me.  I, the current target, will remain composed and continue to be obviously thinner happier and more attractive than she has ever been. 

You see, The Hag has nothing but this pitiful job that she can’t move up in, and the myriad of old lady crafts she does at home. 

She’s a cruel, angry amazon sized ogre that sees nothing but darkness and disappointment in the world.  She chooses to see only the depressing corrupt side of things and let it ooze from her gaping pores. 

No one truly likes her, but only tolerates her and prays for her departure. 

So, Thank You Hag and her bestie, Ms. Morbidly Obese for all the effort you have put toward this campaign in my honor but it won’t work because I will keep smiling, working out, and dating more interesting and fascinating men than you have ever dreamed of…  and I WILL keep telling my stories!  Think about that while you play with your boring old crafts and attend local square dances by yourself!

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Published in: on February 16, 2011 at 4:36 am  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Sadly, there are too many people like the Hag you so brilliantly describe. Hang in there!


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