I touched base with The Ambassador… I hadn’t heard from him much and the going away present I ordered online for him finally arrive. I shot him a text in an attempt to kind of get an idea where his head was at. I knew he’d gotten my email but had not replied. I figured it had freaked him out. I swear sometimes that man is like a frightened alley cat.
After one or two frivolous distant messages, I finally said to myself “screw it” and texted him “I haven’t heard from you much. Are you hiding from me?”
No reply. It late but I knew he wasn’t asleep. I drove past his house on my way home and his lights were on. I thought about it, prayed about it, and decided to walk over there and quietly put his gift in the mailbox. By the time I got to his place on foot, his lights were out. Still not having replied to my bold question.
In the morning he texted “No. I got your email. I’m just running around trying to figure it all out.”
What a very good reply. It felt honest to me. I told him I didn’t know how he was feeling so I left something for him in the mailbox.
“You’re such a doll. Thank you.” he replied.
Along with the gift I left him, there was a handwritten letter. It was fairly succinct and pretty much just said I don’t want to walk through life being scared of getting hurt all the time. I’m not going to do it anymore. I am going to grab hold of the opportunities life sends my way and live passionately.
In all honesty– that’s who I am. That’s the life I have lived… for the most part, fearless. When did I become this timid frightened woman when it comes to love? I’m not that girl. I’m fierce, and tough and have gotten through a lot of junk on sheer grit alone. *Sigh* but I guess after so much weight and hurts being heaped on us, we get a little heavy… weighted down, until we can unpack some of the baggage. Well, I’ve started unpacking!
Considering the letter, I figured the silence and distance from him would continue. Plus, he’d been busy… The move was coming up super fast.
A few days later I bumped in to him at the store. He hugged me tight, and we chatted for about 2 seconds and he was off. I noticed it was different. He was different. I didn’t get the standard cheery persona smile. He looked serious.
I shrugged it off until the next day… then I understood. He posted a song on his Facebook page. It was a country song “I should have kissed you” and it was accompanied by a line he wrote about how he walked in the light with his dream beside him and he choked.
After all the talking we had done. Him saying he was scared and he just needs to grow the hell up. Telling me he was figuring it all out. When we went to dinner we even discussed whether he was seeing anyone new… No. A definite no. He had been talking to an ex-girlfriend but he said he was just able to get some closure to why she had been so terrible to him five years ago. So… after all that, I was confused and thought it might have been some kind of cryptic message to me.
Captain Amazing knew right away. “Oh, it sounds like he’s seeing someone. Have you thought about taking him off your Facebook so you don’t have to see that stuff?”
That felt like a swift kick in the stomach. I wandered around the house for a bit, and then decided to just ASK him instead of worrying about it. Whatever it was, I needed to face the truth.
Cadence: I saw your FB status. Are you seeing someone now?
Ambassador: No, just reminiscing with an old friend.
Cadence: Well, I would hope if that were the case you would tell me and not just drop a bomb on Facebook.
Well no wonder that chance encounter was awkward for him! He probably felt like I could see in to his soul.
I had a bunch of pent-up anger to work off, and started weed wacking in my yard. It didn’t take but a few minutes to realize his reply was total bullshit. Complete and total bullshit. Once again he was lying to himself and refusing to call something what it was. That wasn’t reminiscing. That was a date, and I knew who it was too. Damn ex-girlfriend!
Suddenly I was pissed. It hurt that he was seeing someone else, but also I was infuriated that he seemed to have a complete inability to be honest and honorable with me.
Sure, we can hide behind technicalities… like they aren’t officially together or that he doesn’t owe me anything since we are in fact broken up– but I know he didn’t feel right about it or he wouldn’t have gone about it all shady like. He’d have come right out and said it.
I’m tired of it, and I’m not going to play that game anymore. I’m going to call it like it is. I was also enraged that he would post that shit on Facebook. He knew I’d see it and he knows how I feel about that shit. That’s why every time we have broken up I have unfriended him. I don’t need to see that crap. A couple of weeks ago he talked me in to letting him back on, which I did — never thinking he would do something like this– again.
I’m convinced it was intentional. Intentional, in fact, I’m sure it was a bullshit cowardly way of pushing me away… like breaking up with me in the dark. His way of not having to see my face. If you’re doing nothing wrong… if you know what you’re doing is the right thing and needs to be done– then why can’t you do it in the light of day??
I texted him that on second thought I was taking him off my friend’s list and I didn’t need that kind of shit popping up on my news feed and in my face.
He replied that he knows he makes it hard on me, and after that last email he had decided to give me some room.
“You could have told me that!” I replied, and then blasted him for not being straight forward with me… saying I am trying like hell to be straight with him. It’s scary and uncomfortable, but I respect him enough to do it anyway… and “YA, some space would be good here!” I snapped.
He just kept blowing smoke — he knew damn well I wasn’t the one who needed space. He’s the one who wants some space AND don’t blame that trash on my email. I’m sure it has nothing to do with that– He just wants to see what’s up with the ex-girlfriend.
When I told my friends about it, they wanted to grab torches and pitch forks, form a mob and hunt him down… As for me though… as hurt and angry as I was– I get it. I hate to say it but everything he’s done, I’ve done too — at some point during my dating years.
These days though, I consider myself a reformed disaster. I’m doing my best to grow, and change. Be more open, authentic, and unafraid. To say the things that are tough to say, but important. Deal with things as they come along, and not let them build up. I’ve come a long way, but I am still aware of how I’ve handled myself in the past. I’m not so self-righteous as to shame him for doing the same kinds of things.
I’m not making excuses for him. What he did was fucked up and I’d like to give him a good kick in the balls for it, but I understand too.
Now I have a whole new tangled pile of emotions to “be in”. My therapist told me to just let my emotions rain down over me. So, that’s what I’ll do.
Search 4 a Soul Mate 