Winds of Change like a Hurricane

So many things are changing in my life right now, and many more up in the air.

In my personal life, my EX sister and brother in law have been living next door to me for the last few years.  I was super nervous about this at first, but it’s proven to be such a blessing.  I’ve had the chance to spend time with my nieces and nephews that I wouldn’t have otherwise had.  Even though, they are blood relatives of my EX, they are the only nieces and nephews I got to spend time with as babies.  Then they moved away and now I’ve gotten to know them as teens and older.  I’ve got to chat with them, share meals, share hand me downs, and even drive them to school now and then.  And my kids got to know their cousins after again.  Now, we’ll probably never see them.

Mr. Married is moving.   I’ve mentioned this before, but brace yourself because the hits just keep on coming.  He’s been so many things to me.  I said good bye to him this week with many tears and a few kisses.  He’s been the one to let the light in so many times in my life… Now he’ll be living over 300 miles away.   He swears he’ll drop in and see me, but best laid plans, you know?

Also, my children are growing so fast.  They’re 16 and almost 14 now.  My focus has shifted.  I have become acutely aware of just how little time I have left with them until they launch in to the world, off to college and so on.  My son being so independent, I see less and less of him even now at 14.  He’s an exceptional athlete and plays baseball competitively and on travel teams nearly year round.  He’s a driven young man, and I’m sure once he gets some wheels under him, I may never see him.  I’m sure he’ll somehow find time to work a job as well.

So, I’m working to try to plan memorable trips around all the other things.  Not huge trips, just weekend jaunts during the summer.  I try to keep my life simple, like my budget.

I’ve also started making plans to work up the house for sale in a few years.  I’ll have my daughter her another three with high school and prerequisites at the local junior college before she heads off to a larger college out of town.

I plan to use the equity in the house to help them get through.  No one does it alone, and I’m fully aware that college has gotten more expensive, while there seems to be less available money given away for education.  I’d like to help my kids avoid astronomical school loans following them for years to come.

I’ll do what I can to help.  I don’t have a lot of money and never started any college funds for them or anything.

At work, holy smokes, I can not even begin to explain what fresh hell could befall us.  Our Captain is leaving.  He runs the entire office and call center.  He is wonderful and all heart.  We love this guy.  He put one of our girls up in a hotel for a couple nights on his own dime because her heater broke and she had to wait for a part before it could get fixed.  She had her little space heaters, but nope.  He insisted and even booked it FIRST so she couldn’t refuse his kindness.

In exchange Captain Kindness we may get Lt. Because I Said So.  Apparently this guy is notorious for making command decisions with no apparent logic, reason or consideration to the employees.  Greaaaat.

And if Lieutenant Asshole does come here we might lose the greatest supervisor in the history of forever.  The woman is absolutely without question, the best leader I have encounter since leaving the Marines.  She’s a great buffer between the dispatchers and upper management.  She’s fiercely loyal and protective, and she doesn’t take any shit… from anyone.

Luckily, there are three Lieutenants that have thrown their hats in the ring.  So hopefully we get someone good… but we really don’t know what we’ll get.

We have a bitch of an ex-friend with her transfer papers in trying to get here and “straighten us all out” and change our schedule to a rotating schedule.  No thank you.  The bitch ex-friend is also on the promotion list, so if the greatest supervisor in the history of forever leaves, we could get her.  But again, she’s not the only one on the list.

One of our friendliest and most wonderful co-workers is also on the list to promote to Supervisor, so if there is an opening, she could potentially get it, or if there isn’t, she may move away.  We will lose her sunshine and rainbows and gain the bitch ex-friend.

We are also losing one of the Sergeants here at the office.  The one everyone loves, of course, so much so that in an attempt to insult him Sgt. Jackass said “what are you, the fucking candy man?”  And from that day forward, that’s what everyone has affectionately called him.   We’re definitely losing that sunshine.   I’m so disappointed.  He’s my closest friend and ally at work.  Also, I’m pretty madly in love with him.

I’m seriously feeling like I’m on shaky ground here.  I mean, everything could come up beautiful and wonderful and better than it ever was before.  But everything could also go utterly & terribly wrong.

What is there to do, but do my best to remain positive and pray…

 

 

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Published in: on June 21, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

Meeting a Man of the World

Image result for world traveler

Years ago as I sat in dispatch, minding my own business… In walks, The Man of The World.  He’s about 5’4″, stocky, stout, and shiny bald.  He had an intriguing accent that no one could quite pin down, and was quite charming and very funny.  Also, he had traveled all over the world.

He had made his way to working at a nearby office, to get away from the city, I suppose.  We get that a lot.  We also get a gaggle of dispatchers blushing and giggling like 13 year old girls whenever any remotely attractive man comes in to our lair.  So giggle and blush they did.  They talked and talked.  They’d talk to him as long as he would let them.

I leaned back in my chair and observed, twirling a strand of hair in boredom.  I have long since given up trying to compete with these harpies.  (Ya know, mischievous female creatures from Greek mythology.  Great metaphor for dispatcher, trust me.)

I’m also not aggressive when interacting with men.  I have been down many dating roads, and I find it best to let a man decide what it is he likes and move in that direction.  Here’s my theory, sometimes men can be with women, like they are with food.  In my experience, if a man is going to go out and shop for it, and cook it for themselves, they’ll get something they totally like.  But if you cook it and put it in front of them, they will eat just about anything.  So, I watch.

It turns out, he was actively trying to get these girls to set him up with someone.  Doesn’t anyone have any single friends?  Now that was unique.

Even though I work with a good number of men, police officers, they are pretty much *always* married and they are certainly not up in dispatch trying to get set up.

He’s looking for someone single, not taller than him or older than him.  He was maybe 40 at the time.  I look at him suspiciously.  I am both of those things, but if he wanted my number, I figured he’d ask for it.

So, I engage and give him the name and number of a woman I know who says she “would love to meet a nice man.”  I don’t really know her, or particularly like her that much, so I don’t even really bother to try to find out what kind of man he actually is.

Later, he offers me the number of a friend of his (not local, many hundreds of miles away) as a sort of trade.  We chat about it, but I decline the number but agree to let him tell his friend about me.  What an odd interaction, I think.

Neither situation worked out.  He never met the woman I told him about.  In fact, it turned out she was actually taller and older than him.  I swear, I did not know that in advance.  And he never said a word to his friend about me.  Instead, he called one of the other girls and asked her what my story was.  My girlfriend did right by me and told him I was a gem but I had been through a lot and needed to be loved right.  He asked for my number.

Not long after that, we’re sitting at Starbucks, laughing and talking —  The romance had begun.  Sparks!  Instant chemistry!  Finally something real.

Published in: on June 19, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

The Nightmare that is CO-PARENTING

Image result for couple fighting

 

Whoever it was that thought up this modern co-parenting strategy, I’d like to throat punch ’em.  It’s real popular out here in California, where a large part of the state seems to have completely departed from reality.

It seems that apparently some people can make it work and I always see stupid bullshit stories and memes about how it’s supposed to work but I’m sorry that’s not real life.

I divorced the man because I could not live with him one more minute.  I had tried everything, and he would make NO effort what so ever to improve our relationship.  He was emotionally abusive and my soul was dying.

So, I risk it all, and manage to get away from him.   I have to live in some shit  hole apartment and go on fucking foodstamps because he refused to pay a dime until the judge made him…  But it was all worth it because I had gotten away.  I could finally breath again.

However, since then I have learned that even though I divorced the man, I have to keep fighting with him for the next 15 damn years.  Look people, if we could get along well enough to collaborate on something as important as parenting, I wouldn’t have divorced him in the first damn place!

It has in fact gone so miserably wrong that we simply don’t co-parent anymore.  What we do can better be described as parallel parenting and yet….  It is still misery.

Now maybe it can work for you, dear reader, and I hope it does, but as for me…  I married a bully with some kind of fucking personality disorder that’s only gotten worse over the years.

We’ve been divorced 12 years now.  12 years!  And the man hates me more now than he did when I left him.  He hates me with the fire of a thousand suns.  He still drives by my house on the regular, withholds information, talks shit about me in front of and directly to my son.  This recently has gotten worse as he has sustained some type of severe narcissistic injury because my daughter decided to live with me full time.

The intensity is also bumped up the last few years because he remarried to the female version of himself.  They’re like an ex insulting, uncooperative, bully two person wrecking squad.  It’s not just me either, her ex rarely comes around these days even though for years he coached baseball and rarely missed a game.  I’m sure the two of them have probably chased him away with the same tactics.

So now, I am doing my best to pick up the pieces when my son comes home to me.  Let him know that his sister and I love him with all our hearts… try and counter whatever poison was put in his ears, without knowing just what that poison was.

I am trying like hell to teach him to be respectful, because hearing all those derogatory things affects his behavior and attitude and tone, even when he is trying so hard to get along.   I have to continue reminding him to be kind because even though he knows this and I’ve pressed that to both of the children for their whole lives, but that’s not what he sees at the other parents house.

I don’t know what else to do.  I have done all I can think of to try and work with him.  I even let him off the hook with the child support.  I’ve done absolutely everything I can afford to do at this point, and still nothing but torment.

So, if you’re the brainless asshole who thought up this whole co-parenting bullshit, I owe you a swift kick in the junk.

Of course, children need both parents, and I will admit I don’t know what the answer is, but I know it’s *not* co-parenting.

 

Published in: on June 14, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

I’m a Dirty Mistress

On July 17th, 2012 I made a kind of vow of celibacy.  I read through the book Sensual Celibacy, which was fantastic and I did it.  I made it work for like 2 years.  It wasn’t easy.  Sometimes I joke that it was like coming off hard drugs, but it was a time of productivity and self reflection.  I believe I was in therapy at the time and making some big strides in personal growth as well as artistically.  I painted and drew and created like crazy.  I worked on my house.  I got the housekeeping stuff caught up and kept up on it.  After having stopped internet dating and blogging and having sex, it seems I had loads of time and energy on my hands.

And then, he appeared at my door.  An old acquaintance.  Someone I had met once upon a time.  I remember the very first time I saw him across the room and I thought, ooh I had better stay away from that one.  You see, I knew he was married.  And it wasn’t so much that he was incredibly attractive or anything but there was a very strong vibe.  There was a sort of wave of electricity between us.

I managed to stay clear of him for a good year or so while we were involved in a project that kept us in fairly close proximity, but now here he was on my doorstep asking how I was.  We’ll just call him Mr. Married.

I didn’t recognize him at first.  I still felt the vibe but it had been years.  He had to reintroduce himself.  I quickly remembered.  You see, we’re both Marines.  We both earned the title when we were young,  I did my 4 years, but he remains in the reserves.  It’s a deeper connection than with others who serviced in different branches of the military and certainly those who never served at all.

We stood there staring at each other like two tigers who inadvertently have come face to face.  So, we chatted.  And then he stopped by again, not too long after that.  Then, knowing he’s good with computers, I asked his help with my crappy slow ass laptop.  That was the day…  That was the day he started really putting the flirt on.

I’m used to being hit on by married men.  For whatever reason, I seem to be married man catnip these days.  I fend them off easily and without bruise to the ego, but Mr. Married is different…  persistent, assertive, even bordering on aggressive.

So, he asked me.. “Does that mean I’ll never have a chance?”

“Have a chance to what?” I ask him “You’re a married man.”

“Yes I am” he replied “and I love my wife.”

Then he got up from the chair at the computer and walked toward me.  I don’t remember just what was said after that but I do know he slowly got in to my space, until I backed up to the wall and then kissed me.

My God what an explosive kiss.  It had been two years and I just didn’t have a whole lot of objection in me.  I melted.

But that was all there was… that day.

We talked a lot.  He always told me he loved his wife.  They had been married something like 20 years but she wasn’t much of an affectionate woman.  Just sort of rigid woman of highly religious German descent.  He swore he’d never been unfaithful except for a couple other kisses at other times in his life… but that was it.  Just the kisses and then he would retreat.

Now, I’m no naive 20 year old girl.  Maybe his wife was unresponsive and unaffectionate, maybe she wasn’t.  I asked myself if it really mattered.  It didn’t.   I could say that I had no intention of letting things go any further but it wouldn’t be true.  I was thinking about it.

I finally agreed to let him give me a massage after a 12 hour overnight shift but I knew where it would go.

I always knew the deal.  From day one.  I knew he loved his wife and he would never leave her.  I didn’t want that anyway.  I just wanted comfort, affection and intimacy.  I wanted laughter and playfulness and we had all that.

Our affair went on for about a year.  I think we both brought some much needed sunlight in to each others lives.  He and the wife had been fighting like cats and dogs, but they weren’t any longer.  After a year, he was to be deployed… so made a book of boudoir photos and poetry and sent him off to war.  I bid him farewell.

I knew things had gotten better with his wife and that when he returned from deployment, they would make a new start.

Plus, I knew I had emotionally moved to a new place.  I wanted more.  I didn’t want to be the dirty little secret anymore.  I didn’t need to be in a relationship that I knew would ask nothing more of me but a few hours of time and attention a week.  No risk of commitment required.  No scary steps to further the relationship.  No longer did I need those things.. I wanted to move forward, to have a partner not just a playmate.  It was time.

That was years ago and we did it.  Aside from a weak moment or two, we stopped our elicit affair, but he remains a close friend of mine.  It’s been three years now since our physical affair ended.  Still, he’s been there when I have badly needed a friend.  When I was terrified and in the dark, he flung open the drapes to let the light burst in and reminded me of the warrior inside.

I can’t tell you what this man has meant to me.    And this week, I learned he’s on the move.  New job, new city, new life… in two weeks.

Happy for him.  Sad sad sad for me.

 

Published in: on June 12, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

Cast of Characters UPDATE

Since it’s been something like 5 years, I thought I should give people an update on the cast of characters that appeared over and over again in my blog years ago.  You can find original information about these characters on the Cast of Characters page in my blog.  So, here we go…

 

The Ambassador of Ambiguity aka:  The Ambassador, King Wishy-Washy

As much chemistry as I thought The Ambassador and I had…  Once we broke up, he took a promotion and moved the hell out of town.  I was terribly distraught and cried from the depths of my soul.  BUT King Wishy-Washy did a bang up job letting go and moving on.

I haven’t talked to him in several years, but I occasionally take a peak at his Facebook page.  He’s met a gorgeous young woman who seems a terrific match for him.  They have twin pit bulls, twin bikes and a lovely baby girl with a second on the way.  Although I am very surprised we weren’t able to keep even some type of polite friendship, I wish him all the happiness in the world.  I’d say it seems that he has found everything he ever wanted, but truth be told, he never knew what he wanted.  So, I just hope he’s blissfully happy.

 

Captain Amazing Adventurer aka:  Capt Amazing, My Bestie

Captain Amazing took a new job and moved to the very impressive Manhattan Beach in LA.  We aren’t besties anymore.  In fact, I haven’t heard from him in years.  Despite his protests, I knew he would drift away once he moved and he did.  Proximity is so important.

Now, Captain Amazing really did get everything he ever wanted.  He used to tell me all about the kind of women he felt he should be dating, but living in a small town or city tends to be a dried up dating wasteland so he never met women like that.  He saw himself with a gorgeous, fit, intelligent professional woman.  Someone with a good family, education, and career — and he absolutely found her.   At a work convention 3,000 miles away, he met a woman he thought he’d never see again.  She lived on the opposite coast.  However, Captain Amazing is a romantic and stole away for whatever romantic interludes he could share with her until the convention was over.

It turns out they never stopped talking and texting and chatting.  Fairly quickly she transferred to the West Coast and they have been together ever since.  He found her.  Just the woman he had always talked about, and he married her too.

 

Mr. X aka:  The Stalkerish Ex-boyfriend

I had to cut off Mr. X for some time.  Many years in fact.  He was spinning out with stalkerish manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior.  These days, however, we are talking again.  It turns out Mr. X had some substance issues he had to work out.  Now he’s clean and sober and a completely different person.

In the years that the blog has been in limbo, he’s traveled all over the country.  Lived in, I don’t know how many different states and finally settled (for now) about an hour and a half drive from where I live.

He remains single, but many of the scars inflicted during our romantic relationship still remain.  I’ll never go back down that path with him again.  He has, however, met a woman who is kind and generous and seems a good match for him.  I don’t know though.  She seems wonderful to me, but I don’t see the fire in his eyes he has had for other women.  However, the other women generally kicked him around, got him all twisted up and drove him crazy… So I’m putting in my vote for her lady of kindness.

 

The Hunky Mechanic  aka: The Mechanic

The mechanic found a lady and was with her for several years.  Although it seemed an odd partnership to me, as there was no traction.  I know he was in love with her but after years together, they still remained separate in their living situations.  Neither of them have children, so I found that rather curious.

It didn’t last though, and he’s recently found himself a single man again.  He’s in a transitional place in life, very likely staring down a necessary change in careers.  Things are frustrating and difficult and we are talking again, finding some comfort leaning on each other a bit.

At this point, we simply remain friends.  We talked about taking it to another level, but I don’t think we’re a good match romantically.  We’re very different and as much as I have considered simply tearing off his clothes, or even giving it another try…  It seems unwise.  We even had this conversation.  We are on the same page.  Besides, the man JUST got out of a relationship that lasted probably longer than his last marriage… give a man a chance to breath, ya know?

 

The Red Hott Ramblin’ Man aka:  The Ramblin’ Man, The Collector

The Red Hott Ramblin’ Man found a terrific match for himself as well.  He married a school teacher.  Gorgeous, a fan of the Opera and other fancy things, as well as never married no kids.  Once again it seems all he ever wanted.  Wondering if there will be little red headed babies coming along soon.

 

Mr. Cool

Mr. Cool married his long time on again off again Japanese lady.  She immigrated to the United States and I assume obtained her green card some time ago.  They do not intend to have children, and instead adopted a gorgeous little Dachshund and named him after one of the Beatles.  Ringo, maybe?

 

The Young Firefighter aka:  The Fireman

The Young Firefighter got married to an objectionable emotionally abusive woman.  (I tried to warn him but the heart wants what it wants.)  He also had a baby, not with her but some baby momma from before he got with the eventual wife.

He agreed to let the baby momma move with his son and her new husband to give their family a better life, but I’m sure that was so hard on him.  Then the marriage imploded.  He is currently fighting through the grieving and devastation that most people experience during a divorce, even if they were the one to leave like he was.

He’s really going through hell.  We talk from time to time.  He even came and stayed a weekend, and we made plans for a life together.  My kids fell in love with him all over again, and so did I.  In a lot of ways, he feels like home to me.  But he wasn’t ready, and at this point, I realize he may never be.

 

The Double Ds aka:  The DDs, The Dazzling Divorcees, My Wine Girls

The Sultry School Teacher  aka:  The School Teacher

Couldn’t make it work in our tiny town with wage discrepancies and trying to make co-parenting work long distance.  Had to move back to the city 7 hours away.

 

The Sweet Tri-Athlete

The Sweet Tri-Athlete started shacking up with an edgy truck driver ten years her junior.  She is passionately in love with him.  They got married last year.  I’m very happy for her, but sad for me.  She’s not longer a block away but instead living out in the country and I rarely see her.

 

The Edgy Cougar

The Edgy Cougar had a rough go of it for a while, romantically and medically.  She really struggled.  Physically and emotionally, she was probably at a good 8 on the pain scale.  She took a medical retirement and moved out of state to be near her adult children.  She seems much more content and happy to spend her days with her children and grand babies.

 

There will be more characters to come.  Some have remained in my life, despite not being on this list.. Like The Duke, who has had a long rough road fighting cancer, getting divorced and is now finally in the process of retiring from the military.  There will be new characters as well.   Stay tuned…

Published in: on June 7, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

It’s Been a Brutal Week

Dear Readers, followers, friends,

Well, in trying to get the blog back in to full swing, I missed my Thursday publishing.  I’d like to get back to where I was, publishing twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday like clockwork but it just wasn’t in the cards this week.

This was a brutal week.  To those of you who don’t know me or don’t remember me… I am a single Mom.  Been single going on 12 years now.  This time of year is particularly difficult as I begin to feel buried in all the tasks screaming for my attention in the house and in the yard.  Plus, it’s nearing the end of school so the kids are on edge with finals and everything…

And now, I’ve found out that two of my people (and I don’t have a lot of people) are moving away.  One of my closest friends will be moving 5 hours south in about two weeks and near the same time, the man I’m madly in love with will be transferring out of our office for good.

This is all quite a lot to work through, and really just the tip of the iceberg.  All this week I have cried and cried and cried, and laughed and felt proud, and frustrated and irritated and concerned and angry and overwhelmed and grateful.  It’s been a week of raw, intense life.

So, forgive me my missed publication and please keep following…

Love,

Cadence

 

Published in: on June 5, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  

An Odd Thing

 

Written 5 years ago but for some reason, never published…

 

An odd thing happened to me the other day…  I had a dream about The Ambassador… a really weird dream.  There was a bunch of stuff that happened.  There were other people in the dream, including his BFF The Goofy Musician, but mostly what I remember is he felt weird to me.  The whole connection between he and I was like-  gone.

In the dream, I was completely mystified.  How could that chemistry just disappear?  How could he feel like a stranger to me?  In the dream I even said as much to The Ambassador, but he just shrugged it off.  He wasn’t acting any differently than usual…  it just felt different.

I woke up really sad.  I felt defeated.  I can feel him slipping away and I realized that in the dream, it wasn’t him who was weird necessarily, but that my feelings had changed.  That’s what the dream was about.  In real life, I feel myself healing, getting stronger and not hurting so much over him.  I guess that has me feeling even more like I’m losing him.

Well, it seems my heart and soul aren’t about to let that happen so my subconscious kicked in he exploded in to my dreams.  Now I’ve had this warmth in my heart for him ever since.

I drive through town smiling and thinking things like..  That’s where he was the first time I saw him riding his mountain bike.  I couldn’t see him very well, and wasn’t sure it was him– but he spotted me too and emailed me when he got home.

Today I took my morning walk through my neighborhood instead of at the park, music humming in my ears, and I found myself doing the same thing..  Smiling and thinking warmly…  That’s where he randomly chatted up that old man while we were out for a walk.  That’s the crappy apartment he lived in when he first moved to town.  We walked past here a couple of days after we broke up.  That’s where the guy that runs the coffee stand lives.  The Ambassador seemed to know all about his life even though they weren’t necessarily friends.  It feels like I’m living a movie montage.

We fell in love all over this town.

I still miss him and think about him everyday but I can feel myself healing.  I feel lighter somehow.  Even though I miss him, I haven’t contacted him.  Somehow I know if there will every be anything else between us, he’s going to have to be the one to come back around.  So, I am just going on with my life but I have to say–  I don’t mind the warm memories.

Published in: on May 29, 2018 at 9:00 am  Leave a Comment  
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No More Waiting…?

Written some time probably 5 or so years ago and for some reason, never yet published…

 

So lately I have been a bit lonely and sort of starved for social interaction. Luckily I have been placed with totally awesome and amazing shift partner lately. That helps, and I am having some friends help me do a little work on one of the rooms in my house so it can be rented out. I have heard a roommate can really help the lonelies… So, we are moving forward. Even making some progress with my medical issues.

Still, my heart wants a partner as it always has.

Recently, The Ambassador of Ambiguity has come back in to my life. We’ve been texting or talking about every few days and he’s visited a couple times. He’s always telling me he wants to take me to dinner, or maybe come to church with me. His hugs are never the friendship pat, but long lingering moments wrapped in his arms. Still, he’s the same rubber band man that he has always been. 35 years old and he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. I see him searching for meaning and purpose in his life, and we talk about it.. but instead of growing in that direction, he seems to continually stay the same.

The other day I texted him asking how his weekend was going and he replied that he was watching some college kids “get drunk!!!” So, apparently he had driven over an hour and a half from his house to the nearest college town to… what?… chase college girls and tempt his sobriety?

In the last year I have grown so much, and am so thankful for that. I feel solid in what my values are and what carries meaning for me in life. I have peace in my soul like never before. My eyes are wide open, and I am soaking up the time I have while my children are small, to guide them and teach them.

This growth, however, leaves me disappointed at The Ambassador these days. Honestly, that text from The Ambassador hit my launch sequence. I was so pissed. He’s apparently the old guy in the club creepin’ on the college girls? Hanging around feeling like he’s in a Girls Gone Wild video?

The last 6 years since he’s gotten sober, he’s come a long way and made himself a hell of a career– So what does he do with it? Buy a crap load of toys and complain that he’s unhappy with his life. How many times can I tell him, the toys can’t love him back.

In my heart, the best thing I can do with my life is love and care for the people God puts in my path… but The Ambassador seems to remain alone by choice.

I don’t know, I guess I am just frustrated that he can not seem to make a decision in his personal life. I still love him but I want to be with a man that can make a decision, lead his family– who isn’t afraid to take on responsibility because he knows that along with it comes infinite rewards.

I was chatting with my fabulous shift partner about this, and she said maybe I was being too available to him. In my flash of anger, I agreed and said “he’s cut off!”

Then as I thought about it, I realized my reaction to his behavior was more than just frustration with him but also combined with my recent loneliness. I also thought, “why do I have to play these games?” I don’t play games with The Duke. I say how I feel. Same with Mr.Cool, The Young Firefighter, The stalkerish Mr. X. I don’t want to play cat and mouse, or hard to get in order to elicit some response from him… and I won’t. I need to just be me.

So, my fabulous shift partner offered to talk to some people and see about a good guy to set me up with. I agreed. “I’m open to that” I replied.

I’m not sure where to go from here. There doesn’t seem to be any single guys at church or at work. I don’t work with the public, so I rarely meet new people. The college classes offered at our junior college here in town always conflict with my work schedule. I’ve just got to be myself and maybe try to be more active.

The thought of going back to online dating turns me off. I don’t want to put up an electronic billboard and advertise myself, or look through men’s profiles like it’s some kind of catalogue. Plus, you never know what you’re going to get online, AND I don’t want to jump in fast.

Published in: on May 29, 2018 at 12:29 am  Comments (2)  

I’m Back, Baby! And things have changed.

It been over 5 years since I wrote my last blog post and so much has changed.  SO much that I had many times gone back and forth over whether to attempt to revive this fabulous blog.  I don’t do online dating anymore.  I don’t date at the brisk pace i once used to.  In fact, for long stretches I don’t date at all.. or if I do, I may find myself in a dalliance with a married man.

I’m committed to meeting someone organically.  I just can’t continue to get my hopes up meeting someone and then have them dashed over and over again.  It takes a massive amount of energy to maintain those online accounts and message people, reply to messages, set up dates and times to meet, only then to see the person for 5 seconds before you realize they are not a match for you.  It could be anything..  The way he walks or talks or a smidge of attitude that makes you go “oh no, sister, we’ve seen that before.  uh uh, no thanks.”  It could be how liberal he is or how intelligent he is not.  All things that you would immediately know about a person had you met them organically but not so much online.

After five years, my cast of characters has drastically changed.  Many people have gotten married and even started families.  One is even married and divorced with a baby from another woman in between.  So, I’ll get to telling those stories to catch up.

My life is still a kaleidoscope of experiences and unusual extraordinary people.   I have some fun being the dirty mistress at times, or dating someone and sharing stories about our crazy narcissistic ex spouses.  I’m still fighting with my ex-husband, by the way.  12 years and it’s worse than ever.   And, I have discovered a very curious pattern in my romantic life over the last few years.

Oh, I still have stories to tell.  Stand by to Stand by….

Published in: on May 26, 2018 at 12:17 am  Leave a Comment  

Isolation

b&w couchI’ve been such a hermit since I had that episode and missed five weeks of work and all. Well, now I’ve got some meds managing the anxiety pretty well and I feel like I am ready to re-enter the social world…. but what to do?

I am on this stupid graveyard shift and it is SO isolating. While I’m awake and working, the rest of the world is asleep– then I sleep away all the daylight hours. When I do wake up to get ready for work, I usually message with the Duke a bit… and today was a bit rough.

We are both in lonely places and wishing we were closer, but a myriad of circumstances prevents that. Still, sometimes he paints a picture of something like laying on a blanket in his arms under a tree… and I can’t help but picture it. Unfortunately, I think this just makes things harder. It was a lonely day today.

Thank God for my dog… I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have that fuzzy little love bug following me around to snuggle with me every second I’m home.

I miss the company of a man. I miss having strong arms around me and the strength in his personality. I miss touches, hugs, caresses and kisses. I miss companionship, talking for hours on end, and sex… boy do I miss sex.

I figured out today that I have gone for more than a year in my state of voluntary celibacy. I could break the pact. If I’m so in need of the company of a man and all that, there are places I could go and people I could see…. but I’m not just looking for someone. I’m looking for THE one.

Published in: on March 21, 2013 at 9:00 am  Comments (9)  
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